obyvatel
The Living Force
Jennifer Kolari's work relates primarily to children and she discusses a technique which she has used to effectively bring about change of unwanted behavior in a way that strengthens the bond with the child and increases the emotional resilience of the child. The general principles she outlines are likely to be effective with adult interactions as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q28IrZq14hk
This video discusses her technique. Kolari's presentation begins after ~8 minutes into the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=HZNH7mvEgPA
This video includes a question-answer session involving both Kolari and Gabor Mate
The key point of Kolari's technique is about showing a child - who may be experiencing strong emotions for what appears like a trivial cause - that we understand what he/she is feeling. The mirroring technique ensures that the message that the child is trying to send out is received. In many cases, adults go about reassuring the child (It is ok honey, this is just .....) or solving the problem (Here let us fix this...) or take some other alternatives which essentially brushes aside what the child is feeling and trying to get across. If the message being sent out is not received, the child can escalate leading to tantrums or meltdowns which increase the frustration of parents/adults. As a consequence of repeated similar experiences of invalidating the emotions, the child can learn that it is not ok to feel these feelings which can result in different issues down the road.
Kolari advocates that the first step be that of mirroring the child's state. This helps deactivate the arousal of the sympathetic nervous system and brings the child to a state where he/she will be more amenable to further input towards solving the problem.
[quote author=Kolari in Connected Parenting]
1. Mirror in order to show through your words, tone, facial expression , and body language that you understand and appreciate what he is feeling.
2. Present the problem by letting him know that even though he may be upset, anxious, or just plain angry, his behavior is not acceptable and why.
3. Find a solution either by letting him know what you want him to do (instead of what he’s been doing) and seeing that he complies, or, if necessary, by imposing a consequence for the unacceptable behavior.
[/quote]
The first step - mirroring - is the most difficult. It is counter-intuitive. Yet the success of the subsequent steps depend on the success of the first step. She uses the acronym CALM for the mirroring process.
[quote author=Kolari in Connected Parenting]
Connect
Affect
Listen
Mirror
C: Connect
Connecting is showing undivided attention. It means making eye contact, using your body and your voice, leaning forward, looking involved, maybe even chewing on your pen— in short, doing everything you can to show your child that you’re really trying as hard as you can to understand what he’s thinking and feeling. When you really feel the connection, you’ll know you are getting it right. When you do that, your child will automatically think, “Oh, finally someone is listening to me!” What you’re doing is matching the urgency conveyed by the child’s body language with your own.
If your child is really upset and you’re sitting back calmly saying things like, “It sounds like you feel . . .” or “That must make you feel very angry ,” this is a different technique and may not be as effective. Also , at this point, make sure that you don’t insert stories about your own experiences into the dialogue. Leave those stories for later, after the connection is established and your child has felt very heard. If you try to tell those stories too soon, your child may feel that the conversation has somehow shifted to you and that his own feelings are being invalidated.
To mirror effectively it is essential that you put your own agenda aside for the moment and devote all your energy to making the connection. Your child won’t be able to hear or accept your agenda until he is CALM.
A: Match the Urgency of Your Child’s AFFECT
The term “affect,” used as a noun, means, in psychological terms, feeling or emotion— or, more specifically, the outward display of feelings or emotions. Affect is composed of facial expression , body language, tone of voice— all the nonverbal means we have of projecting emotion. When you’re mirroring, if your child is really angry about something , for example, you need to join with him in showing this emotion. If he’s angry, you might do that by scrunching up your own face, bunching up your shoulders, narrowing your eyes, looking intense, matching in subtle ways the faces he is making, and sharing in his urgency . When you do this, remember that it is important to look genuine. It can’t be too over-the-top, and it must appear sincere , and not exaggerated or comical. Once he sees that you understand his feelings, he will begin to defuse and de-escalate his intensity, and start to organize his feelings. Again, I know this is counterintuitive, but letting him know that the urgency of his message has been delivered and understood allows him to move on to the next step.
Of course, you also want to do this in a controlled way. You don’t want to rant and rave and sound angry yourself. You don’t want to make your child think this is suddenly about you. You just want to let him know you really understand that he feels this way. You’re doing this in order to give your child the sense of safety that comes from knowing someone else understands the seriousness of the problem so he can stop carrying the entire burden himself. That also means he needs to know you’re in charge and not just as anxious or hysterical as he is.
