Stress at work

[Renaissance]

I'm having one of the most bizarre experiences of my personal life. I work at a residential home for teenage boys. The day of Thanksgiving a new hire shattered his foot playing basketball with the boys. The next day an eight year residential worker lost it and grabbed a boy by the back of the neck after a minor conflict and abusively restrained him. An hour or so later the boy tried to commit suicide. I filled in many hours in the weeks after, during which we had one resident losing control of himself and violently acting out. At the same time we have another resident fueling much of the chaos in nonviolent but straining behavior. There was an investigation into the actions of the abusive behavior of my coworker and the other day he was let go. This has left us under staffed, which is natural but stressful; it's been mainly myself and another worker who have had to try our hardest to maintain the safety of the house. Today we had another boy sexually expose himself to the director. I just got a call from a co-worker telling me that our director lost it tonight and after needing a fill in for the third shift, that she called the president of the agency telling him to cover it and then after an argument with him, she resigned.

My stress level was through the roof last Wednesday. My thoughts, emotions and physical body felt like they were moving through sludge. After having a pretty productive supervision meeting with my director, I was able to hysterically cry and scream my brains out on the drive home. That actually revived me completely and I felt renewed and even joyful in the days after. But now, even before I knew the director resigned, my stress level returned. I think one of the few things getting me through this is the drive to keep these boys safe. In a residential home with a mix of strong abusive and abused behaviors its not easy under normal circumstance. Under these circumstance it's very hard.

I have to wonder if much of this is part of my own doing. When I started working at the shelter about a year and a half ago, it was an incredibly negative work environment. There was much infighting between shifts and just a lot of toxicity. I decided to try and create a healthy environment for myself and for the boys we are supposed to be trying to help. Some were drawn towards it, others not so much. The worker who abused the boy had a lot of old resent towards some other workers, and the new environment was bringing up these things more and more. It was particularly frustrating to him that people weren't joining with him on the animosity he felt towards others. I actually expected some turmoil to come with the new environment, but nothing like this. It was actually pretty amazing for about a month when people were really working together; the house was incredibly stable, and the resident's behavior reflected that. Going to work was smooth and relaxed; there were virtually no behavior problems with the boys. I guess it was the calm before the storm.

I just wanted to share. If anyone has any input I could use it.

 

[T.C.]

Hi Los

Hang in there!

I have to wonder if much of this is part of my own doing. When I started working at the shelter about a year and a half ago, it was an incredibly negative work environment. There was much infighting between shifts and just a lot of toxicity. I decided to try and create a healthy environment for myself and for the boys we are supposed to be trying to help. Some were drawn towards it, others not so much. The worker who abused the boy had a lot of old resent towards some other workers, and the new environment was bringing up these things more and more. It was particularly frustrating to him that people weren't joining with him on the animosity he felt towards others. I actually expected some turmoil to come with the new environment, but nothing like this. It was actually pretty amazing for about a month when people were really working together; the house was incredibly stable, and the resident's behavior reflected that. Going to work was smooth and relaxed; there were virtually no behavior problems with the boys. I guess it was the calm before the storm.

What kind of changes did you try to make?

 

[RedFox]

Hi Los

As TC says, hang on in there!
A few things come to mind, so hopefully they may be of help.

Having seen many friends and family be in situations where there company is understaffed, I can understand the pressure your under. Adding a care environment to the mix and that must be a whole new level of stress.

I just got a call from a co-worker telling me that our director lost it tonight and after needing a fill in for the third shift, that she called the president of the agency telling him to cover it and then after an argument with him, she resigned.

Seems your co-worker tried to deal with it (find a solution). Two things could well have happened here, the president could well be pathological (position of power) so less likely to assist, your co-worker may have also actually been trying to off load the stress (this is different than actually asking for help) onto him. Either way she didn't get help/get to offload her stress...

My stress level was through the roof last Wednesday. My thoughts, emotions and physical body felt like they were moving through sludge. After having a pretty productive supervision meeting with my director, I was able to hysterically cry and scream my brains out on the drive home. That actually revived me completely and I felt renewed and even joyful in the days after.

