XPan
The Living Force
Tekki died
14 aug 2022
I've been somewhat dreading to write about what happened - just couldn't get myself to do so here, because every time i thought of doing so, i had to push it away, just sobbing all over again. But not writing about it, feels even worse (kind of not right).
It all came suddenly
and out of the blue. My husband run into the bedroom pulling me out of sleep last Sunday 14 Aug 2022, early evening, "Ralf, Ralf.... Tekki isn't breathing !!" - I understood nothing, while running to her basket... seeing how her body tried to breathe... (her belly kind of convulsed once every 20 seconds). And then it all stopped a minute later. She was gone. Her eyes still half open, in such a sweet, dear, hauntingly beautiful and vulnerable way... we sobbed, oh we sobbed. I am still sobbing as I travel back to what only happened a week ago. The thoughts, and every time i look at her in the photo.
I also comes to me in moments when the mind is empty not thinking of anything, the lack of her presence becomes suddenly pronounced. I never fully understood how deep i have connected to her, and it felt, that she did too (during the time she lived with us here in Stockholm).
I took a few photos while Sal went to our neighbour, who has cute little dog called Pluto - and asked her for advice what to do with Tekki's body. She buried her last two dogs - and so would Sal do. She borrowed him a big showel - and one hour later Sal had buried her into the ground in a wet area a kilometer away. Hastily I had plucked flowers from the balcony, and grabbed Tekki's beloved "palla", which is Italian and means "boll", for Sal to put to where Tekki would be buried.
Tekki and her Palla.... big friends and lots of hilarious joy. Boy did we play...
It was a strange experience.
I have never ever attached to an animal so deeply by heart, as with Tekki, since the day Sal moved from Sicily to Stockholm and brought her here in Oct 2020. (Those animals I have been with, were not my animals. So, I never experienced what happened to them after separation)
And I have never seen a beloved animal or human being die, either.
They always been far away, when that happened. Yet, I have experienced many deeply attached separations to people i loved, despite them not having died - and them acting as if they had died. So, the grief felt like that - as if they died; the refusal to communicate, and making themselves totally inaccessible. (Dead yet highly Alive).
So, when Tekki passed away, i realized that the stuff made of grief, was pretty much the same, when one is connected to a being, out of love. Talk about animals literally, being a family member. They truly are. It now makes all sense. The grief also brought me "in touch" with those who mourn the passage of beloved animals. Suddenly it all sunk in deeper; Dog owners. Cat owners. Owners of any beloved animal (and any beloved human being) - made suddenly even deeper sense to me To actually feeling that...
Actually, i also feel more emotion when watching people walking their dogs now. It becomes a more precious sight !
Tekki taught me, through her own presence and being typically Tekki, that she was a being of her own. An entity, so to speak - under all the layers of typical 2D dog-ness. She mirrored through her patience, her personality and being just Tekki, my own shortcomings in my personality. You know, the areas where I lack or tend to fail. Becoming aware of all those little STS aspects and decisions in the small, where i chose myself over her. This made me ponder more and more about Tekki's being in the past 9 months, realizing that under the dog Tekki, lies even wiser aspects of creation.... teaching me a lesson ! Reminding me ! That in return made me feel more and more respect for Tekki as a being.
So true. So true. So true.
For unknown reasons, we thought Tekki would turn 14-15 old ...
The sorrow also made me travel from within, thinking of Laura's dog Cherie passing, Perlou's dog passing, and Michelle's beloved son sudden death - but i had to steer away from it, in order not to get crazy in my own grief, because it started to accelerate too much by walking those roads any deeper, i realized.
In the morning of the same day
Tekki passed, when I came home from my night shift in the morning, we played. And i hugged her gently, I remember that so well. Like a gesture of saying "I really love you". Sal had gone up, and Tekki threw herself onto the IKEA carpet, doing her thing - playing with the palla / boll, which she loves to chew on, and then lifted it up with ther paws - which looks ultra cute, and we giggled and giggled.
I will upload a video, made in Feb 2022, showing how that looks like. It's here:
rumble.com
Sometimes I would come and just hug her
or kiss her on the head while whispering gently to her - and she would sort of stand there, listening to the sound of my voice. Or she would come in the morning at 0700 when i come home through the door, me going on my knees, and with her head she would push it against my knees and legs. Or when i took my hand and gently wrapped it around one side of her face, she would push her face deeper into my circle of hand.
Then i would say... "Tekki.... Do you want Schappi-Schappi ?!" (food), and her face would be filled with attention - like a little pony jumping up with funny looking jumps. Every single gesture becomes such a... i don't know how to say... like gestures deeply written into your heart. So familiar. And when she was suddenly is gone, oh, it gets really heavy, because the heart aches so.
