The time wasn't right...

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
Hello fellow FOTCM members and nonmembers alike!

I am a relatively new member to the FOTCM and an old member of these forums.

I have one post on this forum that is over two years old, since that time I have developed quite a bit and became a member of The Fellowship.

I have read most of the recommended materials by the SOTT team and others outside of this particular quorum and I finally feel that I am ready to make my contributions to this circle, limited as they may or may not be.

I described myself fairly well in my original post but I believe that I can expand on that now.

Well, I am no longer 36 (38), and I no longer work at that retail chain (I am now self-employed). All other information I shared is accurate and current.

I have, since then, read all the information posted about the Cassiopaea Experiment, I have begun practicing EE and I am now fully engulfed in the Paleo diet lifestyle.

One of the personal issues that I am currently working through is feeling a sense of self-worth. All throughout my life I have allowed others to control how I feel about my contributions. I am also hypercritical of myself (which leads me to be overly critical of others). In my line of work, IT support, I have found this attitude to be a boon as I am able to provide assistance to my clients that I am completely assured of.

In my recent personal life, however; I have been less than outgoing because I am unwilling to stop examining myself at all times. In social situations I always hold myself back. I am wary of my tendency to become what I perceive to be overly-animated. I have a lot of personal energy and a driving desire to help others in all things. Thus I have a tendency to wax philosophical at the wrong times and to not allow myself to be in the moment. While I know that most people that I interact with do not judge me for this, I judge myself and become withdrawn.

I have had some incredible experiences when my inner shaman was allowed to shine (either by me relinquishing my draconian levels of self-control, and/or the energies of the situation were conducive) and there are a few people out there who look up to me in ways that I don't always feel comfortable with because of this. I have a tendency to attract followers. This too has limited my desire to act in social situations, I don't want followers. I am not worthy of that distinction.

This attitude of mine is relatively new (the last five years or so) and is a direct result of my work in the spiritual realm. I have held the mirror to my soul and found myself lacking. I am now ready to move on and take my rightful place as a teacher, leader and spiritual advocate for those who desire it of me. I know that I have work to do to further perfect my personality, but I see this as a lifelong work and that perfection is not a destination but rather a journey.

I've always known, in the deepest recesses of my psyche, that I am destined to lead people (in what capacity I am still unsure). This has been confirmed for me by various signs, portents, synchronicity and, most notably, by a Q'ero shaman during a re-birthing ceremony.

What I seek to gain from my relationship with the FOTCM is a sense of purpose that goes beyond my personal, selfish goals. I seek to find a place where my particular talents and perspective will be of the most positive value. I seek a place where I can continue to learn and develop my awareness of the truth that is hidden all around us.

The global situation is coming to a head and I feel that time is short. There is a quickening occurring in my soul as I am well aware is occurring with countless others at this time and I now know that it is time to leave weakness behind and to accept, in full knowledge of the consequences, my rightful place in this world.

I know that the fine people who belong to this forum will help me to determine what my true place is and I hope to reciprocate in kind. I know that I don't need this help as I am truly the master of my destiny, but this is the avenue that I have chosen as my personal oracle.

Thank you for reading my humble post and I welcome any and all feedback. Remember that you are worthy of the Universe and that great knowledge can be possessed and shared by anyone regardless of their personal growth. It all depends on how well we listen to each other.

May the Light shine upon you and banish the shadows of your soul.
 

MusicMan

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Mikha'el,
I saw your post and observed that you had not elicited any responses, which got my attention.
You noted that you feel that you are a leader.
My father once said to me: "To command, one must learn to obey!"
I lived by this tenet for about fifty years, until I woke up and realised that to command, one must learn to command! Too late for me, I might add..
All there is, is lessons.
If you are a natural leader people will gravitate to you.
I consider that Laura is an excellent example of this. She leads by example. And hard work!
Michael is the chief of all the Angels in Heaven.
That should give you some inspiration!
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
MusicMan, I truly appreciate your response and your candor. Yes, it is true that of the few modest posts that I have made here (it is always a struggle for me to post in forums, I generally want to post a lot but end up deleting them due to my self-recrimination) only a few have elicited responses.

So I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Yes, all in life are lessons. This I truly appreciate and try to convey to as many as I can. There are no right answers, there are no wrong answers, there are only lessons to be learned.

My response to you is that we never stop learning lessons, regardless of how long we have been in this life. There is a loss in this world of the sense that age grants wisdom. You are never to old to learn, grow, adapt or change. Experience is life's greatest teacher and I know that you have knowledge that can benefit those who are in need of learning what you have been taught throughout your life.

Please continue to be a beacon to those who enter your sphere of influence, trust me it is not wasted time.
 

obyvatel

The Living Force
Hi Mikha'el,
You wrote in your first post in this thread

Yes, it is true that of the few modest posts that I have made here (it is always a struggle for me to post in forums, I generally want to post a lot but end up deleting them due to my self-recrimination) only a few have elicited responses.


