hi, 'the pope'. (i'm going to assume your not the
actual pope
)
i'm not sure exactly what to say, but I feel compelled to say something, because I detect a cry for help and a seeking spirit.
so, lets see what I can come up with: as you can see from the various and somewhat confused (i think it's fair to say) responses you have got back, I think this shows that we are all struggling, at various levels, with different ideas, and also struggling with ourselves. So, when I was in a situation when I was seeking, but didn't know what I was seeking, I put a
lot of energy into reading and searching and studying (mostly on the internet), and this sort of naturally developed after a long while into also studying
myself.
So, my advice: take that 'questing/searching' impulse, apply it to into reading. 'The Wave' is a great read, and as moonwalker says is an
excellent introduction into a lot of the material that is discussed in more details on this forum and its related sites, but if you try it and find you can't handle it (like I did, first time around) then just go and read something else first. If you put in the energy and intent, then there will be
some result out of it, but who knows what - you just gotta do it and see.
I would also steer clear of things that depend on you sacrificing your will or awareness (such as drugs, or rituals, or institutional societies) because then you are more easily manipulated by others, and less likely to discover your real 'aim', whatever that might be.
so that's my thought, for what its worth
edit: I should really clarify that the reason I initially found that I wasn't ready to read 'The Wave' was that it contained a lot of concepts which clashed with my (then) current belief systems, and because these new concepts were so solidly backed up, it provided quite a substantial shock to my ego-system, and so created a strong 'ego-defense' mechanism of denial, which (I have since learnt) is quite a normal psychological self-preservation reaction. Then when I had read all kind of other (not necessarily related) information, my 'view of the world' was sufficiently softened up to seriously consider other ideas, without slamming instantly into denial. a good example of how that works with 'normal' people is to casually drop the word '
conspiracy' into a sentence and see what happens in their reactions!