Let the Light Shine

[TheSpoon]

"Keep a low profile, son", my Dad always says to me. I must ask him where that attitude came from. I assume he's trying to protect me from predators. Perhaps he's hoping that I'll develop some sort of social camouflage.

My wife and I were discussing playground politics yesterday evening. Our son (who's just the friendliest little chap that any parents could ask for) had encountered another kid much bigger than him who'd pushed him down a number of times. This has happened to him before; the wife was telling me about him playing quite happily in a soft play area when another kid started throwing blocks at him and kept on throwing blocks until he fell down crying.

That night I had a dream about being back at school. I walked through crowds of children until I came to the guys I used to hang out with, and my son was there. When I woke up I thought that his being there was something of an anomaly until I remembered what I'd been discussing with my wife. I realised that what my son is experiencing now, I had also experienced at school. In fact one occasion particularly comes to mind when - with no obvious provocation - I was picked up by someone much larger than me and dumped in a puddle.

I'd started out my time at the school being very open, approachable, chatty happy and friendly, and after a year there I was more withdrawn, quiet and cautious.

It seems to me that, as a result of meeting bullies, people who shine - who want to share joy with the world - learn to hide their true selves and conform to what society wants them to be - normal. And I think bullies target happy open people because they think they'll get away with it. Happy people don't give off an air of "If you mess with me, I will mess you back 10 times worse".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brahmavihara

Sympathetic Joy, where seeing other people being happy makes you happy, is one of the Four Buddhist Brahmaviharas (Noble Virtues). But it's interesting that rejoicing in the happiness of others is described as a virtue, like it's something that needs to be cultivated. Like it's not behaviour that would be expected and taken for granted as an integral part of the human condition. I think British people are particularly lacking in this regard. Like if they see someone walking down the street smiling, they're most likely to think "What's wrong with him?", "What drugs is he on?", and so on.

Is it resentment, jealousy? Is it "Why should you be happy when I'm not happy"? Or is the world just such an unpleasant place that the only sane reaction to it is depression?

So what's on my mind today? I think I'm p'd off that society apparently doesn't want it's members to be happy. And I'm depressed that the suppression of joy that my father and schooling instilled in me is going to have to be instilled in my son if he's going to "fit in". It's either that or accept a lifetime of being pushed into puddles.

 

[spyraal]

I was also picked by bullies when i was at school, as did a lot of people.

As much as i was upset then, i now see these were just manifestations of free will. Being friendly and joyfull for life, especially in childhood, does not provide any kind of defense against psychopathic people. On the contrary, that attitude makes you a target. As the I Ching says, man should struggle to increase his light but it is also wise for man to hide his light when he is in a crowd of people. Observing the animal world gives us an insight of free will dynamics. But THIS is our world, isn't it? I guess somewhere in the Universe there must be a place where all that matters is joy, kindness and wisedom. But this is NOT our world, our 3rd density Earth.

This is no pity though! There are a lot of interesting things to do "here" i guess. One of which is to learn to discriminate. We should learn to discriminate in what situations and towards what persons we should raise our alert, and be on guard for our integrity and free will.

The question is how are you to react to your child being bullied? When and if i have a child of my own, I would go all the way and let him/her know everything i know. After all, children like games and this, our life "here", is the game of all games! Shouldn't they know enough of what is going on in order for them to enjoy it also, instead of being unaware, confused and sad?

So i don't really know if society doesn't want us to be happy (probably not), but neither do i want or expect society to be responsible for my happiness, because... i am supposed to do that! Your family is but a cell of the society, isn't it? Let the light (and knowledge) shine in your family and enjoy the show. :)

 

[Kel]

This brings to mind the movie I just watched: Hairspray. Although I'm not a fan of musicals, and this movie is pretty predictable, and sometimes annoying, the movie surprisingly brought me a lot of JOY! I found myself smiling, bouncing/dancing in my seat, and just feeling great. The main star of the movie, the overweight girl is just so cute and full of happiness. She reminds me of how I used to me at some point--not sure exactly when maybe 4,5, or 6 years old. And although I didn't look like her, I was like her in so many ways.

I've done a lot of thinking over the years about how I lost my joy. And I think losing it started before school age in my household where my happiness and glee were annoying to the parents--certainly it wasn't encouraged. Then, when I started school I found out I wasn't OK; it wasn't OK for me to be happy, and it wasn't OK for me to just be me. ANd I bought it. SO, of course on went the mask that hides the shine.