Tekki loved people - and people loved her.
I often wondered... how many times did/does Tekki wiggle with her tail - because she was literally wiggling all the time constantly. Like a really, really happy dog. She was loved, and I believe she had a very good life, with many variations, due to the changes that went on in her and Sal's life during the past 11.5 years. Originated from Sicily, moving to Stockholm in Oct 2020 - and from there, we really formed a deep connection... and boy did we laugh so many, many times. You see, I played a lot with Tekki, far more than Sal. All kinds of "crazy" funny situations, and Tekki was so responsive - which just made my heart fly of joy because of that.
Now the bond between her and Sal
was beyond everything else - you would tell ! The way she looked up to him, speaks in a wordless way everything there is to know - pure love. They bonded since the beginning, and it was always present at all times when they interacted ! For me, it was such a joy to see, read and sense that with my own eyes. There is no love like puppy love *grin*
I also loved the process of learning her communication. That lady communicated a lot (!) - it was just me, who was a little bit on the slow end. But over time, I understood her much better... I absolutely loved when i asked her "what is it you want" - and she would point out with her paw, what it was she wanted. Oh, you should have been.... moments, so heart warming, so endlessly cute, and so filled with joy...
Like I said, Sal and I, we laughed and smiled countless times. The last 2 years of having had her in Stockholm, living together on daily basis, was the best thing we ever did. So much Love in this House !
In the most noble way...
It is strange. She passed out of this life in the most elegant, noble way. We were always bit worried that she would get seriously ill during the last stage of her life and we would drown in even more debts when going to doctors and having operations (which are very costly here in Sweden). But Tekki was never ill. Being a daughter from a half breed and a street dog, she was healthy all the way. Sal send his honest wish to the universe, asking for support, that if Tekki needs to leave this plane of existence, to do so without suffering and operations / procedures, so that we wouldn't be cast into poverty from all the bills.
Strangely, that is exactly what Tekki did. From highly alive, she faded away within a half hour early evening of Sunday, 14 Aug 2022, while Sal was present and tried to help her by just being with her, gently, giving her water, caressing her while in the basket, when she started a period of 15 minutes with her body heavily convulsing, trying to get air (I assume her heart at that point was giving up becoming irregular). I was only present in the last minute newly awakened, in the last moment, when she basically transitioned...
Moments out of Tekki's life
I have gathered a few moments out of Tekki's life, to show you her through photos.
Tekki in Catania, Sicily, together with Sal's daughters Carla and Paola, 2016.
Tekki with Sal, who took a nap in the other room on the sofa. Stockholm, Jan 2022.
The left photo is so hillarious.
So, when I would eat at my computer desk - while Tekki was sitting on the sofa - she would suddenly look up, her head partially becoming visible, while turning her head halfway around and looking with her big eyes... what was going on. *Any yum-yum ?* It made her look... ah... so endlessly cute, i have to laugh, my heart smiles every single time i look at that photo.
In the right photo, well "Tekki and her beloved Palla/Boll" - what else. Cute as ever.
Tekki portrait on the carpet (April 2021), while just looking into the distance. While in the right photo, she was resting with her "Palla" and her wooden stick in her basket ("cuccia"), Aug 2021
Ruth from Sicily came over for a visit, and here all three stood at the subway station of Högdalen in Southern Stockholm.
To the right - Tekki has taken on a goofy "diva" position while resting with Sal. (Aug 2021) *grin*
Traditional portrait while she and Sal were playing with throwing and catching the boll / "palla", may 2021
Tekki had the funny ability sometimes to look or behave (in some aspects) like different animals. I have discerned aspects about her such as the "wolf", the "pony", the "hare", the swan" or "duck" - and other animal like features... It was very interesting to observe / to live with her !
Tekki and food.
Oh boy, anything goes - always !! I was eating nuts in the photo, and got of course all her attention. (I would tease a lot in many different ways - but only as long she approved with my ways). I also taught her things not to do (*grin /*ooops*) such as jumping up with her paws towards the legs, to collect her price, like nuts or a carrot, or anything eatable.
Sometimes when she would grab a carrot from your hand, and RUN like a pride being, to the other room, to the carpet in order to consume it there. But it has happened a few times, that Tekki was so over-the-top-energetic, that she would bang her head against the side of the kitchen closet, because she was too eager to run off with the "price" in her mouth...
