Am I DEAD?

[Risen]

I decided to post this in baked noodles since it would probably get moved here anyway. First I was going to post in "What's on your mind"
I have had a strange, recurring impression for several years that I am dead and don't know it yet. I don't mean dead in a spiritual sense, actually DEAD. At times I am almost certain that I have died but I don't know exactly when. I even imagine that other beings here know and are not allowed to tell me for some reason. It seems like some feel empathy and try to give hints and some think it's funny that I don't know. Everyone I know seems greatly changed and I even think they may be impostors (pretending to be people I know). I wonder if I am in some sort of hell. At first I was terrified, but now I'm sort of getting used to it and am willing to accept and go on with this new situation. I considered that I may have an attachment that feels like this or that I am a walk-in or something (or insane). But what seems really true is that I was alive somewhere else, better than here, and something happened and now I am here. Being "here", to me, feels like being dead. Kind of like a "light hell", limbo, or purgatory. It was because of these ideas that I went searching for answers on the net and found "the work". Originally on the Montalk site, which I became disenchanted with but at least I am grateful I found out about Ouspensky and "The Fourth Way" there. Trying to self-remember and to do the work has been the turning point in my "recovery". I have spent lifetimes searching and have come here from a much different path than most here, none the less, here I am and I am gratefull for the opportunity to read and learn. I am reluctant to post because , even though I understand the material, I have difficulty expressing myself well in writing.

 

[anart]

Hi zombie, it sounds like you've been going through a difficult time. Though very painful, that's not necessarily a bad thing, if you can utilize it. Perhaps it would be beneficial to acknowledge the possibility that the forum knows you by another name/account?

While you decide on that, here are two quotes that you might also want to consider:

He who learns must suffer
And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
And in our own despair, against our will,
Comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

and

Objective thought is the look from Above. A free look, one that sees. Without this look placed upon me and which sees me, my life is the life of a blind man, who goes wherever impulse pushes him, without knowing why or how. Without this look placed upon me, I cannot know that I exist.

I have the power to lift myself above myself and see myself freely . . . to be seen. I have the power that my thought not be enslaved. For this, it must let go of all the associations that hold it captive, passive. It must cut the threads that bind it to all these images, to all these forms; it must free itself from the constant pull of emotion. It must feel the power it has to resist this pull, to see it while lifting itself steadily above it. In this movement thought becomes active; it becomes active in the act of purifying itself; and in this way it acquires an aim, a single aim: to think “I,” to realize “who I am,” to enter into this mystery.

Otherwise, thoughts are only objects, occasions for enslavement, snares in which real thought loses its power of objectivity and voluntary action. Troubled by words, images, forms that attract it, real thought loses its faculty of seeing. It loses the sense of I. Then I am nothing more than an organism adrift. A body deprived of intelligence. In the absence of this look, I am compelled to return to automatism and the law of accident.

This look at the same time situates me and frees me. And in my best moments of collectedness, I come to a state where I am given to know, to feel the goodness of this look which descends upon me, which embraces me. I feel myself under the radiance of this look.

Each time, the first step is the recognition of a lack. I feel the necessity for a thought. The necessity for a free thought turned toward myself, so that I might actually become conscious of my existence. An active thought whose sole aim, sole object is I . . . to find I again.

This is my struggle: a struggle against the passivity of my thought. A struggle without which nothing more conscious can find room, can be born. It is a struggle to leave the illusion of “I” in which I live, in order to come closer to a more real seeing. At the heart of this struggle an order is created in the chaos, a hierarchy: two levels are revealed, two worlds. As long as there is only one level, there can be no seeing. Recognition of another level—that is the awakening of Thought.

Without this effort, thought falls back into a sleep inhabited by words, images, set notions, approximate knowledge, dreams and various disturbances. It is the thought of a man without intelligence. It is terrible to realize suddenly that one has lived without one’s own independent thought. Without intelligence. Without anything that sees what is real. And so, without connection with the world Above.

It is in my essence that I reunite with that which sees. If I could stay there, I would be at the source of something unique, something stable, at the source of that which does not change.

In short, in order to become 'free' one must travel through the dark night of the soul, no matter how long that night might last - and while the night may be inhabited by zombies, the sincere traveler is not one.

