SeekingtheTruth
Jedi
I know this is long and I hope I'm not adding noise to the forum but I would really appreciate any help you all may be able to offer.
When I first began to learn how our world truly operates via reading the material available from the Cassiopaea, QFG, and SOTT sites, my initial reaction was one of shock but also of happiness. Feeling shocked isn’t surprising as my perspective of the world was more or less turned upside down with this newly found knowledge. My feeling of happiness probably stemmed from the fact that I had found something that helped me make sense of our depressing world in which we live. In other words, it gave me a sense of closure to my desperate attempts to understand the paradox between what our reality could be and what it is actually.
However as time went on and as I delved deeper into the material, especially the works of Gurdjieff, everything I once found important became less and less so. At one point I realized that everything I once considered important for progressing in the world meant nothing at all. I had graduated with honors from the university I was attending, had become a student of medicine and was well on my way to becoming a doctor (something I had aspired to be since high school). In short, I was on a path that I thought would be an optimal way for me to best be of service to others and also be financially secure.
As time went on I read The Wave, The Cassiopaea Experiment, and Adventures with Cassiopaea in its entirety in addition to some of the works by Gurdjieff and Ouspensky and began to question my path. I repeatedly had the feeling that becoming a Doctor was not how I could best be of service to others. I had (and have) the conviction that time was running short and that the time required to understand medicine would interfere with the time required to understand The Work. I felt The Work to be very important and had the thought that in its understanding I would find within myself what it was/is I could do to best be of service to others and actually be able to finally do something.
Throughout the year in medical school I became more and more internally conflicted. I read SOTT and its forum virtually everyday and tried my best to put into practice what I have learned from my readings about The Work. From my readings of maerial provided by SotT I became more knowledgeable about the corrupt intimate relationship between pharmaceutical companies and our health care system. I eventually decided to withdraw from the program to determine a different path.
The more I read about The Work and the more I tried to apply this knowledge in a practical way I really began to realize how selfish the behavior of others are actually.
I began to help all who ask and it may sound silly but I did so without judgment. After some time of implementing this concept it seemed I was becoming a sort of an attractor to those in need. People I have not spoken to in ages would call and ask for help, strangers would ask for food or money and I gave all I could and helped the best I knew how (without suspicion/judgment). Maybe it sounds naïve on my part but at one point I had zero dollars in the bank because I had given my very last dollar to a friend. I felt that maybe she needed it more than I and who was I to judge? I did all of this without hesitation and/or expectation.
One of my motivations was to understand what Ra meant when Ra said, “'The best way of service to others is the constant attempt to seek to share the love of the Creator as it is known to the inner self. This involves self knowledge and the ability to open the self to the other-self without hesitation. This involves, shall we say, radiating that which is the essence or the heart of the mind/body/ spirit complex……the best way for each seeker in third density to be of service to others is unique to that mind/body/spirit complex. This means that the mind/body/ spirit complex must then seek within itself the intelligence of its own discernment as to the way it may best serve other-selves. This will be different for each.”, and also what the Cassiopaeans meant when they said, “Life is religion. Life experiences reflect how one interacts with God. Those who are asleep are those of little faith in terms of their interaction with the creation. Some people think that the world exists for them to overcome or ignore or shut out. For those individuals, the worlds will cease. They will become exactly what they give to life. They will become merely a dream in the 'past.' People who pay strict attention to objective reality right and left, become the reality of the 'Future.'”
Since I had zero dollars in the bank it wasn’t long before I needed money for food and drinks etc…As the need for food arose a friend would call and invite me over for dinner. If the need for money came it seemed without fail that I would find a check laying around from a friend and/or a bank that I had forgotten to cash or a friend would happen to be around and would happen to pay for whatever was needed. It seemed in my attempts to understand the concept of service to others any potential problems seemed to disappear at the last second though I didn’t know how this would ever come about.
It may sound silly, but it was at this point that I began to feel what I thought was Love for the universe. Everyday was an exciting adventure! Serving others in this way was exciting! It was a great way to learn how my actions might actually be interacting with reality! I finally felt like I was doing something in the sense that my actions were consistently coinciding with experiencing the unexpected in a positive way. I was giving to live and living to give and asking for nothing and giving to all who asked.
It was at this point that my feelings started to take an unexpected turn. I felt so much love for all those around me that I started to feel deeply saddened for virtually everyone. I wanted so much for them to experience this feeling of selfless love, the feeling of the universe loving you in return. Sadly, nobody would ask and since nobody would ask a question in such a way that I would be able to share with them the material on this site I couldn’t tell them! Though I felt connected to a higher form of reality and in that sense was not alone, I felt utterly alone. I felt both joy and deep sadness simultaneously. I found myself consistently thinking about all of those people that are living in ignorance of this higher reality. I would cry almost uncontrollably while driving. In social situations I had to fight back tears and would eventually excuse myself to the bathroom to wipe away my tears.
