Reality Crashes Down

[PepperFritz]

...she does have a job. We split the bills....

So, despite having a drug habit, she has been consistently paying her 50% of the rent, bills, and household expenses over the last 6 months and more? Are you saying that this is the first time she has "took all the money and disappeared"? I find that difficult to believe, frankly.

[quote author=Bar Kochba]...I don't know how that's going to work, going from 2 incomes to 1....[/quote]

Again, if your wife has a drug habit and has been behaving erratically, you probably have not enjoyed the security of "2 incomes" for some time now, yes?

[quote author=Bar Kochba]...she should pay cause she blew the $ tho....[/quote]

I would strongly suggest that you not focus on issues like that right now. If you manage to cut ties with her without her COSTING you any more money than she already has, you will be fortunate. I would caution you to be on guard against her trying to use money as a way of manipulating her way back into "one more chance", because it will just start the cycle all over again. In view of your past inability to see through and resist her manipulations, a clean break seems the safest route. She will either have the integrity to see that she owes it to you and the children to "pay back" what she has in effect stolen, or she will not. If she starts placing "conditions" on her doing so, it will be a huge warning sign.

[quote author=Bar Kochba]My plan is to find a way to catch up on bills... set up a cheaper place in the interim....[/quote]

It's very good that you're beginning to attend to the practical aspects of the situation, that's a very good sign. A possible source of short-term cash might be to sell/pawn any personal belongings of hers that might be of value (though no doubt, as a drug addict, she has probably done that already). You should also look into government social service (here in Canada you can sometimes get short-term assistance if you're about to be evicted, even if you have a job, if there are kids involved). And talk to your local Salvation Army and/or other charitable organizations; many chapters assist those in crisis cover basic-needs bills like electricity, heat, water, etc, again, especially if there are children in the family.

 

[anart]

I am very sorry if I hurt someones feelings, but this post looks to me like a feeding.
Dear Jason, you wrote about your problem in April. You have received support from people on this forum and some very good advice.
But what you did in order to sort your life, to create normal life for you and your children? Nothing, since now in September, you still have the same problem.
Now, this looks to me like you do not need moral support, advice nor help, but you want people to pity you (sorry, English is not my native language, I am not sure
that I used the right word) and that is a feeding.

I would tend to agree with Nela. Hours have been spent trying to 'get through' to Ominous - all to no avail. Thus, why is there any reason to believe more hours and energy spent explaining the same things to Ominous will change anything at all?

 

[Bar Kochba]

I feel you have gotten thru to me. I've made decisions to cut ties and move on. You feel I am still lying to myself and wasting your time? I don't know what to say. I read this site daily, and feel a kinship with what you're doing. Yet I struggle here. I'm opening myself to your criticism, fighting my self-importance...and now I fear I sound like I'm searching for pity again. I'm stuck. Should I leave again and come back when I've actually gotten somewhere?

 

[anart]

Should I leave again and come back when I've actually gotten somewhere?

I don't think that will solve anything - it hasn't so far. You have all the advice you need - you have to DO it. 'Leaving here' has nothing to do with anything that matters.

 

[Bar Kochba]

Ok. Thank you for your honesty. If I'm not mistaken, it was you who told me I like to play in the dirt too much (something to that effect). I finally understand what that means. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

[webglider]

Jason, Is your wife's drug habit part of the reason that you are behind in your bills? It seems unlikely that she can support a drug habit and be financially responsible at the same time.

Does she really "split the bills" or does the amount she contribute vary, or disappear, from month to month?

So, despite having a drug habit, she has been consistently paying her 50% of the rent, bills, and household expenses over the last 6 months and more? Are you saying that this is the first time she has "took all the money and disappeared"? I find that difficult to believe, frankly.

I find it hard to accept that your financial situation is made better by allowing a drug addict to stay in your life.

It seems that you may not have the funds at this time to move to a new place, but perhaps you can consider changing the locks. You have an absolute right not to accept that behavior. In fact, not allowing that type of behavior anywhere near your life will do a great deal for your self respect and ability to Do.

Look, I held on to a dysfunctional marriage for too long as well, but one day when I had had enough, the day when I realized that I had to choose between the welfare of my child or the irrational behavior of my husband, I took all his things, threw them into plastic bags and put them out the door.

Then I got a divorce. Once that piece of paper was finalized all, and I mean all my feelings for him evaporated as though they had never been.

I have never regretted my decision. Never.

Maybe you are so isolated because people are avoiding the situation in which you've put yourself. It doesn't seem like a scenario that would attract happy, positive, and self respecting people

The stakes for you and your children high.

When you're ready, you'll see it. It's really freeing when that happens - not easy, but not as hard as you might think. It's like opening a window and letting in sunshine and air, or taking letting hot water cleanse the dirt off the skin. The light may be a little too bright at first or the water a little too hot, but it takes a surprisingly short time for the transformation to feel good - and right.

 

[Alice]

Ok. Thank you for your honesty. If I'm not mistaken, it was you who told me I like to play in the dirt too much (something to that effect). I finally understand what that means. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Hi Bar Kochba,

I'll offer a few advices, although how this thread started - with blaming of your wife and
'why oh why is she the way she is?' drama, I'm not sure any of so far given advices
will reach the fertile ground, for YOU to finally change this situation for better.

Drug addicts steal money, they lie, cheat, neglect their kids, disappear for days, etc. It's impossible
you didn't know that and expected it. The misery and suffering was already knocking on your door,
many months ago, and you embraced it. OK, so here you are. You made a choice. This is where it led you.

If there's any truth of your being wanting to actually get out of this mess - you know
what to do. Your situation is far from being unique, as well as your excuses, your children
are not the first one to be heavily messed up by their parents. So, if you're unwilling
to finally move and start doing things for the benefit of your kids, then atleast be honest
about it and admit to yourself you're taking the easiest road, well known, a road of self pity
and giving away your strength. There's suffering and there's Suffering. First one is lil more
than chosen feeding ground, the other is constituted of hard efforts to see the reality
of the world around you and DOING what needs to be done, no matter how hard it seems.

As far as I can see - you have internet, you are a long time member of this forum and have
the knowledge on many psychological material available, which can help you through this hard times.
You can easily search the web for many support groups, options and advices given by experties,
on many, many family situations similar to yours.

Just a bit of common sense would tell you how you first need to get your financial situation
in order. If you can't afford this house - then find another place for your kids and you and move with the first paycheck.
Arrange to pay off your so far bills/rent debt in rates, cause if you stay in this place you'll only end up in
more and more debts.

Go to a social services or whatever institution is appointed for this kind of situations
and report your wife's addiction and disappearance, ask for some psychological and financial help/support
and start Living a life, in order to give your kids a chance to have one also.

Your other option is state taking your kids away, leaving you with all the time in the world
to cry about 'why o why she's like that'....

Alice


Edit:

Though I should add how your situation hits me on many levels, since I've been through all of that
and probably even worst, with my ex, an addict. he was all aboutplay-pretend, such a slick liar;
I was inexperienced in that field and had my 'dream of a family' program running wild...believed an amazing amount
of lies before realizing what's going on. I was blind, blind...

From what I can see in this point, I was a bit 'angry' at you, cause of your whining about your wife and 'how can she do it'
to her kids, while your the one prolonging their misery, as well as your own, instead of doing smfg about it. I was you, some ya,
and getting out of that mess was the hardest and greatest thing I've done. Just start doing, or you'll really end up
loosing your kids.