Seems you found a way to dump your stress! Definitely a healthier option than trying to pass it on.
As to feeling like moving through sludge. Have you read Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort? It may well help you deal with some of the energetic dynamics of the situation. i.e. feeding
When I'm stressed (and I've observed it in others) all sorts of things kick in, one being the old psychic vampire....which if it feeds off another, then passes on the stress/feeding....its definitely an element as to why people can snap.
Thinking clearly and rationally can be near impossible when you've been fed off, unless you recognise it. If left unrecognised this perpetuates the circle of stress/feeding/program triggering.

But now, even before I knew the director resigned, my stress level returned. I think one of the few things getting me through this is the drive to keep these boys safe. In a residential home with a mix of strong abusive and abused behaviors its not easy under normal circumstance. Under these circumstance it's very hard.

Although admirable, be aware that this 'drive' could be a program (hiding under something genuine), and may be what 'drove' others off the cliff so to speak.
Being a good carer starts with yourself. It may be worth looking at your drives, and where they are driving you (is the driver actually awake and at the reigns?)

The day of Thanksgiving a new hire shattered his foot playing basketball with the boys.

Looking for a bit of symbolism, there may be something here? Although exactly what I'm not sure of.

I have to wonder if much of this is part of my own doing.

Perhaps? But be careful where this thought can lead, especially when you are low on energy.....

Going to work was smooth and relaxed; there were virtually no behavior problems with the boys. I guess it was the calm before the storm.

I find my life use to do that before finding sott. I 'deal' with an issue, and then everything would be smooth...then things would go bad and build up inside until I came to another breaking point....and 'dealt' with another (or the same!) issue....
I've learnt to recognise this as a healing process and not something to be rejected (Which I was doing). Using the analogy of a wound, any toxins need to come to the surface to be expelled. When it comes to the mind an emotions however, the expelled is not so simple.
Expand that to a group situation, and you could say you have many wounded I's, some who want health and to be healed, some who don't, some who are pathological all mixing in a collective mind.
Some of the more rigid I's couldn't adjust to the knew was of collective thinking, some gravitated towards it, and some played along whilst subtly manipulating things in the background. Some are ready for a change, some are not, and some can't change there nature.

One key element the analogy lacks however is that this collective mind is made of individuals, sometimes it is a collective, sometimes its not. And as there individuals, free will in respect to any change comes into play (given the constraints of a care environment).

Hopefully taking a step back and an overview may help put things in more perspective.
As TC asks, what changes did you make?

Given how you've described it, it sounds like you created quite a positive impact! I hope that in some way you are able to return to that.

One last thought

Going to work was smooth and relaxed

Given how wounded (and perhaps pathological) some of your residents (and carers) may be, do you think its reasonable to assume that this will always be so?

 

[ScioAgapeOmnis]

Just a thought, but, how honest and communicative are the staff with the boys? How old are the boys? Maybe the teens could make it easier on you if you had a talk with them about the staffing "toxicity" and your feelings and the problems? Maybe they do not need you to keep them safe - they are more than likely very capable and could be willing to help you to the best of their ability if they were privy to your troubles?

When I was in high school, the teachers most loved and respected by the students were those who didn't try to "manage" or "control" them but were honest, direct, and frank with them, and also understanding and respectful of their thoughts and feelings, and being willing to listen as well. Of course they enforced discipline but they did it in such a way that the kids had no doubt that it was necessary as opposed to some arbitrary act of "authority" for the sake of authority.

Those teachers were not seen as part of the "system", part of those who do not understand and do not care, but instead kids saw them as being on their side, who they can confide in and be friends with, genuinely so. And it has been my experience that in such classes the kids were wayyyy more likely to do everything they can to help the teacher, because kinship and mutual understanding goes a very long way to destroy that separation of "us" and "them" and create a sense of cohesion, empathy, and being on the same side.

Anyway, perhaps you already did all this I don't know, but if not its something to consider.

 

[Cyre2067]

Hey Los, with a seriously stressed environment like that your body will deplete itself of essential minerals and vitamins much faster then normal. In order to maintain your health I suggest picking up a copy of 'The Magnesium Miracle' or at the very least ensuring you're getting lots of green veges, a magnesium supplement is always a good idea, and perhaps event a multi-B vitamin. That will at least keep your energy levels stable.

I gotta give you madd props for working in that sort of environment. If it were me I don't think I could do it, too sensitive. I wish you the best of luck and good vibes!

