My father is a psychopath - can I help him?

[mk1154]

Hello all, I am seeking advice from others who have dealt with psychopaths in their life. Let me start with a little bit of backstory first.

My mother and father divorced when I was about 5 years of age. Being so young, it didn't effect me all that much (that I realized anyway). I was never that close with my Dad anyway, and this just meant double the gifts at Christmas. What followed was weekend visits, gifts from him to convince me I wanted to live with him (so he could collect child support), and constant complaining about my mother. I watched as he bought big screen TVs, expensive cars, and threw me the occasional video game so I would have something to do when I came over.

As I got older I started to realize he was not the person I thought he was. It was more apparent that everything in his life was driven by his unending need for more and more money to spend. He borrowed money from almost every member of our family, never paid it back and continually blamed others for his increasing debt and problems. I went through college unable to buy groceries some weeks but never got a dime from him, even after begging. When visiting I couldn't help but notice the new Porsche parked in his garage and the expensive stereos.. this never seemed to even phase him. I don't think it even registered he was doing anything wrong.

When I discovered the forums here and read a few books on psychopathy it was like reading a case description of my father. He fits the profile almost exactly... it was extremely helpful to be able to identify what was going on. I started to detach, realizing there was probably little I could do for him. My longings to have a relationship with him started to weaken, but I felt stronger as a result of it.

Fast forward to present day and karma is starting to kick in it seems. Over the past couple of years he has been in and out of prison, has become completely broke and his career is ruined. I won't go into all the details. He has been in jail for the last 6 months (not charged... just working through the court system.. very efficient) and is apparently started to deteriorate mentally. He is becoming paranoid and is sometimes losing his grip on reality, according to his state appointed attorney and the jailers.

I was, up to this point, of the mindset: "Well you're an adult and have a hole to dig out of but there is no reason you can't handle that if you change your ways, so good luck." But now with alzheimers or dementia or whatever it might be that is happening to him it is much more difficult say something like that. I have no emotional attachment to him, but he is another living being that I don't want to see homeless on the streets.. a very real possibility if I choose to turn my back on the situation. Giving him money would be like giving a crack addict more crack so that is not in my options either.

Sorry this got much longer than I intended. My dilemma comes down to this: How can I help someone with psychopathic tendencies? Is it possible to do so? Has anyone on the forum successfully "helped" a psychopath in their life? I'm truly torn here, as to what the "moral right" thing to do is.

 

[ka]

Greetings, Mk1154,

You have my sympathy for your predicament. Alzheimers Disease will make a psycho out of a saint, because it corrodes all the cognitive tools we use to perceive social situations and act socially.

Sounds like your father didn’t have much in the way of empathy or social responsibility to start with, so Alzheimers will make him even worse, and affect him physically. My own father died of it, and what eventually got him was he lost the ability to swallow anything. His nervous system lost its connections, down to that fundamental level.

I’m thinking you need to stay out of that man’s way. He did not act as a father to you. He’s in an institution right now, and maybe that’s where he needs to be. He could live for years, as a crazy-maker.

I’m serious when I tell you that caring for any Alzheimer’s patient can ruin the caretaker. I do not recommend taking it on if there is any other way to deal with this man.

 

[Mikey]

We should always remember that, as non-professionals, we cannot really diagnose a psychopath, so we should be cautious when explicitly giving someone this label. But I completely understand what you're describing.

Other than that, I agree with ka. Alzheimer alone is a nightmare for caretakers, unless they are very strong. I witnessed my grandmother taking care of her mother with that condition for several years. She is a very strong person, but I remember her being strained to her limits.

As to what to do, it is difficult to advise IMO.

 

[herondancer]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation with your did mk1154. Unfortunately there are several factors going against you being able to give him much help. The first place you would have wanted to start would have been his diet. Given that he's in a place where you have no influence on that, it's a non-starter. Second, if he's already developed some cognitive deficits, you would probably have trouble convincing him to make the changes anyway. Perhaps the best thing you could do for your own mental health is to take ka's advice and move on with your life. Whatever he happened to provide for you when you were young was not for you, but to further his own ends. When you really needed help, he wasn't there for you. I think you're right too, the world is speeding up, and people are reaping their karma much faster. But only your own heart can tell you what the best course would be.

 

[Cosmos]

If he is a psychopath (which doesn't necessarily have to be the case) there is no way you could help him to change his ways, nor to become better.
From what you have described, it sure sounds like psychopathic behaviour. In that case, it is not really a question if he is a psychopath or not. The end result is almost the same, either way. If that's the case.

I would just be cautious to being sucked into a black hole. If what you tell is right, sure it could be that he is now really mentally not all that right anymore, but even if that is the case, he could still be manipulating in every way he can. It could also be just a mask he puts up to get him either out of the jail and/or crawling to get financial support from you.

Could be doesn't have to be...

A little story from my family:

The mother of my cousins was quite psychopathic all her live and especially heartless towards her kids. Many things she did, that are just very heartless and manipulative. She was very good at terrorizing people. Witch is probably a good way to describe her. Her best "friend" was also a lawyer with whom she was able to pull off quite some things ligally.