Regarding "self-recrimination" - it can be (and often is ) a manifestation of self-importance. It is like I have this image of myself which I cherish and would not want to be tarnished by others; I critique myself so others cannot. In this way I feed the self-importance further by thinking I am modest and humble. Whether it applies in your case or not, I do not know for sure - but something for you to consider, especially since you believe you are destined for leadership.
 

Mal7

Dagobah Resident
Mikha'el said:
I've always known, in the deepest recesses of my psyche, that I am destined to lead people (in what capacity I am still unsure). This has been confirmed for me by various signs, portents, synchronicity and, most notably, by a Q'ero shaman during a re-birthing ceremony.
Taking things like synchronicity as being confirmation of the truth of a belief which one has could be a trap. For example, if someone had a belief that a giant orange frog was going to swallow the world in 2044, they might start seeing oranges, frogs, and the number 44 everywhere. It's not that there are really more frogs than birds, or orange things than pink things, but more like that their unconscious is selectively picking certain stimuli as being significant, and allowing those particular stimuli to be allowed through a filter into their conscious awareness.
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
obyvatel said:
Hi Mikha'el,
You wrote in your first post in this thread

Mikha'el] What ... us. [/b] [/quote] [quote author=obyvatel said:
If this is your goal, then posting more would help.

I would appreciate a little more clarification on why this action would help. I don't disagree that I don't post enough, but I have already stated why that has been difficult for me.

Mikha'el] I know... personal oracle. [/quote] [quote author=obyvatel said:
Have you had the chance to read Ouspensky's "In Search Of The Miraculous" (ISOTM) or any of the books discussed in the cognitive science section of the forum - like Timothy Wilson's "Stranger to Ourselves" ? If not, I would suggest getting familiar with this material.

I will definitely familiarize myself with this material.

Mikha'el said:
Yes, it is true ... only a few have elicited responses.

obyvatel said:
Regarding "self-recrimination" - it can be (and often is ) a manifestation of self-importance. It is like I have this image of myself which I cherish and would not want to be tarnished by others; I critique myself so others cannot. In this way I feed the self-importance further by thinking I am modest and humble. Whether it applies in your case or not, I do not know for sure - but something for you to consider, especially since you believe you are destined for leadership.

On this point I have to heartily disagree. Generally I become unsatisfied with the overall tone of my postings. I become overly critical and, given enough time to self edit, I always come to the conclusion that my post is not important enough or that I am unable to convey my intentions in a way that satisfies me. Then, in order to not misrepresent myself, I delete said posts.

To clarify a point that I made in my original post, I do not seek the leadership role, it has been thrust upon me for various reasons. Because of the recurrence of that theme I have basically had to make peace with the fact that that is the role that has been decided for me. Either through my own unconscious desires/machinations or through a mechanism of the Universe that has placed me in the proper place at the proper time.

I absolutely welcome any positive criticism, that is the best way to grow and develop a true personality. What I don't appreciate is being taken out of context, which it is very easy to do in this type of forum.


Mod's note: Edited to fix the quotation boxes.
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
Mal7 said:
Mikha'el said:
I've always known, in the deepest recesses of my psyche, that I am destined to lead people (in what capacity I am still unsure). This has been confirmed for me by various signs, portents, synchronicity and, most notably, by a Q'ero shaman during a re-birthing ceremony.
Taking things like synchronicity as being confirmation of the truth of a belief which one has could be a trap. For example, if someone had a belief that a giant orange frog was going to swallow the world in 2044, they might start seeing oranges, frogs, and the number 44 everywhere. It's not that there are really more frogs than birds, or orange things than pink things, but more like that their unconscious is selectively picking certain stimuli as being significant, and allowing those particular stimuli to be allowed through a filter into their conscious awareness.

I think you missed the thrust of what I was trying to convey. Here is a case in point of why I find it difficult to post in these forums. Things have a tendency to be taken out of context and represented in a manner which was not intended by the original poster.

I have come to terms with the leadership role that I have inherited because I can no longer deny it due to these portents and synchronicities. Not the other way around.

I do not want this responsibility, I would rather continue to work on myself and not have to take on the burden of guiding others.

I refuse to quote myself so I will reiterate my intentions from the first post.

I am a humble being, I always have been as I feel it is better to be humble that to act from false bravado. I have been walked over and taken advantage of because of this belief and yet I stick to it. The times when I have been called upon to lead others have all been circumstantial and not my intention in the slightest.

Perhaps, subconsciously, I have chosen to fight this leadership role because I understand how corruptible the human heart can be. Power over others can be corrupting in the extreme and I do not want to fall down that particular rabbit hole.

