Miss Isness said:
Well, I've been laying the groundwork for a possible separation for at least a few years. During that time, I was still hoping against all odds that my marriage could be fixed. I've known for sometime now that it can't be fixed, but I was worried that I'd be like that caged bear that was set free. who continued pacing back and forth where the bars of his cage had been; never venturing any further, or the dog who had been shocked so many times, in such unpredictable ways, over such a long period of time, that when the door to the cage was opened, it could no longer find the will to leave.
So, having initiated the process of separation makes me feel freer. I'm not sure if I've gone through the hardest part yet though. I'll be leaving a beautiful house that's fairly isolated in the country, to live in a tiny apartment in the noisy center of a small city. Severing ties will also mean giving up most, if not all of my contact with people involved in the music scene, which is tough since it's already hard enough to find appropriate venues for original music in English here in Italy. Then, there's the question of loneliness. Fortunately, I have a couple of close friends, one of whom is part of a large circle of acquaintances that are involved in cultural integration.
I've read that the first year after a separation is the most difficult. Getting this far has been nearly impossible, if it only takes me another year to bounce back, well that would be great. ;)
I would strongly recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Transitions-Making-Changes-Revised-Anniversary/dp/073820904X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223656087&sr=8-1
Transitions, Making Sense of Life's Changes. by William Bridges
I won't pretend to understand your situation but I am going through my own personal tragedy, and this book helped significantly in trying to come to grips with where I am.
I can sum up the book in a trivial way:
A life transition is composed of three phases:
An End
A transition period where it seems like you are groundless
A Beginning.
While this seems obvious, it is usually poorly executed by people. The "End" is a recognition that, yes, there is an end to the old life pattern. It helps to admit this in direct terms and confront it directly. People often have a problem "letting go" and this is simply a reflection of the inability to either recognize or accept "an End".
The transition period is a period of maximal discomfort because you are seeing your "old" life slip away but your "new" life has not begun. People have a tendency to rush this phase because groundlessness is extremely disconcerting. The key learning here is to stop wishing for things to be different. "Enjoy" as best you can the freshness of it all, the newness, the childlike process of discovery. Instead of rushing off into something new, simply remember to breathe. In. Out.
The Beginning comes once you find a new pattern and you settle into it. Perhaps you find a new lover. Perhaps you move to Italy. Whatever it is, it is the start of the rest of your life.
[Um, edit: I just noticed that apparently you already live in Italy, so what seemed to me to be a significant break is not so for you... ;) Oops. OK, perhaps you move to Australia. ;D]
My own personal observation however is that it is not important that you completely transition into a Beginning as a distinct yet new pattern. For me, I am trying to turn my own personal tragedy into a key learning in how to deal with the uncertainty, the "in between". Its so, "now". The past is gone, the future not determined, so just experience the now. Breathe. In. Out. Feel the now, and learn as much as you can. Tomorrow you could be hit by a truck.
I know this will read as superficial, I am not intending it to be a deep dive into emotional recovery. I do not have the training or understanding myself to do a better job. Please read this book, I am almost certain you will find some salve for your wounds. Mostly, try and let go of the need to rush things.