 

[Renaissance]

Hi everyone, thank you for your thoughts and support. It's been a rough couple of days since I last posted so I haven't been able to respond. One the things that's been ongoing has been the lack of support at work and it's been mostly me and another guy whose taken on the continuing crisis. I don't know how much more we'll be able to handle. I'm extremely grateful to have had some preparation in doing the Work because I don't know how I'd be able to get through this if I hadn't. I also have been going to individual therapy for the last five months or so and that's been useful in being able to recognize and release my emotions. I think stress might act most directly on aspects of the false personality; if we're too attached to those aspects the pressure will bring us down, perhaps to a breakdown. If we can detach from those elements then it seems the pressure can disintegrate them to break through instead.

What kind of changes did you try to make?

When I first began there the work environment had a lack of or even an absence of working relationships between two shifts as well as with the director. The missing relationships allowed for a lot of imaginary perceptions to develop and cycles of blame and negativity would pretty much rule interactions. So, one of the first things I tried doing was meeting with the director regularly to discuss things going on in the house. The meetings helped in formulating ways to help develop relationships. Few ideas actually worked out, however people were putting in effort to make healthy relationships and that effort was really what was needed more than anything else. This also helped initiate a program of problem solving rather than solely blame.

Seems your co-worker tried to deal with it (find a solution). Two things could well have happened here, the president could well be pathological (position of power) so less likely to assist, your co-worker may have also actually been trying to off load the stress (this is different than actually asking for help) onto him. Either way she didn't get help/get to offload her stress...

I think I should clarify a little here. I have a co-worker who I'll call John. John was waiting for the overnight shift to come in and when one didn't come in because the overnight worker said he had requested it off, he called the manager who was on-call. He was told to call the director of the house who I'll call Betty. Betty seemed to have cracked. She said she was going to call the president of our agency to have him work it. The president runs a number of departments in the agency and she likely knew he wasn't going to come in and she was likely looking for an opening to have an argument with him and resign. I don't know if the president is pathological as I've only met him a couple of times...so far I do not get that impression.

As to feeling like moving through sludge. Have you read Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort? It may well help you deal with some of the energetic dynamics of the situation. i.e. feeding

When I'm stressed (and I've observed it in others) all sorts of things kick in, one being the old psychic vampire....which if it feeds off another, then passes on the stress/feeding....its definitely an element as to why people can snap.

Thinking clearly and rationally can be near impossible when you've been fed off, unless you recognise it. If left unrecognised this perpetuates the circle of stress/feeding/program triggering.

Yes, I've read Unholy Hungers; it's one of my favorites. It's been helpful in being able to recognize when I'm feeling urges to feed and when I'm being fed on. The book should be required reading for those working in social work/human services. The high stress certainly has brought out such urges. Part of the loss I'm feeling with the director's resignation is the relationship I had where I could work through such feelings with her. One advantage of working in this field is that these things are understood to a degree with some people. The release I got when I was in my car screaming and crying was actually preceded with a meeting with her where I was able to work through some of those things.

Although admirable, be aware that this 'drive' could be a program (hiding under something genuine), and may be what 'drove' others off the cliff so to speak. Being a good carer starts with yourself. It may be worth looking at your drives, and where they are driving you (is the driver actually awake and at the reigns?)

I thought about this and as of right now I don't think it is a program. The drive to have a healthy and safe house in the midst of chaos has had a stabilizing affect for me, and it is one of the few things I feel is keeping me going and sane. If it is a program, it's one I think I need right now.

I have to wonder if much of this is part of my own doing.

Perhaps? But be careful where this thought can lead, especially when you are low on energy.....

Whether this is a result of my own efforts or not, I can and I think am learning and growing from it. I do wonder if this is the General Law coming down on my organization; I was trying to make a way for a basic healthy environment without going into the esoteric. Perhaps I stepped over the line. All the work thats being done now and in the past may not bring real results if new people are hired who bring about more of the same. Since the hiring is mainly being done by those outside of the situation with little awareness of the underlying dynamics it could very well be more of the same.

I find my life use to do that before finding sott. I 'deal' with an issue, and then everything would be smooth...then things would go bad and build up inside until I came to another breaking point....and 'dealt' with another (or the same!) issue....
I've learnt to recognise this as a healing process and not something to be rejected (Which I was doing). Using the analogy of a wound, any toxins need to come to the surface to be expelled. When it comes to the mind an emotions however, the expelled is not so simple.
Expand that to a group situation, and you could say you have many wounded I's, some who want health and to be healed, some who don't, some who are pathological all mixing in a collective mind.
Some of the more rigid I's couldn't adjust to the knew was of collective thinking, some gravitated towards it, and some played along whilst subtly manipulating things in the background. Some are ready for a change, some are not, and some can't change there nature.

