Thought that I needed to add to the subject started, relating to the lessons and experiences spoken of in post about my brother.
So hope that anyone attempting to read can bear with me and thanks for your patience as this one is going to be longer.
Hoping that some of these difficult experiences will be of some help to others.
In the past have preached about how relationships are one of the main ways we are 'got at' , and this is just what I've read in the transcripts somewhere.
And have criticised other people for their relationship choices, including my brother.
I'm in process of breaking up with my partner, so this is going to go into some personal stuff and will try to keep it to minimum.
This post will be eventually about forgiveness, (so it is related in a roundabout way), and psychopathology/sociopathic behaviour.
It's also about the relationships we have, regarding how they may affect those of us who are involved in this work.
Again hopefully you can bear with me, as I've got to explain certain things to get there.
This is really painful for both of us, and finding out that ending a relationship is way more easy to say than to do. (It has been my choice).
Also realising how hypocritical i have been when judging others about relationship choices.
Before now, have said that my partner is a very kind and loving person and this is true.
However, after certain experiences there have been other things that have come to light and realisations after things that have happened.
Have also stopped using cannabis continuously as a comfort blanket, started dreaming again which has changed my perception of things for the better.
When we first met, made him aware of the C's work and told him that I was scared of getting involved in ANY serious relationships due to the nature of the work, and that if he wanted to be in a relationship with me then he had to accept that this is the most important goal in my life, to do this work.
. And that he had to invest time and energy in reading Laura's work, The Wave series and the Cassiopaean Transcripts, or it would be difficult for us to understand each other.
At the time I said this, I didn't quite realise the significance of it.
We got together in early 2019.
I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible and am missing out loads of stuff otherwise it would be mammoth.
When we met, was very alone and in great need of help with caring for my Mum, was totally exhausted.
The first thing that attracted me to him were his looks, he is a handsome man. Totally knew this and questioned myself about it, but he showed me more love, care and attention that anyone ever had before.
He helped me immensely with lots of things regarding caring for my mum, moving from care home to care home, hospital visits, taking me here and there you name it. And will always be very grateful for this, as I'm sure my late Mum would be.
At this point I'd not yet met his family, or his kids . And at this time he was going through a difficult divorce with what sounded like a pathological woman, from the stories I've heard, it was apparent that his family life had been really awful, really toxic with her and her kids from a previous marriage. He had 2 children by her also.
Was also was going through a hellish situation as my sister had just passed from cancer and Mum was nearing the end of her life after many years of ill health.
Looking back we didn't really have a lot in common, came from very different backgrounds and probably the main reason for bonding was the traumatic experiences we were going through.? Perhaps. Although we got on really well, and he always said that he would support me in doing anything relating to the C's, creative work, and was very open minded about it.
Although whenever i tried to have deep and meaningful type conversations about these things, it was diverted to more trivial subjects, kind of dismissive. He did show some interest, mainly video series on the Internet etc.
He also agrees about the state of things in the world and really notices the negative things that are happening which was always something we spoke of alot.
He kept re affirming his interest to read and study though, so was very hopeful, optimistic about this. .
But he hasn't read any of the work so far.
Things slowly started to change, mainly regarding the behaviour of his kids. It was about his reactions to their negative behaviour. This started gradually, then became worse.
The problems were characterised by extremely toxic and selfish behaviour from his son and daughter. Had realised from other experiences, that it's difficult to accept a new partner but this was another level. To start with some things were okay to be fair, but things just got worse, especially when i stood up to them.
My partners reaction to them doing this, time and again was mild to say the least, and very lenient considering how they behaved. He didn't always agree with me about this, and it's just my perspective, but that's where most of the conflict was caused.
Also have understood that he was being protective toward them because of their difficult upbringing, and by the sounds of it, how his ex wife treated them with so much unfairness - as compared to the favouritism she showed her kids from the previous marriage. So i also felt alot of sympathy toward them. (Even so, his kids still favoured their mother over him mostly, and this made him feel even worse, as he had been the one to support them!) So there was a feeling of hurt for him, because of this too.
Regarding his reactions to them when they were malicious toward me, In context of the way my parents brought my brother and I up, his reaction was so mild and inappropriate that it caused me great inner turmoil and feelings of betrayal, but he downplayed it mainly, and still sometimes does to this day. (Doesn't agree).
Rememberd thinking , if i behaved like that my Mum and Dad, (who have since passed), would have given me big punishment.
My partner made excuses for them most of the time, (doesn't admit it), and I understood and let it go, put my feelings aside because of knowing about the difficulties during their upbringing that they had experienced, and didn't want to leave the relationship.
It's not all been like this, there are definitely exceptions. But generally his reaction was mild, to have a quiet calm word, not raising his voice, and only after the event.
Especially with his daughter, and to her, he has not yet raised his voice, regarding anything to do with me. Or the way she has treated him.
He says that he did have words with them when i wasn't there, I'll never really know what happened. But I never heard him get really angry with them.
This being compared to him getting angry and abusive toward me, alot of the time, when I pointed out how nasty they were being. Sometimes i was angry too.