 

[Risen]

[anart wrote] Hi zombie, it sounds like you've been going through a difficult time. That's not necessarily a bad thing, if you can utilize it. Perhaps it would be beneficial to acknowledge the possibility that the forum knows you by another name/account?

Yes, I have another account but I don't think anyone knows me as I have rarely posted. I'd like to keep it separated for now if that's permitted . I really do feel like two different people these days. Someone at home knows my other account name and I don't want them to read what I've written here . Thank you for your encouragement. It's been a very long night.
Peace

 

[Craig]

Have you looked into depersonalization at all? Please come back and tell us what your take on that is, and whether it is the same "symptoms". Can I ask also how this came about, what changes in your outer/inner lifestyle preceded it?

 

[Risen]

Have you looked into depersonalization at all? Please come back and tell us what your take on that is, and whether it is the same "symptoms". Can I ask also how this came about, what changes in your outer/inner lifestyle preceded it?

Wow! this sounds very much like it. It happened when I started to awaken and then went through a prolonged period of extremely stressful events. I had even considered epilepsy because I sometimes have what seem to be seizures of shaking but do not lose consciousness. Actually, two events came about before my awakening: one I went to my grandmother's funeral and therefore was forced to be near my very abusive psychopathic mother and sisters and two, I started a new romance with a very unstable person who was able to easily push all my buttons and bring up every hidden forgotten trauma in my memory. However, I now realize that said relationship was actually very beneficial in the long run. I have now resolved many of these issues and although I still have "spells" of whatever it is, I have been able to progress in the work and have began to feel stronger and more able to cope with any type of situation. When I wrote the first post, I was feeling myself slip into one of these episodes and it seems that it was actually thwarted by my effort to communicate with others who might shed some light on the situation. I think perhaps the feeling that people (ones I know) are all different is because of a change of awareness on my part, a change in my perception of reality which is actually a good thing. Perhaps they are the same as always and I am seeing them for what they always have been. It is possible that many of my "buffers" were shattered at the same time and it was too much for me to integrate at the time. Your suggestion to research depersonalization was most helpful. Thank you for your comment. It is not necessarily a bad thing, just very frightening at the time without having understanding people near me. The feeling that I died is not so bizarre when taken in this perspective. In a sense I did die, or at least "i" died or am dying.
Peace

 

[Ellipse]

Try vitamin B family and E through diet.

Lettuce (a lot), watercress, spinach, organic sunflower oil, wheat sprouts, organic wheat sprouts oil, radish, celery and seafood, except winkle, for iodine. Oyster if you can.
Add magnesium too and avoid fried food at all cost.

If you can, go to an acupuncturist.

Do it fast and report us progress.


Do you live in or outside town ?

 

[Craig]

It's hard to say what it is, though I certainly know how terrifying it becomes, and how true it seems. I would highly recommend Leo Tolstoy's "A Confession" which deals with his experiences of existential despair, and the epiphany he had after wandering through this dark place.

To approach a higher intelligence with abused and repressed emotions is a recipe for disaster. Some people have become so locked up in their heads, so dissociated from their feelings, that it creates a depressive down-spiral into meaninglessness. Falling into apathy and seclusion is often the result. When all that really operates is the cold intellect - when there are no positive emotions allowed to flow and balance it from beneath that hardened crust of abuse - then it's the inevitable conclusion; either that or suicide in the worst of cases.

Like I said, this book could be of help if you read it slowly and carefully. Keeping and maintaining a journal is a good idea also, as well as staying current with the groups here.

I think if you're getting something like seizures, then you should seriously consider seeing your doctor about that, as well as psychological support. You should explore all options.

 

[Risen]

Try vitamin B family and E through diet.

Lettuce (a lot), watercress, spinach, organic sunflower oil, wheat sprouts, organic wheat sprouts oil, radish, celery and seafood, except winkle, for iodine. Oyster if you can.
Add magnesium too and avoid fried food at all cost.




Do you live in or outside town ?