14 aug 2022
I've been somewhat dreading to write about what happened - just couldn't get myself to do so here, because every time i thought of doing so, i had to push it away, just sobbing all over again. But not writing about it, feels even worse (kind of not right).
It all came suddenly
and out of the blue. My husband run into the bedroom pulling me out of sleep last Sunday 14 Aug 2022, early evening, "Ralf, Ralf.... Tekki isn't breathing !!" - I understood nothing, while running to her basket... seeing how her body tried to breathe... (her belly kind of convulsed once every 20 seconds). And then it all stopped a minute later. She was gone. Her eyes still half open, in such a sweet, dear, hauntingly beautiful and vulnerable way... we sobbed, oh we sobbed. I am still sobbing as I travel back to what only happened a week ago. The thoughts, and every time i look at her in the photo.
I also comes to me in moments when the mind is empty not thinking of anything, the lack of her presence becomes suddenly pronounced. I never fully understood how deep i have connected to her, and it felt, that she did too (during the time she lived with us here in Stockholm).
I took a few photos while Sal went to our neighbour, who has cute little dog called Pluto - and asked her for advice what to do with Tekki's body. She buried her last two dogs - and so would Sal do. She borrowed him a big showel - and one hour later Sal had buried her into the ground in a wet area a kilometer away. Hastily I had plucked flowers from the balcony, and grabbed Tekki's beloved "palla", which is Italian and means "boll", for Sal to put to where Tekki would be buried.
Tekki and her Palla.... big friends and lots of hilarious joy. Boy did we play...
It was a strange experience.
I have never ever attached to an animal so deeply by heart, as with Tekki, since the day Sal moved from Sicily to Stockholm and brought her here in Oct 2020. (Those animals I have been with, were not my animals. So, I never experienced what happened to them after separation)
And I have never seen a beloved animal or human being die, either.
They always been far away, when that happened. Yet, I have experienced many deeply attached separations to people i loved, despite them not having died - and them acting as if they had died. So, the grief felt like that - as if they died; the refusal to communicate, and making themselves totally inaccessible. (Dead yet highly Alive).
So, when Tekki passed away, i realized that the stuff made of grief, was pretty much the same, when one is connected to a being, out of love. Talk about animals literally, being a family member. They truly are. It now makes all sense. The grief also brought me "in touch" with those who mourn the passage of beloved animals. Suddenly it all sunk in deeper; Dog owners. Cat owners. Owners of any beloved animal (and any beloved human being) - made suddenly even deeper sense to me To actually feeling that...
Actually, i also feel more emotion when watching people walking their dogs now. It becomes a more precious sight !
Tekki taught me, through her own presence and being typically Tekki, that she was a being of her own. An entity, so to speak - under all the layers of typical 2D dog-ness. She mirrored through her patience, her personality and being just Tekki, my own shortcomings in my personality. You know, the areas where I lack or tend to fail. Becoming aware of all those little STS aspects and decisions in the small, where i chose myself over her. This made me ponder more and more about Tekki's being in the past 9 months, realizing that under the dog Tekki, lies even wiser aspects of creation.... teaching me a lesson ! Reminding me ! That in return made me feel more and more respect for Tekki as a being.
So true. So true. So true.
For unknown reasons, we thought Tekki would turn 14-15 old ...
The sorrow also made me travel from within, thinking of Laura's dog Cherie passing, Perlou's dog passing, and Michelle's beloved son sudden death - but i had to steer away from it, in order not to get crazy in my own grief, because it started to accelerate too much by walking those roads any deeper, i realized.
In the morning of the same day
Tekki passed, when I came home from my night shift in the morning, we played. And i hugged her gently, I remember that so well. Like a gesture of saying "I really love you". Sal had gone up, and Tekki threw herself onto the IKEA carpet, doing her thing - playing with the palla / boll, which she loves to chew on, and then lifted it up with ther paws - which looks ultra cute, and we giggled and giggled.
I will upload a video, made in Feb 2022, showing how that looks like. It's here:
Tekki and her Palla
It is a beloved scene, where Tekki, our dog from Sicily, plays with the boll, which in Italian is called "palla". She has her special ways of dealing with the boll when she throws herself onto the car
rumble.com
Sometimes I would come and just hug her
or kiss her on the head while whispering gently to her - and she would sort of stand there, listening to the sound of my voice. Or she would come in the morning at 0700 when i come home through the door, me going on my knees, and with her head she would push it against my knees and legs. Or when i took my hand and gently wrapped it around one side of her face, she would push her face deeper into my circle of hand.