Even though I decided to withdraw from medical school, I waited until after the year was finished to do so. It was during the latter part of the second semester that my feelings started to take a turn for the worse. My feelings of Joy with sadness turned to pity for myself because I wanted so much for there to be someone physical in my life with whom I could share these feelings. I felt I may have been interacting in some way with 4th and possibly 6th density because of subtle coincidences, unexpected last minute events that caused problems to melt away, dreams that coincided with future events, and the way strangers seemed pulled towards me. All of this was so subtle and non-physical. I had these feelings of Love for a part of the universe that I couldn’t physically touch. I had been asking for nothing and giving to all who asked and though I seemed to be given things in return as the need arose none of this could change this feeling of loneliness.
It was during this time that I started to become more selfish and consistently asked, as if in prayer, to meet my other half. I’m a little embarrassed to say so but I tried as hard as possible to phrase the question such that it wasn’t a command but an actual question. And then after months of asking I finally met a girl that I felt could possibly be the answer. We started to date and it seemed as though someone had laid out a coincidental rug for us to walk on. Her name was Laura and since I had felt this Love for the non-physical her name resonated with me. She represented the air that I once couldn’t touch in physical form. I suppose I was naïve because I interpreted the multitude of coincidences as hinting to me that I was (we were) on the right path.
I know it may be naïve but I felt the creation had given a part of itself to me. So I wanted nothing more than to express my Love to her as I had expressed it for both the physical and non-physical parts of creation. In short, I tried my best to give everything while respecting her freewill in the same way I felt creation had respected mine.
Unfortunately, it was not long before I realized that the result of all my giving and helping was being lied to, taken advantage of, and total disregard of my own freewill. For some reason I had the thought that if I continued with this expression of Love maybe her conscience would cause her to want to change for the better but despite all my efforts it seemed to be all in vain.
Though I learned much from my experience with her, I fell into a deep depression. I felt somewhat betrayed by the creation I had once felt so much love for. I then realized that I had been neglecting the presence of the higher 4D STS reality.
After thinking back on everything I have begun to think that maybe all of these experiences were the result of some type of 4D STS manipulation. Maybe I had been duped into feeling Love for the higher STS side of reality thinking that it had been STO (though it was probably both). [Note: As I typed the previous sentence my ear began to ring]
Currently, where I once felt Love for creation when I experienced coincidences, receiving unexpected things in return, etc….I feel like I am being tricked and am constantly suspicious to the point of not trusting anyone or anything, not even my own thoughts. Since this feeling of Love is now absent I am starting to feel more and more indifferent to the world. I once was on a path to being a Doctor wanting to help others. Now I am feeling more and more indifferent to the world everyday and over a hundred thousands dollars in debt. Interesting how not paying strict attention to OBJECTIVE reality puts you in the ruts eh?
I was hoping someone here may be able to help put things in perspective for me and help me reverse this feeling of indifference.
When I first began to learn how our world truly operates via reading the material available from the Cassiopaea, QFG, and SOTT sites, my initial reaction was one of shock but also of happiness. Feeling shocked isn’t surprising as my perspective of the world was more or less turned upside down with this newly found knowledge. My feeling of happiness probably stemmed from the fact that I had found something that helped me make sense of our depressing world in which we live. In other words, it gave me a sense of closure to my desperate attempts to understand the paradox between what our reality could be and what it is actually.
However as time went on and as I delved deeper into the material, especially the works of Gurdjieff, everything I once found important became less and less so. At one point I realized that everything I once considered important for progressing in the world meant nothing at all. I had graduated with honors from the university I was attending, had become a student of medicine and was well on my way to becoming a doctor (something I had aspired to be since high school). In short, I was on a path that I thought would be an optimal way for me to best be of service to others and also be financially secure.
As time went on I read The Wave, The Cassiopaea Experiment, and Adventures with Cassiopaea in its entirety in addition to some of the works by Gurdjieff and Ouspensky and began to question my path. I repeatedly had the feeling that becoming a Doctor was not how I could best be of service to others. I had (and have) the conviction that time was running short and that the time required to understand medicine would interfere with the time required to understand The Work. I felt The Work to be very important and had the thought that in its understanding I would find within myself what it was/is I could do to best be of service to others and actually be able to finally do something.
Throughout the year in medical school I became more and more internally conflicted. I read SOTT and its forum virtually everyday and tried my best to put into practice what I have learned from my readings about The Work. From my readings of maerial provided by SotT I became more knowledgeable about the corrupt intimate relationship between pharmaceutical companies and our health care system. I eventually decided to withdraw from the program to determine a different path.
The more I read about The Work and the more I tried to apply this knowledge in a practical way I really began to realize how selfish the behavior of others are actually.
I began to help all who ask and it may sound silly but I did so without judgment. After some time of implementing this concept it seemed I was becoming a sort of an attractor to those in need. People I have not spoken to in ages would call and ask for help, strangers would ask for food or money and I gave all I could and helped the best I knew how (without suspicion/judgment). Maybe it sounds naïve on my part but at one point I had zero dollars in the bank because I had given my very last dollar to a friend. I felt that maybe she needed it more than I and who was I to judge? I did all of this without hesitation and/or expectation.
