Text in brackets added for clarity, and, ummm, humor, and stuff.
Hitler and Stalin were possessed by the Devil, says Vatican exorcist
By NICK PISA Last updated at 17:32pm on 28th August 2006
Adolf Hitler and Russian leader Stalin were possessed by the Devil, the Vatican's chief exorcist has claimed.
Father Gabriele Amorth who is Pope Benedict XVI's 'caster out of demons' [not to be confused with "The Decider" title claimed by GWB] made his comments during an interview with Vatican Radio.
Father Amorth said: "Of course the Devil exists and he can not only possess a single person but also groups and entire populations [and even Christianity itself. Wait, that's off the record.]"
"I am convinced that the Nazis were all possessed. All you have to do is think about what Hitler - and Stalin did. [Just don't think about the Crusades, please] Almost certainly they were possessed by the Devil."
"You can tell by their behaviour and their actions, from the horrors they committed and the atrocities that were committed on their orders. That's why we need to defend society from demons. [So we're starting a stamp-out-religion campaign. No, really! Just not today... That's off the record too!]"
According to secret Vatican documents recently released wartime pontiff Pope Pius XII attempted a "long distance" exorcism of Hitler which failed to have any effect. [This is the antithesis of tele-evangalists who can turn a normal person into a demon right over the TV airwaves]"
Father Amorth said: "It's very rare that praying and attempting to carry out an exorcism from distance works. [In fact it is very rare that WE work. We prefer to collect tithe and sit on buttocks, usually our own]"
"Of course you can pray for someone from a distance but in this case it would not have any effect [We don't know why, we're just saying it.]
"One of the key requirements for an exorcism is to be present in front of the possessed person and that person also has to be consenting and willing."
"Therefore trying to carry out an exorcism on someone who is not present, or consenting and willing would prove very difficult. [The same goes for tithes, you can see this, yes? Money is a demon. We must exercise your purse or wallet, it's for your salvation.]"
"However I have no doubt that Hitler was possessed and so it does not surprise me that Pope Pius XII tried a long distance exorcism. [Nevermind that Hitler didn't ask the Pope do that. We just do what we want to do and then alter scripture if we need to, so we are justified, this makes us the Just]"
In the past Father Amorth has also spoken out against the Harry Potter books, claiming that reading the novels of the teen wizard open children's minds to dabbling with the occult and black magic. [This is of course worse than opening children's minds to a vengeful god who will allegedly cast them into the pits of agnozing hell just for not believing what we tell them to believe. We have the bible to back us up. What does Rowling have?]
Father Amorth, who is president of the International Association of Exorcists, said of the JK Rowling books:"Behind Harry Potter hides the signature of the king of the darkness, the devil. [Unlike Christianity, and even Judaism. Hey, why are you looking at me like that? If you laugh again the interview is over!]"
He said that Rowling's books contain innumerable positive references to magic, "the satanic art" and added the books attempt to make a false distinction between black and white magic, when in fact, the distinction "does not exist, because magic is always a turn to the devil. [It's not magic that god wrote the Bible. That was a miracle. See the difference?]"
Father Amorth is said to have carried out more than 30,000 exorcisms in his career and his favourite film is, according to Italian newspapers The Exorcist. [To date he has failed to exercise the Christian faith itself.]