"Sometimes I ask myself whether it will ever be possible
for us to grasp the extent of the loneliness and desertion to
which we were exposed as children, and hence intrapsychically
still are exposed as adults. Here I do not mean to
speak, primarily, of cases of obvious desertion by, or separation
from, the parents, though this, of course, can have
traumatic results. Nor am I thinking of children who were
obviously uncared for or totally neglected, and who were
always aware of this or at least grew up with the knowledge
that it was so.
Apart from these extreme cases, there are large numbers
of people who suffer from narcissistic disorders, who often
had sensitive and caring parents from whom they received
much encouragement; yet, these people are suffering from
severe depressions. They enter analysis in the belief, with
which they grew up, that their childhood was happy and
protected.
Quite often we are faced here with gifted patients who
have been praised and admired for their talents and their
achievements. According to prevailing, general attitudes,
these people—the pride of their parents—should have had a strong
and stable sense of self-assurance. But exactly the opposite is the case.
In everything they undertake they do well and often excellently;
they are admired and envied; they are successful whenever
they care to be—but all to no avail. Behind all this lurks
depression, the feeling of emptiness and self-alienation, and
a sense that their life has no meaning. These dark feelings
will come to the fore as soon as the drug of grandiosity
fails, as soon as they are not "on top," not definitely the
"superstar," or whenever they suddenly get the feeling they
failed to live up to some ideal image and measure they feel
they must adhere to. Then they are plagued by anxiety or
deep feelings of guilt and shame. What are the reasons for
such narcissistic disturbances in these gifted people?
In the very first interview they will let the listener know
that they have had understanding parents, or at least one
such, and if they ever lacked understanding, they felt that
the fault lay with them and with their inability to express
themselves appropriately. They recount their earliest memories
without any sympathy for the child they once were,
and this is the more striking since these patients not only
have a pronounced introspective ability, but are also able
to empathize well with other people. Their relationship to
their own childhood's emotional world, however, is characterized
by lack of respect, compulsion to control, manipulation,
and a demand for achievement. Very often they
show disdain and irony, even derision and cynicism. In
general, there is a complete absence of real emotional understanding
or serious appreciation of their own childhood
vicissitudes, and no conception of their true needs—beyond
the need for achievement. The internalization of the original
drama has been so complete that the illusion of a good
childhood can be maintained.