One of my motivations was to understand what Ra meant when Ra said, “'The best way of service to others is the constant attempt to seek to share the love of the Creator as it is known to the inner self. This involves self knowledge and the ability to open the self to the other-self without hesitation. This involves, shall we say, radiating that which is the essence or the heart of the mind/body/ spirit complex……the best way for each seeker in third density to be of service to others is unique to that mind/body/spirit complex. This means that the mind/body/ spirit complex must then seek within itself the intelligence of its own discernment as to the way it may best serve other-selves. This will be different for each.”, and also what the Cassiopaeans meant when they said, “Life is religion. Life experiences reflect how one interacts with God. Those who are asleep are those of little faith in terms of their interaction with the creation. Some people think that the world exists for them to overcome or ignore or shut out. For those individuals, the worlds will cease. They will become exactly what they give to life. They will become merely a dream in the 'past.' People who pay strict attention to objective reality right and left, become the reality of the 'Future.'”
Since I had zero dollars in the bank it wasn’t long before I needed money for food and drinks etc…As the need for food arose a friend would call and invite me over for dinner. If the need for money came it seemed without fail that I would find a check laying around from a friend and/or a bank that I had forgotten to cash or a friend would happen to be around and would happen to pay for whatever was needed. It seemed in my attempts to understand the concept of service to others any potential problems seemed to disappear at the last second though I didn’t know how this would ever come about.
It may sound silly, but it was at this point that I began to feel what I thought was Love for the universe. Everyday was an exciting adventure! Serving others in this way was exciting! It was a great way to learn how my actions might actually be interacting with reality! I finally felt like I was doing something in the sense that my actions were consistently coinciding with experiencing the unexpected in a positive way. I was giving to live and living to give and asking for nothing and giving to all who asked.
It was at this point that my feelings started to take an unexpected turn. I felt so much love for all those around me that I started to feel deeply saddened for virtually everyone. I wanted so much for them to experience this feeling of selfless love, the feeling of the universe loving you in return. Sadly, nobody would ask and since nobody would ask a question in such a way that I would be able to share with them the material on this site I couldn’t tell them! Though I felt connected to a higher form of reality and in that sense was not alone, I felt utterly alone. I felt both joy and deep sadness simultaneously. I found myself consistently thinking about all of those people that are living in ignorance of this higher reality. I would cry almost uncontrollably while driving. In social situations I had to fight back tears and would eventually excuse myself to the bathroom to wipe away my tears.
Even though I decided to withdraw from medical school, I waited until after the year was finished to do so. It was during the latter part of the second semester that my feelings started to take a turn for the worse. My feelings of Joy with sadness turned to pity for myself because I wanted so much for there to be someone physical in my life with whom I could share these feelings. I felt I may have been interacting in some way with 4th and possibly 6th density because of subtle coincidences, unexpected last minute events that caused problems to melt away, dreams that coincided with future events, and the way strangers seemed pulled towards me. All of this was so subtle and non-physical. I had these feelings of Love for a part of the universe that I couldn’t physically touch. I had been asking for nothing and giving to all who asked and though I seemed to be given things in return as the need arose none of this could change this feeling of loneliness.
It was during this time that I started to become more selfish and consistently asked, as if in prayer, to meet my other half. I’m a little embarrassed to say so but I tried as hard as possible to phrase the question such that it wasn’t a command but an actual question. And then after months of asking I finally met a girl that I felt could possibly be the answer. We started to date and it seemed as though someone had laid out a coincidental rug for us to walk on. Her name was Laura and since I had felt this Love for the non-physical her name resonated with me. She represented the air that I once couldn’t touch in physical form. I suppose I was naïve because I interpreted the multitude of coincidences as hinting to me that I was (we were) on the right path.
I know it may be naïve but I felt the creation had given a part of itself to me. So I wanted nothing more than to express my Love to her as I had expressed it for both the physical and non-physical parts of creation. In short, I tried my best to give everything while respecting her freewill in the same way I felt creation had respected mine.
Unfortunately, it was not long before I realized that the result of all my giving and helping was being lied to, taken advantage of, and total disregard of my own freewill. For some reason I had the thought that if I continued with this expression of Love maybe her conscience would cause her to want to change for the better but despite all my efforts it seemed to be all in vain.
Though I learned much from my experience with her, I fell into a deep depression. I felt somewhat betrayed by the creation I had once felt so much love for. I then realized that I had been neglecting the presence of the higher 4D STS reality.
After thinking back on everything I have begun to think that maybe all of these experiences were the result of some type of 4D STS manipulation. Maybe I had been duped into feeling Love for the higher STS side of reality thinking that it had been STO (though it was probably both). [Note: As I typed the previous sentence my ear began to ring]
Currently, where I once felt Love for creation when I experienced coincidences, receiving unexpected things in return, etc….I feel like I am being tricked and am constantly suspicious to the point of not trusting anyone or anything, not even my own thoughts. Since this feeling of Love is now absent I am starting to feel more and more indifferent to the world. I once was on a path to being a Doctor wanting to help others. Now I am feeling more and more indifferent to the world everyday and over a hundred thousands dollars in debt. Interesting how not paying strict attention to OBJECTIVE reality puts you in the ruts eh?
I was hoping someone here may be able to help put things in perspective for me and help me reverse this feeling of indifference.