Then i would say... "Tekki.... Do you want Schappi-Schappi ?!" (food), and her face would be filled with attention - like a little pony jumping up with funny looking jumps. Every single gesture becomes such a... i don't know how to say... like gestures deeply written into your heart. So familiar. And when she was suddenly is gone, oh, it gets really heavy, because the heart aches so.
Tekki loved people - and people loved her.
I often wondered... how many times did/does Tekki wiggle with her tail - because she was literally wiggling all the time constantly. Like a really, really happy dog. She was loved, and I believe she had a very good life, with many variations, due to the changes that went on in her and Sal's life during the past 11.5 years. Originated from Sicily, moving to Stockholm in Oct 2020 - and from there, we really formed a deep connection... and boy did we laugh so many, many times. You see, I played a lot with Tekki, far more than Sal. All kinds of "crazy" funny situations, and Tekki was so responsive - which just made my heart fly of joy because of that.
Now the bond between her and Sal
was beyond everything else - you would tell ! The way she looked up to him, speaks in a wordless way everything there is to know - pure love. They bonded since the beginning, and it was always present at all times when they interacted ! For me, it was such a joy to see, read and sense that with my own eyes. There is no love like puppy love *grin*
I also loved the process of learning her communication. That lady communicated a lot (!) - it was just me, who was a little bit on the slow end. But over time, I understood her much better... I absolutely loved when i asked her "what is it you want" - and she would point out with her paw, what it was she wanted. Oh, you should have been.... moments, so heart warming, so endlessly cute, and so filled with joy...
Like I said, Sal and I, we laughed and smiled countless times. The last 2 years of having had her in Stockholm, living together on daily basis, was the best thing we ever did. So much Love in this House !
In the most noble way...
It is strange. She passed out of this life in the most elegant, noble way. We were always bit worried that she would get seriously ill during the last stage of her life and we would drown in even more debts when going to doctors and having operations (which are very costly here in Sweden). But Tekki was never ill. Being a daughter from a half breed and a street dog, she was healthy all the way. Sal send his honest wish to the universe, asking for support, that if Tekki needs to leave this plane of existence, to do so without suffering and operations / procedures, so that we wouldn't be cast into poverty from all the bills.
Strangely, that is exactly what Tekki did. From highly alive, she faded away within a half hour early evening of Sunday, 14 Aug 2022, while Sal was present and tried to help her by just being with her, gently, giving her water, caressing her while in the basket, when she started a period of 15 minutes with her body heavily convulsing, trying to get air (I assume her heart at that point was giving up becoming irregular). I was only present in the last minute newly awakened, in the last moment, when she basically transitioned...
Moments out of Tekki's life
I have gathered a few moments out of Tekki's life, to show you her through photos.
Tekki in Catania, Sicily, together with Sal's daughters Carla and Paola, 2016.
Tekki with Sal, who took a nap in the other room on the sofa. Stockholm, Jan 2022.
The left photo is so hillarious.
So, when I would eat at my computer desk - while Tekki was sitting on the sofa - she would suddenly look up, her head partially becoming visible, while turning her head halfway around and looking with her big eyes... what was going on. *Any yum-yum ?* It made her look... ah... so endlessly cute, i have to laugh, my heart smiles every single time i look at that photo.
In the right photo, well "Tekki and her beloved Palla/Boll" - what else. Cute as ever.
Tekki portrait on the carpet (April 2021), while just looking into the distance. While in the right photo, she was resting with her "Palla" and her wooden stick in her basket ("cuccia"), Aug 2021
Ruth from Sicily came over for a visit, and here all three stood at the subway station of Högdalen in Southern Stockholm.
To the right - Tekki has taken on a goofy "diva" position while resting with Sal. (Aug 2021) *grin*
Traditional portrait while she and Sal were playing with throwing and catching the boll / "palla", may 2021
Tekki had the funny ability sometimes to look or behave (in some aspects) like different animals. I have discerned aspects about her such as the "wolf", the "pony", the "hare", the swan" or "duck" - and other animal like features... It was very interesting to observe / to live with her !
Tekki and food.
Oh boy, anything goes - always !! I was eating nuts in the photo, and got of course all her attention. (I would tease a lot in many different ways - but only as long she approved with my ways). I also taught her things not to do (*grin /*ooops*) such as jumping up with her paws towards the legs, to collect her price, like nuts or a carrot, or anything eatable.
Sometimes when she would grab a carrot from your hand, and RUN like a pride being, to the other room, to the carpet in order to consume it there. But it has happened a few times, that Tekki was so over-the-top-energetic, that she would bang her head against the side of the kitchen closet, because she was too eager to run off with the "price" in her mouth...