Anyway, watching this movie made me realize how much I've lost and how much I've gotten in the habit of being un-joyful, Although I've not overweight, sometimes I just feel SO heavy. Life feels so heavy. At the end of the movie I just sat there and thought: why can't I be like that? Even a little?

So here's what plays out in my mind when I think about being joyful: I have a right to be my true self which is joyful and full of life. Oh, but, oops. Can't do that. Look at everything that's wrong with the world. How can I be happy when there is so much misery? How can I have joy when I'm living in a world of greed and lies? How can I be that little girl I used to be when there's so much to worry about and so much to do?

They say the truth will set you free. I guess I'm not there yet. The more I learn about the truth of your reality, honestly, the more burdened I feel and Of course the less joy I have. When will the truth set me free?

Any thoughts on this?

 

[TheSpoon]

Thanks Spyraal, helpful post, practical advice.

As much as i was upset then, i now see these were just manifestations of free will.

Really? Can you say how? To me, bullying seems more like a manifestation of failing to respect the free will of others.

I was trying to put myself in the place of the Bully. Thinking about someone new coming into the workplace, a bit over confident, full of themselves maybe. The temptation is there to pull them down a peg or two, "Put them in their place". The idea that the underling should "serve their time". I can see how the predator justifies his behaviour.

The question is how are you to react to your child being bullied?

I think what I'm seeing most out of becoming a parent is that there are no longer any easy answers. Even before birth there were questions of amniocentesis (possible Downs), birth plans, pain control, caesarean or natural (breech presentation). Nothing ever jumped out as the "Right" or obvious choice. It's all gone shades of grey.

I've thought about the bullying thing before now. How would I handle it given my time over again - and therefore what would I advise my son to do? To fight or not to fight. Stand my ground and take it, or spend a lifetime running away. Be Funny. Appeal to conscience (ha!). Or make the choice every time? I suppose if there were an easy answer then there wouldn't be a choice to make, and nothing for the soul to learn.

neither do i want or expect society to be responsible for my happiness

Oh I'm not in any way suggesting that it should make me happy, I'm objecting to the fact that it seems to go out of it's way to prevent me from being happy. I like your I-Ching reference, I think I'll consider more carefully who I expose my lamp to.

Kel - you really tugged on my heartstrings with your post. Thanks for sharing. I'll get that movie out this weekend, been meaning to see it for a while.

High energy Tiggers are quite tiring to be around when you're not in the mood yourself. "Don't you try and suppress my energy!" is a complaint my wife and I make of each other at various times. I can see myself doing the very thing that I complain of in others. Settle down, fit in, be quiet. Perhaps some External considering is required.

I guess if the Truth ever gets you to "Yes life is difficult and painful and wonderful and challenging and rewarding and depressing and that's exactly how it needs to be", then you might find some freedom there. But hopefully you won't then get into a mindset that things don't still need to change.

Best Wishes.

 

[TheSpoon]

Spyraal - ah ha! Your post count has just hit 42. Cool, 42s have been following me around all day. Now where's my towel...

 

[spyraal]

As much as i was upset then, i now see these were just manifestations of free will.

Really? Can you say how? To me, bullying seems more like a manifestation of failing to respect the free will of others.

Of course i agree with you on the nastyness of bulling. But the "problem" with free will is that everyone has some degree of free will to begin with... So, to play the devil's advocate, it your child's free will is not to get bullied, so it is the other kid's free will to bully your child, isn't it? This seems like a dead end at first but it is also a great lesson. What are options? A world without bullies (psychopathic kids) or psychopaths in general is at the current moment just wishfull thinking. Wishing or acting towards their "extinction" is also a violation of free will and natural order of things.

So what is the catch here? If we take a look around us we will see that the ones who possess greater amounts of free will, have control over the free will of "lesser creatures". Isn't that exactly what we do with animals? So a probable answer i can think of to this "dead end" of contradicting free wills, is gothering enough knowledge, awareness and Being so as OUR free will can overcome the pressure and the manipulations of the free will of others who wish to do so.