There is one incident in particular from my past where a certain person looked up to me so much that he told me he would do anything I asked him to do. I realized that this was a false perception on his part as he was starving for attention from a male figure that he looked up to. Unfortunately, I had to spurn him and turn him away because I knew that it was not right for him and that it would have been very easy for me to take advantage of the situation. I had a moment of giddiness that I could have this much power over another person and that more than anything else scared me to my core.

Yet, whenever I meditate on what the future holds for me the image that comes through is that I will lead people through a troublesome time and I have worked towards learning exactly what is to be expected of me.

Is this a delusion? Perhaps, but then again, I have received many portents, signs and omens that it is not. To refer back to the Q'Ero shaman that I have done work with, he told me in a very blunt and straightforward manner that I am in my sixth spiritual evolution. That the basic fact that I see myself in a reluctant leadership role in the future is the confirmation that I have evolved enough spiritually to be able to do this without being corrupted.

Another thing that I would say is that it is very easy to project our own beliefs and prejudices on other people, especially when shielded behind a monitor and keyboard, and that if you find yourself being critical of what another person is stating that you should first examine why you feel the need to break that person down. I sometimes spend hours editing my posts for credibility and and non-prejudice.

I have to say that I find your opinion in this matter to be very 3D and not in line with my personal belief system. I know that I have worked beyond the level of affirming the consequent, or confirmation bias, as I do not actively seek out these leadership roles and yet they have been thrust upon me time and time again.

How many times does one need to be hit in the face with a brick before one learns to duck?
 

Mal7

Dagobah Resident
Mikha'el said:
I am also hypercritical of myself (which leads me to be overly critical of others). In my line of work, IT support, I have found this attitude to be a boon as I am able to provide assistance to my clients that I am completely assured of.
So being hypercritical of yourself actually means you are able to come up with the absolute truth of a matter through a finely-tuned process of introspecting your own thoughts and knowledge?
Mikha'el said:
Thank you for reading my humble post and I welcome any and all feedback.
Mikha'el, to me your post doesn't come across as being humble, but rather as being grandiose, like you have some kind of Messiah complex. The tone of your replies to me seems like a persecuted, misunderstood Messiah complex, and once again not a very humble kind of Messiah either.
And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt.
- Exodus 3.11.
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
Well, well. Here I thought that this was a forum where one would be able to express their inner self without fear of blatant judgment and/or persecution. When the fact of the matter is that I have received more negativity in this thread alone than I have on many other forums.

If I come across as having a messiah complex, well I guess that you could read that from my posts. I don't feel that this is a healthy discussion anymore because I am having to become more and more defensive. My posts seem grandiose because I over edit them and I have a penchant for drama. If you had actually read them with a critical eye, you would see this.

Mal7, you seem to be very judgmental in your post, is that how you truly are?

These are the things that have been happening in my life, I do not share them very often and obviously for good reason.

If this is what I can expect from this forum then I am sorely disappointed. I have been a lurker here for a long time and I also have a presence on SOTT (I post under the name Jean Michel). I am also a member of FOTCM.

I have been told that I need to post more and that is what I am doing. If all you can do is criticize and not attempt to help or teach then I don't think that you are a positive addition to this forum. All I ever want to do is help people when they ask for it, I don't try to push my beliefs on others and I would never shoot someone down just for expressing themselves.

Now I'm allowing myself to become upset. Who do you think you are to attack me in this manner? I don't see how your response can help me to become a better person and frankly I have decided to report it to the admins as being inflammatory and degrading.

I would really like to hear from more of the senior members on this site, but that seems like a very hard task to accomplish.
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
LET ME MAKE THIS ONE POINT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR SO THAT THERE IS NO CONFUSION:

I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, WE ALL HAVE THE SAME POTENTIAL AND WE ARE ALL ON THIS JOURNEY TOGETHER.

Mod: Changed annoyingly big police
 

mkrnhr

SuperModerator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
Hi Mikha'el,
It is natural to be upset. However, when someone tells you: your post sounds this or that as if you were this or that, that's not a direct judgment on your person, but rather an observation. Most of the time, we think something, we feel in a certain way, and yet our words express them in a different manner. When such an observation is made, the most humble and rational (in the sense of the Work) thing to do is stop and think: Why do people perceive what I am saying in such a way? Is it my choice of words? Is it something in my subconscious that I'm not aware of? One can take it as a golden opportunity to know him/her self. Introspection works to a certain extent, but observations from others allow going even deeper. You are emotional right now, but maybe considering the following thread https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,26247.0.html later may permit you to see things differently.
Hope it helps.
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
Thank you, mkrnhr for your reply.

I can appreciate your post much more than others in this thread because at least it is cogent, meaningful and without perceived malice.

I understand exactly what you are saying to me because I have said it to many others myself. I will use this as another opportunity for introspection.
 

AnarKissed

Padawan Learner
I just discovered that the link to my first post is broken.

For anyone that cares to read it, here is a proper link to that original post: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,28557.msg356089.html#msg356089
 
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