Not long ago, she suffered somekind of stroke and survived it (many in the family, including me, secretly probably think it would have been better, if she had faded away peacefully...). The stroke was so serious that she was in a agrypnocoma for quite some time. Which of course is one of the most terrible things that can happen to a person, so we all feldt for her, even though we knew what she had done. After that, she started to learn everything again slowly. All of her kids, even though she abused them in several ways over and over again and kicked them out, helped her to get up again. After all, it is still a mother! Her doughter thought about taking her home and provide care for her 24/7, which would have ruined her and her husband live financially and probabply mentally as well.

Anyways she got better again and now is terrorizing everybody better then ever, including the medical stuff in the carecenter. And the kids have to pay her horrendous amounts of money every month to support her. Which makes their young lives pretty limited. Well...

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

I agree with what the others told you, mk1154. Symbolically, Alzheimer's disease is a way for the subject to escape responsibilities and to control others. Typically, the people around the person suffering from Alzheimer's are the ones having the hard time. The entourage is often led to wonder if the person is not just taking revenge (consciously or not). Also bear in mind that 'losing one's mind', is something which can be faked or exaggerated.

FWIW.

 

[Windmill knight]

It's a tough situation, but I'm with the others. It doesn't seem like there's anything you can do for him, really. So it's better to save your energy.

Even if he's not psycho, remember that as a general rule people don't change their ways. Only people who have been horrified by what they see in themselves can change, and judging by your dad's behavior he is far from that. Plus, him being in jail and with Alzheimer or similar, what could you possibly do that would make it easier for him?

In situations like this, in which you can do nothing, it might help to put things under a bit of philosophical light. Like, perhaps going down is exactly what his soul needs (assuming there's one) as a lesson, given his karma? In such case, non-interference would be best for him.

Anyways she got better again and now is terrorizing everybody better then ever, including the medical stuff in the carecenter. And the kids have to pay her horrendous amounts of money every month to support her. Which makes their young lives pretty limited. Well...

What a story! There's a moral in there...

 

[mk1154]

Thank you everyone this is all really good. Great advice in here and also helps me feel better about the situation. Even though I had no intentions of being his caretaker it is useful to know how wearing that can be on someone. My sister and I are going to try to find him some kind of subsidized care/housing which will hopefully allow myself to wash my hands of it. I don't want to be involved at all. The problem is if he can't get in to a facility (either because of his record, waiting lists, insufficient resources, etc... it isn't that easy to get into subsidized housing, especially if you're a criminal) then I may be forced into providing some kind of indirect care (financially).

My wife and I have enough financial problems of our own so I really don't want to do that -- but what if it comes down to it he's either out on the street or we're helping pay for his rent/care? I am trying to prepare myself for that, if it comes to pass. My sister has already communicated to me that if I were to turn my back on the situation it would leave the burden all to her, which I didn't think was really fair -- but it worked, I immediately felt selfish for considering it.

It seems that the general consensus on the forums on how to deal with psychopaths is to somehow contain them, so they can do no further damage. In this particular scenario I guess that would mean he should be institutionalized, but given what we've found out about the system -- that is easier said than done. I'll hope for the best.

 

[curious_richard]

The problem is if he can't get in to a facility ... then I may be forced into providing some kind of indirect care (financially).

Forced? Do you think a judge will order you to pay? Or who will force you?

My sister has already communicated to me that if I were to turn my back on the situation it would leave the burden all to her,

Is someone forcing her? Or is it a choice she is willing to make? Please think about this a couple times.

Please ask yourself, "Why am I responsible for paying his bills? When, exactly, did I agree to this? Why should I allow my sister to impose a financial obligation on me just because SHE CHOOSES to spend her own money on your father?"

 

[Tracy Anne]

I can understand you feeling obligated to provide your father with some sort of care and hopefully it would only extend to financial care, if that. Shame he is not still locked up in prison, if he is indeed a psychopath (it is difficult to assume, though you have noted his behaviour over the years).

I am a Carer and sometimes my job involves looking after people with Alzhiemers, and I am rewarded financially for this, I cant imagine doing it for a family member though as it would be difficult with setting boundaries, especially if your father is pathological. In the future I have decided that I do not want to care for my parents, physically, but will support them emotionally and also with setting up care. My mother is a narcissist and my father is her enabler so I have decided it is best for me and my mental health to stay away and only visit occasionally, if and when this happens.

It would be comforting for you to know that your father is locked up somewhere and taken care of, then you could get on with your life. Only you can answer to yourself, how much you want to invest financially in supporting your father.

Your priority is to yourself and your wife first. You could simply make yourself unavailable for financial offerings and see what happens.

 

[Meager1]

How do you know that your father has dementia or Alzheimer's, has he been diagnosed or are you assuming?

Maybe he is learning to play the system like my ex did.

Your father may have been told that his frontal lobes are shrunken or are shrinking, as they told my ex at the VA hospital.
Once he heard that, it made it even easier to "forget" responsibilities and blame his crazy behavior on his "condition" .

And he always played on my sympathy for vets and the whole PTSD thing, which I THOUGHT was his problem.

I fell for it, for years. I hope you don't.

It wasn't until after we had been divorced for years, that he admitted to me that he was diagnosed as a sociopath, by the VA.
I could tell you some horror stories about living with that man, and not only me, but what he put his own kids through is unforgivable.

Please...talk to one of his councilors and find out the real diagnosis.