One key element the analogy lacks however is that this collective mind is made of individuals, sometimes it is a collective, sometimes its not. And as there individuals, free will in respect to any change comes into play (given the constraints of a care environment).

I think you hit the nail on the head here. I've been thinking quite a bit how this is similar to a body going through detox. The director was wanting to create a healthy atmosphere and I think we were all doing something. Now that she's gone I'm not sure what direction we will go.

Just a thought, but, how honest and communicative are the staff with the boys? How old are the boys? Maybe the teens could make it easier on you if you had a talk with them about the staffing "toxicity" and your feelings and the problems? Maybe they do not need you to keep them safe - they are more than likely very capable and could be willing to help you to the best of their ability if they were privy to your troubles?

I think the staff could be more honest and communicative with the boys. There is an urge in most to present a flawless exterior which I don't think is helpful in teaching the boys how to recognize and resolve their own issues. This is an ongoing process. The boys are ages 12-15. The now acting director is primarily authority based which at times can keep the boys 'inline' and away from 'losing the house', however it does not allow for growth or development. I don't think sharing much of what is going on with all of the boys would be helpful as some will likely use it to further the crisis. However, on an individual basis I've tried this in small portions and will try to continue in this direction where I think I can. It's a pretty sensitive area, particularly because many have already had to take on the stresses of their home environments. So I guess it's a difference between placing a burden on them versus honestly sharing who we are and exploring ways to problem solve.

Most of the boys we get come from abusive environment and so much of their development has been stunted at early ages. They've had to take on responsibilities that are above their development level (learning to support themselves and family members without really knowing how for example) and so it's like they've plugged into a high voltage socket and have had some fuses blown. Part of the work done at the shelter is to make an environment where they can be kids again so those fuses can be repaired. However, they're often rather attached to what they know, so teaching them how to process frustrations, anger, resentment, etc. is a big part of the work there. If this is not done with understanding it easily becomes an authoritative atmosphere, i.e. 'do what I say', 'because I said so', 'don't question me'. So, I think it's 'processing' that is essential in creating a safe environment and it's a rare quality to come by. Much of it is just listening and creating a environment where they feel safe in releasing their feelings. Thats primarily what I mean by keeping them safe. When this isn't done it does make for a very unsafe place because they most often haven't been taught healthy tools to deal with what they're going through.

Hey Los, with a seriously stressed environment like that your body will deplete itself of essential minerals and vitamins much faster then normal.

Thanks autobot. I've been neglecting my health for the past couple of weeks. In the weeks prior I was doing the anti-candida diet that Laura outlined in the diet forum. That probably helped sustain some energy that I needed recently, however, I went off of it because I didn't have the energy to pursue it. Today I did the morning shake and I needed a little push to do so. Thanks.

And thanks again to everyone for their input.

 

[webglider]

Much of it is just listening and creating a environment where they feel safe in releasing their feelings. That's primarily what I mean by keeping them safe. When this isn't done it does make for a very unsafe place because they most often haven't been taught healthy tools to deal with what they're going through.

I totally agree. I'm tutoring in a school I used to work in as a teacher, and now I work with students individually or in small groups. All the students are at risk of not graduating in June because they have failed subjects. My job is to help them complete projects that will enable them to graduate.

Some of the students I work with now are students who were in my class when I was a teacher, but the relationship has totally changed now that we are interacting on a one to one level. I'm in a position to actually listen to them.

One issue that has come up revolves around the rule that all students remove hats before entering the library. The librarian seems to suffer from Obsessive Compulsion Disorder and is an unyielding enforcer of the rules. When a student enters the library wearing a hat, he/she is firmly asked to remove the hat. Most do, but of course others don't. At that point the librarian follows them, calls security, guidance, parents, and demands that I talk to them about this matter.

In our discussions, the students reveal that they didn't remove their hats because she is a - and they use a word I can't use here. I suggested that they pick their battles, but they insist that they won't comply because of the way in which the librarian speaks to them. The librarian will then call the parent, and have the parent speak to the child in the library.

One girl came back after one such library parent - child conversation, and said, "Why do parents always believe the school What does that (word I can't write here to describe librarian) think? Does she think that I'm a little kid who follows everything my mother tells me to do?