A prime example of how this works occurred when a mother brought her extremely anxious daughter to see me. Sharon was terrified of everything, and when she spotted a fruit fly in my office she immediately flew into a frenzy, climbed on the sofa, and started shrieking, “Oh my God, it’s a fly, it’s a fly, get it, kill it, get me out of here!” at which point her mother tried to calm her down by repeating, “Sharon, calm down, it’s fine, stop it, it’s okay. It’s only a fruit fly. It’s smaller than a mosquito. It can’t possibly hurt you,” which only got Sharon even more hysterical. This presented an opportunity to demonstrate mirroring in action to Sharon’s mom. With affect that demonstrated I was taking her fear seriously but not afraid myself, I looked around the room and said, “Tell me where you think you saw it last . Is it over there? Fruit flies are a big problem for you. You don’t care if they’re small. They move all around and you can’t see them, and they’re bugs. A bug is a bug, and you hate bugs.”
And after only a very few minutes Sharon completely forgot about the fly, because she knew her message had been received and someone was dealing with the problem so she didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Later, when she was calm and no longer in fight-or-flight mode, we were able to talk about the fact that fruit flies are harmless. It is important to stress that it was her fear, not mine, that I reflected to her. I did not run around the room yelling, “A fruit fly, oh my God, that’s horrible !” thereby sending the message that she was actually right to be terrified. I simply showed her that the urgency the situation had for her was registering for me and that I was going to listen to her concerns before rationalizing.
L: LISTEN to What He’s Saying —the Actual Words
Words are your child’s most direct means of letting you know what’s going on in his head. Too often we seem to listen to our kids with one ear while we’re in the middle of doing something else. But now you’re going to really listen. And you’re going to use his words to let him know that.
What you’re not going to be doing is commenting on what your child is saying , as in, “Oh , that must have been really hard for you!” or repeating what he or she is saying as if to be sure you got it right, as in, “Gee, it sounds as if you’re really angry that your sister took your Lego.” When you do either of those things you may be showing that you are trying to understand, but you are also separating yourself from the child by commenting on his feelings rather than joining in the experience. What you are going to do is say the things your child might be saying as if you were in his shoes.
See if you can hear the difference: Kristen was in the car with her mother, who was driving her to gymnastics class . Kristen was whining and complaining that she was having a good time at home and she didn’t want to go to gymnastics. Her mother thought she was mirroring by saying things like, “I understand that you don’t want to go to gymnastics, and I know that you were happy at home, but you go to gymnastics every week and you love it.” But instead of calming down, Kristen got really angry and yelled, “Stop saying what I was saying , and I don’t love it or I would want to go!”
Now listen to this: “Here you are, dragged into the car. I’m making you go to the gym when you were perfectly happy at home. You were feeling like you were in control of your own life, and here I am dragging you off somewhere you don’t want to go!” In the first instance the mother was actually distancing herself from Kristen even though she was indicating that she knew what Kristen was feeling. By doing that she was, without even realizing it, implying that her daughter’s feelings were inappropriate. In the second example she was jumping into Kristen’s shoes, joining with her in those feelings , speaking as if she were Kristen and articulating what her daughter might be feeling out loud like an empathic commentary. After the mirroring statement , Kristen would probably have said something like, “Yeah, you’re right. It’s not fair!” To which her mother would respond, “Yep, you know what? I get it. I get why you’re so mad. I get why you don’t want to go.” By then Kristen would be de-escalating and might say, “Okay, fine! Let’s just go.” She’d likely remain sullen, but would be compliant. Not every child is suddenly going to become cheerful about the situation, but, after you’ve made two or three mirroring statements, most of the time he or she will do what you ask.
.....
In the beginning it will feel awkward and unnatural. This is a therapy technique, not a parenting technique. We aren’t born knowing how to do it; it’s a skill that must be practiced and acquired. If you try it and it doesn’t come out right and your child stands there looking at you as if you’d just grown a second head, or if he says, “Why are you talking like that?” you just need to continue following the CALM technique and say, “I know I sound weird. I’ve been thinking about you lately, and I realize that I don’t always listen to you. So I’m trying to be a better listener. I guess I still need to work on it.” When you do that, your child will be understanding and probably quite moved to hear that you have been thinking about him. In fact, it will most likely be a very nice moment. And the more you practice, the more natural and conversational it will feel.
M: Put It All Together to MIRROR
Connecting, accurately reflecting your child’s affect, and listening to what he or she is actually saying are the three tools that, used in combination, create genuine mirroring and a sincere moment of deep connection.