It's like he wanted to 'keep things on a level', with them, as he's said before, whilst shouting and being aggressive to me for criticising them when I was hurt. It was like fighting battles on all fronts, with them, then him.
His kids obnoxious behaviour was happening more when Mums health was deteriorating and after my sister died. Which they knew about.
Just after Mum passed, my partner was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, instead of being helpful or supportive, his family created dramas for him, one of them even calling him whilst he was intensive care to hassle him about something. And the kids showed him very little sympathy, no support and weren't there for him. As time went by they got worse and started treating him with the same kind of malevolent attitude, really harmful. Toward me also.
So he's been through hell and is extremely hurt by all of it. Just felt awful for him as he's been through so much and couldn't believe how his family, sisters too, were treating him. They did the same to me whilst I was caring for him.
We both helped his kids financially, tried to help them emotionally from the time that we met, so as to try to heal some of the things they had been through due to the difficulties they had experienced whilst growing up. He even continued to help when he was going through chemo treatment. And after the operation, his daughter was asking him for help, not offering any herself. And he agreed.
Which is when it really kicked off with her.
Was really worried for him, and as usual have to pick up the pieces.
So stood up to her by saying 'no' to her politely, firmly, because it was obvious he wasn't strong enough to help, not long after a huge operation, and she was asking him to help her move house !
I offered my help, which she refused rudely. Then i completely lost it, calling her a selfish b****, (sorry). She didn't like it one bit and it caused a huge conflict, which ended up with her leaving the house and giving her father even more abuse, sending him nasty texts etc.. She still expects an apology from us.
Asked him why he agreed to help her when he knew very well he was not in the right state to do it, and he said to avoid the stress she would give him, as he was too weak to argue.
Can definitely understand this, although he was never too weak to argue shout, or get angry with me when it came to his kids.
Before this, his daughter had stayed at the house with us where she lived with us at the time and passed on a nasty virus, also knowingly, when we asked her to stay at her boyfriends house, so as not to pass it onto her dad after his treatment. She ignored this. He was really ill for 2 weeks, not long after having a collapsed lung due to op. . This was downplayed at the time too.
They didn't agknowledge any help we gave them, or appreciate the good things we did, which i guess is normal for people who are very damaged, negative.
Recently his son physically attacked and injured me, when it all came to a head. (He actually headbutted my head into a wall violently, and luckily it didn't hit my temple or something like that).
This happened after his son had been behaving in an obnoxious way toward his dad for days.
His dad's reaction was to actually get his son a small gift, and show him affection.
Which would probably only make it worse, (in my mind).
Again he did this to keep things 'on a level'
In my opinion, he was pacifying him.
The attack happened when i actually misunderstood a situation, and his dad and I tried to help and defend him in this case. (Big mistake there).
His son reacted to this so rudely that I lost my temper, (which has always been a, weakness), and that's when he went for me. My partner did step in to defend me bless him, and his son then attacked him.
Recently when his son tried to get back in touch, and pretend nothing happened, my partners reaction was very mild in my opinion, again. When I was hurt about this, once again got shouted at.
Again not once has a word been said in anger toward his son after the event.. Even through it's true that my partner obviously felt really bad about the whole situation, and still does.
Got really frustrated at him though, (kind of knew something like that had been on the cards for a while due to his sons mental health issues), frustrated for ignoring me, as I'd warned him several times about his sons problems and how serious they were, that he was putting me at risk (and both of us), by taking us to stay with his son to 'help' once again. (As it was apparent by this time that the son prob wasn't open to changing etc), (and hated women amongst other things). And told my partner about my negative sides, and that i was trying not to get into situations with people who triggered me.. As I can have be a looney too when faced with people like that, no doubt. Big fail there then!
Time and again, have warned him that if he didn't read Laura's work, that he was putting us both at risk..
He had alot going on however, I'm totally aware of this. And also during this time his dad passed.
His dad had exactly the same cancer as my partner a few years ago.
One exception to the negative behaviour of his family is one of his sisters, and her husband who is a man of faith. They have been okay throughout the whole thing, and helpful recently even, it hasn't all been bad to be fair.
Anyway he kept re assuring me he would read the work, but it just didn't happen, and says he will, but something tells me that it probably won't happen.
The thought was, he's just saying it to keep the relationship going, because of the love for me. It's my gut feeling. In my mind, don't think he's being entirely honest with himself about whether he truly wants do dedicate himself to/and read the work, and when I asked him about this he kind of confirmed this by his reaction..
- When i tried to explain how cunning these forces are, that he really needed to get with it and read, a lot of time his reaction was to do stuff like roll his eyes and say "i know" etc. Found this attitude really frustrating.
So anyway, basically it's my fault for getting into this relationship, have put myself at the centre of this as was it my choice to be in it.