Yes I think you are right, I ate turnip greens and radish for several days and felt much better, which foods are high in magnesium? I live in a very rural area.
[quote author=Leopher]To approach a higher intelligence with abused and repressed emotions is a recipe for disaster. Some people have become so locked up in their heads, so dissociated from their feelings, that it creates a depressive down-spiral into meaninglessness. Falling into apathy and seclusion is often the result. When all that really operates is the cold intellect - when there are no positive emotions allowed to flow and balance it from beneath that hardened crust of abuse - then it's the inevitable conclusion; either that or suicide in the worst of cases.[/quote] You are right, I have very little positive emotion and have become a recluse, however I truly am doing better of late and am reaching out more. I have even accepted an invitation to spend holiday with my neighbor which is unusual for me. I will certainly read "A Confession", Tolstoy is a favorite of mine yet I have missed that one. As for seeing a doctor, I have considered that however as things are getting better,I think I shall try to do the dietary changes and reading first and see how that goes. I will keep posting results and stay active in the forum, at least reading it. Thank you for your replies.
Peace

 

[anart]

Yes, I have another account but I don't think anyone knows me as I have rarely posted.

Well, I did remember you, thus my question.  :)

I'd like to keep it separated for now if that's permitted Ninja. I really do feel like two different people these days. Someone at home knows my other account name and I don't want them to read what I've written here .

Unfortunately, no, it's not permitted.  In this situation, however, I think we can make an exception since it's best considering the need for anonymity at your home.

Thank you for your encouragement.

Well, that's one of the reasons we're here.

As for seeing a doctor, I have considered that however as things are getting better,I think I shall try to do the dietary changes and reading first and see how that goes. I will keep posting results and stay active in the forum, at least reading it. Thank you for your replies.

Sounds like a good plan, I can't stress how important diet - and magnesium! - is - as you can see with the amount of time and energy Laura has spent posting detailed instructions on it.  Another point to remember is that even if you are 'alone' in your day to day life, you are never really alone - there are others out here who are awakening and beginning to See the true horror of the situation who can and will assist you if you allow it.

 

[Ellipse]

I ate turnip green

Good, but do not forget to balance with vegetables growing upon the ground.

which foods are high in magnesium?

This is part of your job to find. Almond is one.

One more word: adapt. If you can't get organic sunflower oil for example, try to get sunflower seed.

I live in a very rural area.

Fine, so you can use weather elements to reconnect. Go under the rain or the wind. Depending your location walk in the snow, in the forest or in the sea or through fields.
You certainly have access to animals too (horses, docs, cats...), caress them, talk them to regain sensations.

Shut down your cell phone, wifi and replace home wireless phone. Avoid TV and too much time in front of computer screen. Try to get informations if a new cell phone tower is in your vicinity. In a word, protect your brain. Go in emergency mode.

I have even accepted an invitation to spend holiday with my neighbor which is unusual for me.

Good.



Now there's one more universal thing you can do. Do you  guess what ?

 

[Risen]

Now there's one more universal thing you can do. Do you guess what ?

Sorry, Ellipse, I cannot guess, perhaps meditate?

Thanks for the understanding, Anart.

Leopher, I cannot find "The Confession" at my library. Is it perhaps called "The Confessed Crime" in translation?

Peace

 

[Craig]

As far as I'm aware, it's just "A Confession". You can read it online (click here) or print it out if you like, it's quite short.

 

[Nienna]

Hi Zombie,

I, too, think that you should really check out your diet. There are many good threads in Diet and Health. But especially check out the Magnesium Miracle, the Candida and the Detoxification threads. All of the highlighted threads are very important for all of our health.

Good luck.

 

[Ellipse]

Sorry, Ellipse, I cannot guess, perhaps meditate?

You are very close. It's something similar but more easy.

 

[T.C.]

It happened when I started to awaken

(...)

It is possible that many of my "buffers" were shattered (...) and it was too much for me to integrate at the time.

Hi Zombie.

Have you ever read this overview of Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration?

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=883.0

Level II is a transitional period. Dabrowski said you either fall back, move ahead or end negatively, in suicide or psychosis. "Prolongation of unilevel disintegration often leads to reintegration on a lower level, to suicidal tendencies, or to psychosis" (Dabrowski, 1964, p. 7).

The transition from level II to level III involves a fundamental shift that requires a phenomenal amount of energy. This period is the crossroads of development as from here one must either progress or regress.