[/quote]
Mirroring in this way can be practiced in different situations to strengthen the bond with the child and need not be confined only to situations where they are upset. From the little I have tried it, the results have been good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q28IrZq14hk
This video discusses her technique. Kolari's presentation begins after ~8 minutes into the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=HZNH7mvEgPA
This video includes a question-answer session involving both Kolari and Gabor Mate
The key point of Kolari's technique is about showing a child - who may be experiencing strong emotions for what appears like a trivial cause - that we understand what he/she is feeling. The mirroring technique ensures that the message that the child is trying to send out is received. In many cases, adults go about reassuring the child (It is ok honey, this is just .....) or solving the problem (Here let us fix this...) or take some other alternatives which essentially brushes aside what the child is feeling and trying to get across. If the message being sent out is not received, the child can escalate leading to tantrums or meltdowns which increase the frustration of parents/adults. As a consequence of repeated similar experiences of invalidating the emotions, the child can learn that it is not ok to feel these feelings which can result in different issues down the road.
Kolari advocates that the first step be that of mirroring the child's state. This helps deactivate the arousal of the sympathetic nervous system and brings the child to a state where he/she will be more amenable to further input towards solving the problem.
[quote author=Kolari in Connected Parenting]
1. Mirror in order to show through your words, tone, facial expression , and body language that you understand and appreciate what he is feeling.
2. Present the problem by letting him know that even though he may be upset, anxious, or just plain angry, his behavior is not acceptable and why.
3. Find a solution either by letting him know what you want him to do (instead of what he’s been doing) and seeing that he complies, or, if necessary, by imposing a consequence for the unacceptable behavior.
[/quote]
The first step - mirroring - is the most difficult. It is counter-intuitive. Yet the success of the subsequent steps depend on the success of the first step. She uses the acronym CALM for the mirroring process.
[quote author=Kolari in Connected Parenting]
Connect
Affect
Listen
Mirror
C: Connect
Connecting is showing undivided attention. It means making eye contact, using your body and your voice, leaning forward, looking involved, maybe even chewing on your pen— in short, doing everything you can to show your child that you’re really trying as hard as you can to understand what he’s thinking and feeling. When you really feel the connection, you’ll know you are getting it right. When you do that, your child will automatically think, “Oh, finally someone is listening to me!” What you’re doing is matching the urgency conveyed by the child’s body language with your own.
If your child is really upset and you’re sitting back calmly saying things like, “It sounds like you feel . . .” or “That must make you feel very angry ,” this is a different technique and may not be as effective. Also , at this point, make sure that you don’t insert stories about your own experiences into the dialogue. Leave those stories for later, after the connection is established and your child has felt very heard. If you try to tell those stories too soon, your child may feel that the conversation has somehow shifted to you and that his own feelings are being invalidated.
To mirror effectively it is essential that you put your own agenda aside for the moment and devote all your energy to making the connection. Your child won’t be able to hear or accept your agenda until he is CALM.
A: Match the Urgency of Your Child’s AFFECT
The term “affect,” used as a noun, means, in psychological terms, feeling or emotion— or, more specifically, the outward display of feelings or emotions. Affect is composed of facial expression , body language, tone of voice— all the nonverbal means we have of projecting emotion. When you’re mirroring, if your child is really angry about something , for example, you need to join with him in showing this emotion. If he’s angry, you might do that by scrunching up your own face, bunching up your shoulders, narrowing your eyes, looking intense, matching in subtle ways the faces he is making, and sharing in his urgency . When you do this, remember that it is important to look genuine. It can’t be too over-the-top, and it must appear sincere , and not exaggerated or comical. Once he sees that you understand his feelings, he will begin to defuse and de-escalate his intensity, and start to organize his feelings. Again, I know this is counterintuitive, but letting him know that the urgency of his message has been delivered and understood allows him to move on to the next step.
Of course, you also want to do this in a controlled way. You don’t want to rant and rave and sound angry yourself. You don’t want to make your child think this is suddenly about you. You just want to let him know you really understand that he feels this way. You’re doing this in order to give your child the sense of safety that comes from knowing someone else understands the seriousness of the problem so he can stop carrying the entire burden himself. That also means he needs to know you’re in charge and not just as anxious or hysterical as he is.