There were things I lied to myself about and repressed.. Because of not wanting to be alone, (I've never lived alone, either lived in shared house with mates, or with family). So that's still pretty daunting. And wanting things to work, and of course there were lots of other good things besides attraction between us, he's really hard working, reliable, affectionate and didn't hesitate to help me and Mum when we really needed it. I'll miss his companionship, care and affection. For the first time in life felt like I'd found someone where we would be by each others sides, and thought I'd found someone to take care of and to give love to, didn't feel so alone. .
He'd also been through so much with his ex and family that i felt protective, and that he could be victim of attack in many ways, due the previous marriage also, but looking back, these could be happening for other reasons that aren't possible to understand right now.
Also noticed that his kids had been taking advantage of him for ages, and noticed how his son had pretty much used all his dad's savings, as my partner rented a flat for his son to live in, by happenstance originally, but he carried on doing this when I warned him not to. So again felt protective of him.
The situations surrounding his family kept happening, and even though they are not there now, we still argue over the same things, even though he really does realise now what his kids can be like, and again it must be awful for him.
More recently there have been more arguments about mini dramas, tons of arguments over nothing, raising his voice at me over minor stuff and sometimes saying hurtful things, without understanding why this could be hurtful to a person. Or it's a battle to get him to understand eventually, which is really tiring.
So lots of negative waves being communicated to me more recently. I'm definitely not innocent, tend to get angry and over react, as my bad temper is definitely a weakness and find it difficult not to get caught up in these dramas.
Also realise that his kids have had such a difficult upbringing so it would be unfair to blame them, and need to find forgiveness, understanding about this eventually.
Many times, have wanted to walk away because it was so intense.
But in no way could I have left him during such an awful thing he was going through during cancer, God knows what would have happened if his children had been left to take care of him.
Okay.
So I'm getting to the conclusion and thanks to anyone who has hung in there so far.
* What I've learned so far is that for someone who is really serious about doing this work, this spiritual journey we are doing together, is that, for whatever the reasons, if I have a partner who does not get to grips with this work and is not wholeheartedly invested in this work, it could be bad for both of us.
For me the lesson so far is:
Not to get involved in a relationship unless the person I'm with is wholeheartedly dedicated and committed to this work, or be more a lot more cautious about it.
And there are still so many things that remain a mystery, so will always be open minded to change etc ..
But at the moment it's been so damaging and I'm so drained from all of it that had to make this decision.
When i did, also felt like a weight had lifted even though it was painful, and finally started to look after my health again and feeling more energy than I have in a very long time. Even though I'll miss him dearly, and this is really not easy.
Anyway, feel worse for him about everything.
Even though i know it's very painful for him, I can't stay in a relationship that is breaking me down. As eventually it won't do him any good either.
Also, not saying these experiences that have happened to me necessary apply to others.
Just thought it best to share what's happened, and hope you guys don't mind.
It has definitely been a learning experience, hopefully one that won't be repeated.
(And also, this experience has totally knocked any need for a physical relationship out of me right now, sorry to be so frank).
Other perceptions, and once again, could be off, (as I just can't see what's actually going on behind the scenes) :
For me It's impossible to have a proper conversation about these things with someone unless someone has fully invested and studied Laura's work.
Have Ignored many warning signs, one of which was that from the very beginning, he was having considerable, repetitive feelings of deja vu.
The suffering we have both been through, with the way his family have acted, his reactions, my reactions, (I've never shouted so much in my life), the energy drain has been huge.
These have been probably been the result of my poor choices, and i take responsibility.
Feel more pain for him as he really didn't want to end the relationship, so I've ended up hurting him which is even worse.
My brother was there for me when I really needed it, whom I've criticised about his relationship choices.
Now in the process of trying to forgive his kids and family which is going to take a long time.
In hindsight, felt that something was just not "Right" from the very beginning, deep, and should have trusted my intuition at the very beginning. Or so I think as again open to being wrong.
The thought is that I've made the wrong choices and may have brought great suffering and misfortune into my life and others. In terms of my actions, in this case i was advocating negativity, as was my partner, in my opinion. This brought misfortune into my/our lives.
I also invested a lot of energy into something that probably wasn't reasonable, due to my wishful thinking about the relationship, even though there were other good things, but in hindsight, I also had a hard time asking myself if the relationship was really going to be good for us both in the long term.
Another reason to split is that even though my partner doesn't see his kids, and is very hurt by their behaviour, can imagine they'll still be in each others lives, which is very understandable. Although for me it's too damaging, I've never before felt real hatred, but from them and some of his family it's definitely there, and is a very destructive thing to be on the receiving end of.
I now fear some kind of retaliation from his son who is very open to negative orientation, and am considering getting a guard dog, live alone although there are folks living near me luckily . So these things can have lasting effect, although I'm not gonna focus on it too much as this won't bring anything good either.
I know that whatever pain my partner caused with his inactions, reactions, it is completely unintentional.
He has been really hurt by his kids and families behaviour, so I'm hoping he will heal in time. Luckily he's recovering well, considering what he's been through.
So anyway.
For anyone who has had the patience to read, just thanks.
To Laura, for your work, thank you and all my love.
I'm sharing this in the hope that it may be of some use to others. Maybe others have have been through similar things too ..