Of course, receiving a punch in the face etc. has a very physical and practical aspect to it. But what my experience says, without being able to prove it though, is that before such a physical contact occurs, there is always a preceding psychological (or meta-physical!) contact where the psychopath "weights" his options and decides his actions, and THIS is where the battle should be won for a fully developed and conscious human being in my opinion. Achieving this state of impeccability radiates a "you have nothing to get from me" feeling to the predators who might quit to find a better and more available prey. Or this is what i think!

Thank you for the chance to ponder on this subject. Take care.

 

[webglider]

I think as the world becomes more ponorized, as the institutions that could hold the bullies in check don't, either from ignorance or because the psychopaths are running the show, it becomes crucial to learn how to either recognize psychopathic behavior and avoid it ("keep a low profile"), or seek it out and confront it.

As a parent, the influence outside the home is quite limited. But there are still things that one can do. One can approach the parent of the offending child and try to open a dialogue as to how to handle the situation Many parents are horrified that their child is acting like a bully and may themselves want to take steps to stop this behavior.

There are bullies everywhere. Often workplace situations involving bullies involve the singling out of the most creative and talented individuals - the ones who shine their light for all to see. (Check out the book, "The Bully At Work, by Gary Namie). There are bullies in marriages, in friendships, in random encounters, in political and institutional structures, and in cyberspace. It's inescapable.

I think of it like this. It's a lot about the process one undergoes when deciding whether to lie or to tell the truth. The answer is that that the decision should be based on the specific factors of the situation. Sometimes its necessary to pull one's energy in and choose to be invisible. Sometimes it's necessay to let the light shine.

I think you can begin to teach your child how to cope by bringing up different scenarios, discussing them, and identifying appropriate tactics to deal with each one. Adults do that to a greater or lesser degree of success, but only after many soul injuries have taken place, and often as an unconscious defense mechanism learned after much suffering.

The fact that the concept of ponorology is accepted and studied on this forum, and that you and your wife are aware of it, can give your child a head's up on how to protect himself from it.

 

[Bee]

Kel, I was just wondering about that (somewhat) in my introductory post :) I do come across those incredibly-happy-ending type movies, anticipating my eyes to roll in response to all the cheesiness, but find myself feeling happy along with the characters and wondering why I can't be a little more like them again.

I find myself more and more dissatisfied with the world around me, but it does motivate me to learn more and do more things that I might not have if I were in a "happy" (superficially, maybe) situation. I also feel burdened, but it makes me want to ease other people's burdens too, however I can. The thought of being able to help makes me happy. :)

I remember going out to swim with my family when I was younger, and my mother would tell us that if we saw someone flailing in the water, DON'T try to help. Basically, save your own skin. Man, did I think that was wrong! But I was brought up to keep quiet and was shown that my opinion was of little importance... so that was how I was. I sometimes mourn the person I might have been if I was allowed to express myself more, but I'm still (mostly) an optimist and will keep on trying to work through my 'programs'.

Anyway, I wanted to share what one of the other users (ScioAgapeOmnis) said about happiness:

Happiness is a funny lil critter. We can go from being blissfully ignorant to being woken up and falling into depression about how horrible the world truly is. Then after fuming about the world being all "wrong" and "broken" we may realize that all things are exactly as they should be given the maxim of everything being lessons. Humanity reaps exactly - no more and no less - than it sows with its own ignorance and subjectivity. But no matter how well we understand this, I'm not sure it is possible to ever be completely "happy" on every level. Our empathy won't allow us to stop trying to help others grow and learn, and as long as there are others to help, this job is never finished. But simultaneously our drive to discover and learn new things cannot be quenched as long as there is something left to learn and discover. In an infinite universe that means until "level 7" we basically have our hands full.

But that's not necessarily "unhappiness", I don't think. Having a drive, having a reason to continue to exist and not sit in one place actually makes happiness possible. I think it's analogous to darkness, which makes light possible - and vice versa. You can't have balance unless there exists such a thing as imbalance. No such thing as straight unless there's something that can be "curved" or not straight, etc. So same thing here - you can't have happiness unless there's such a thing as unhappiness. You cannot have satisfaction if there's no possibility of dissatisfaction. So just by being dissatisfied with being in one place and knowing what we know now, we literally create the possibility of satisfaction from the very act of learning and growing. Perhaps that's at least part of the reason why the C's say that "learning is fun", as it seems that the concept of "fun" is created by the very existence of things we still don't know or understand.