A prime example of how this works occurred when a mother brought her extremely anxious daughter to see me. Sharon was terrified of everything, and when she spotted a fruit fly in my office she immediately flew into a frenzy, climbed on the sofa, and started shrieking, “Oh my God, it’s a fly, it’s a fly, get it, kill it, get me out of here!” at which point her mother tried to calm her down by repeating, “Sharon, calm down, it’s fine, stop it, it’s okay. It’s only a fruit fly. It’s smaller than a mosquito. It can’t possibly hurt you,” which only got Sharon even more hysterical. This presented an opportunity to demonstrate mirroring in action to Sharon’s mom. With affect that demonstrated I was taking her fear seriously but not afraid myself, I looked around the room and said, “Tell me where you think you saw it last . Is it over there? Fruit flies are a big problem for you. You don’t care if they’re small. They move all around and you can’t see them, and they’re bugs. A bug is a bug, and you hate bugs.”
And after only a very few minutes Sharon completely forgot about the fly, because she knew her message had been received and someone was dealing with the problem so she didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Later, when she was calm and no longer in fight-or-flight mode, we were able to talk about the fact that fruit flies are harmless. It is important to stress that it was her fear, not mine, that I reflected to her. I did not run around the room yelling, “A fruit fly, oh my God, that’s horrible !” thereby sending the message that she was actually right to be terrified. I simply showed her that the urgency the situation had for her was registering for me and that I was going to listen to her concerns before rationalizing.
L: LISTEN to What He’s Saying —the Actual Words
Words are your child’s most direct means of letting you know what’s going on in his head. Too often we seem to listen to our kids with one ear while we’re in the middle of doing something else. But now you’re going to really listen. And you’re going to use his words to let him know that.
What you’re not going to be doing is commenting on what your child is saying , as in, “Oh , that must have been really hard for you!” or repeating what he or she is saying as if to be sure you got it right, as in, “Gee, it sounds as if you’re really angry that your sister took your Lego.” When you do either of those things you may be showing that you are trying to understand, but you are also separating yourself from the child by commenting on his feelings rather than joining in the experience. What you are going to do is say the things your child might be saying as if you were in his shoes.
See if you can hear the difference: Kristen was in the car with her mother, who was driving her to gymnastics class . Kristen was whining and complaining that she was having a good time at home and she didn’t want to go to gymnastics. Her mother thought she was mirroring by saying things like, “I understand that you don’t want to go to gymnastics, and I know that you were happy at home, but you go to gymnastics every week and you love it.” But instead of calming down, Kristen got really angry and yelled, “Stop saying what I was saying , and I don’t love it or I would want to go!”
Now listen to this: “Here you are, dragged into the car. I’m making you go to the gym when you were perfectly happy at home. You were feeling like you were in control of your own life, and here I am dragging you off somewhere you don’t want to go!” In the first instance the mother was actually distancing herself from Kristen even though she was indicating that she knew what Kristen was feeling. By doing that she was, without even realizing it, implying that her daughter’s feelings were inappropriate. In the second example she was jumping into Kristen’s shoes, joining with her in those feelings , speaking as if she were Kristen and articulating what her daughter might be feeling out loud like an empathic commentary. After the mirroring statement , Kristen would probably have said something like, “Yeah, you’re right. It’s not fair!” To which her mother would respond, “Yep, you know what? I get it. I get why you’re so mad. I get why you don’t want to go.” By then Kristen would be de-escalating and might say, “Okay, fine! Let’s just go.” She’d likely remain sullen, but would be compliant. Not every child is suddenly going to become cheerful about the situation, but, after you’ve made two or three mirroring statements, most of the time he or she will do what you ask.
.....
In the beginning it will feel awkward and unnatural. This is a therapy technique, not a parenting technique. We aren’t born knowing how to do it; it’s a skill that must be practiced and acquired. If you try it and it doesn’t come out right and your child stands there looking at you as if you’d just grown a second head, or if he says, “Why are you talking like that?” you just need to continue following the CALM technique and say, “I know I sound weird. I’ve been thinking about you lately, and I realize that I don’t always listen to you. So I’m trying to be a better listener. I guess I still need to work on it.” When you do that, your child will be understanding and probably quite moved to hear that you have been thinking about him. In fact, it will most likely be a very nice moment. And the more you practice, the more natural and conversational it will feel.
M: Put It All Together to MIRROR
Connecting, accurately reflecting your child’s affect, and listening to what he or she is actually saying are the three tools that, used in combination, create genuine mirroring and a sincere moment of deep connection.
[/quote]
Mirroring in this way can be practiced in different situations to strengthen the bond with the child and need not be confined only to situations where they are upset. From the little I have tried it, the results have been good.
