Cyre2067
The Living Force
Hey Guys, recently I've been thinking a lot about my actions in the past. Specifically my interactions with friends. One situation keeps bubbling up to the surface, and I think I found a way to deal with it in an externally considerate manner, but figured feedback first would be a good idea.
I've discussed this particular situation before, but unfortunately I couldn't find the thread of reference. Basically my best friend since we were born, seven years or so ago started seeing this girl. We were all great friends, but overtime she had this way of manipulating him, of causing him grief and anguish, and he would often come to me seeking solace & advice. Keep in mind this was over a long period of time, much of the situation occurring before I found The Work.
Anyway it all culminated in Feb of 2007, after repeated attempts to manipulate me I ceased all interaction and suffered a barrage of ineffable 'hate'. What's worse - my best friend stopped speaking to me, wouldn't explain why, and I haven't spoken to him since. Well, that's not true, we had one minor interaction at a bar during a friends birthday celebration where we all made nice and pretended the past events were irrelevant. I think anart summed it up nicely when she told me that my friend, or what I had thought of as him, was an illusion I constructed in my mind. The illusion had died, and I had to get over it as if the person I knew had actually died. Too True.
Unfortunately this situation still bubbles up, as mentioned, and after analyzing it, I did often tell my friend to break it off, that she was hurting him, that it's a vicious cycle and that he should get out of it. I was determining his needs. It hurt me to see him suffer and so I wanted the pain to stop. Justifying myself that my observations were correct, and that this girl is only doing psychological damage to him, I consistently maintained a position where I was determining his needs. Superficially he did seem to be 'asking for advice', but in retrospect I don't think he was asking for what I gave him, considering the situation only degenerated over time.
Now I still see them every once in awhile. We have the same circle, though I've been pulling away from it more and more. There was a chance they were going to be at another birthday celebration I was attending, and during the day, seeing how I manipulated or tried to manipulate my friend I felt guilt. Perhaps if I hadn't been so blind he may have seen things for himself. As it is, I was 'trying to break them up' - which is one of her favorite points to push. They never showed up, so I never had the opportunity to apologize which I thought would be apropos.
This girl is obviously pathological, she manipulative and loves to play the role of the maiden in distress. Besides that, I do 'tense up' around them, and after careful analysis the physical sensation was brought on by feelings of guilt that I had consciously ignored because I was the 'right man'. It could also be my instinctual defenses realizing I'm near a predator and my system priming for a calculated response. It could be both.
Thus my question - should I apologize for 'trying to break them up'? For giving advice I thought was right all the time, but in reality determining the needs of another? I do feel guilt, but I'm not sure if it's misplaced. I do remember him 'asking me for advice' but in reality I could be fabricating those memories when he was likely only seeking a shoulder to lean on during tough times. Personally I feel like I wrong them both, even though she is pathological and obviously predatory in nature.
It would also be very hard for me to do, and I think that was a clue for me that it is the 'right' thing to do. Thoughts?
I've discussed this particular situation before, but unfortunately I couldn't find the thread of reference. Basically my best friend since we were born, seven years or so ago started seeing this girl. We were all great friends, but overtime she had this way of manipulating him, of causing him grief and anguish, and he would often come to me seeking solace & advice. Keep in mind this was over a long period of time, much of the situation occurring before I found The Work.
Anyway it all culminated in Feb of 2007, after repeated attempts to manipulate me I ceased all interaction and suffered a barrage of ineffable 'hate'. What's worse - my best friend stopped speaking to me, wouldn't explain why, and I haven't spoken to him since. Well, that's not true, we had one minor interaction at a bar during a friends birthday celebration where we all made nice and pretended the past events were irrelevant. I think anart summed it up nicely when she told me that my friend, or what I had thought of as him, was an illusion I constructed in my mind. The illusion had died, and I had to get over it as if the person I knew had actually died. Too True.
Unfortunately this situation still bubbles up, as mentioned, and after analyzing it, I did often tell my friend to break it off, that she was hurting him, that it's a vicious cycle and that he should get out of it. I was determining his needs. It hurt me to see him suffer and so I wanted the pain to stop. Justifying myself that my observations were correct, and that this girl is only doing psychological damage to him, I consistently maintained a position where I was determining his needs. Superficially he did seem to be 'asking for advice', but in retrospect I don't think he was asking for what I gave him, considering the situation only degenerated over time.
Now I still see them every once in awhile. We have the same circle, though I've been pulling away from it more and more. There was a chance they were going to be at another birthday celebration I was attending, and during the day, seeing how I manipulated or tried to manipulate my friend I felt guilt. Perhaps if I hadn't been so blind he may have seen things for himself. As it is, I was 'trying to break them up' - which is one of her favorite points to push. They never showed up, so I never had the opportunity to apologize which I thought would be apropos.
This girl is obviously pathological, she manipulative and loves to play the role of the maiden in distress. Besides that, I do 'tense up' around them, and after careful analysis the physical sensation was brought on by feelings of guilt that I had consciously ignored because I was the 'right man'. It could also be my instinctual defenses realizing I'm near a predator and my system priming for a calculated response. It could be both.
Thus my question - should I apologize for 'trying to break them up'? For giving advice I thought was right all the time, but in reality determining the needs of another? I do feel guilt, but I'm not sure if it's misplaced. I do remember him 'asking me for advice' but in reality I could be fabricating those memories when he was likely only seeking a shoulder to lean on during tough times. Personally I feel like I wrong them both, even though she is pathological and obviously predatory in nature.
It would also be very hard for me to do, and I think that was a clue for me that it is the 'right' thing to do. Thoughts?