I went back to the old tired "Pick you battles routine", but she wasn't having it.

Finally, I said, "Okay, Ill tell you the real reason why Ms. X insists on students removing their hats. It's because there is large gang presence in the school, and we don't want gangs members identifying members of rival gangs by their hats."

"Yes, Miss, but is this a gang hat?" and she pointed to her hat which was most definitely not a gang hat.
.

So I went back again to the "Pick your battles routine". I pointed out, reasonably I thought, that she was expending a lot of energy on this issue. Then I asked, "Why not just take off your hat?"

And the girl replied, "Why doesn't Ms. X ever say please?"

I had nothing to say to that - I didn't want to say that I agreed with her, but I nodded my head.

This past week there were no further incidents with the hat with this particular girl. Perhaps it was due to her talk with her mother, or her talk with me or a combination of the two, but there was no hat drama this week.

The drive to have a healthy and safe house in the midst of chaos has had a stabilizing affect for me, and it is one of the few things I feel is keeping me going and sane. If it is a program, it's one I think I need right now.

I agree. No one is safe if there is chaos. The "maintain order program" is very necessary in moments when institutions are in chaos because of the real threat of physical harm. Unfortunately, many institutions feel that they've accomplished their goals when order is restored and stop at that point.


The problem with" the maintain order at any cost program" is that sometimes it takes over in situations that are not appropriate. It's a survival technique that sometimes gets activated when there are no survival issues at stake.

I've been in really volatile school situations, and they incredibly stressful. I've had to leave several just to preserve my sanity. You're doing amazing work in extremely difficult circumstances. I hope for the kids' sake that you're able to prevail.

 

[T.C.]

Hi Los.

I'll give my opinion on what I can tell from the info you've given. I could be completely wrong and if so, I'm sure someone will point that out.

How much Work or study or contemplation have you done on the concept of boundaries?

You see, your job is one that is highly emotionally charged. To feel such a responsibility to boys so young must put a lot of pressure on you. But really, think about this carefully; what exactly IS your real responsibility towards the residents and staff where you work?

Yes, it's a valiant job you're doing, but in reality - and this may sound harsh - it's just a job.

You're not superman/woman, and each person in that house, resident or carer, has got their own lesson profile, their own karmic purpose for being there.

It seems to me that you are trying to determine other peoples lessons; you seem to be making lots of judgements and assumptions as to what's best for all, when really, you can only determine what's best for you, and in my opinion, you're not really acting in ways that are best for you.

Few ideas actually worked out, however people were putting in effort to make healthy relationships and that effort was really what was needed more than anything else.

Here's a clue that your judgements aren't having a beneficial effect.

The drive to have a healthy and safe house in the midst of chaos has had a stabilizing affect for me, and it is one of the few things I feel is keeping me going and sane. If it is a program, it's one I think I need right now.

Here's a clue that your judgements are based on what you determine as being best for yourself.

All the work that's being done now and in the past may not bring real results if new people are hired who bring about more of the same. Since the hiring is mainly being done by those outside of the situation with little awareness of the underlying dynamics it could very well be more of the same.

Here's where I get the impression you need to think about boundaries.

What would happen if instead of going into work and thinking about how you can change things and make things better, how you can manipulate the situation to meet your beliefs of what should be, you went into work looking at it as a source of income to help you further your personal work, with a complete commitment to being externally considerate. You weighed each situation looking at it as it is, and then gave each thing it's due and put it in its rightful place; understanding that the universe is perfect the way it is and that both good and bad exist for the purpose of teaching souls the lessons they need. When you leave to go home, you leave all the problems behind at the house instead of taking them home with you.

If then, as you worked in this way, you found that the house isn't the type of environment which you want to work in because it's a pit of negativity which it isn't your duty to "fix", and in trying to work there, you're banging your head against a brick wall, then maybe you'd want to look into doing something different. Remember:

God commands the person who has this unveiling to "give each thing its due" in its form, just as God "gave each thing its creation in its form." Then no claim will be directed against him by any created thing, just as no claim is directed against the All by any created thing. This is the benefit of this unveiling.

What does this mean in practical terms? It means that in every event and relationship of our lives, regardless of our subjective likes or dislikes, we are to learn to perform that which is "felicitous," or objective, and to avoid performing that which is "forbidden," or subjective.

Our minds, enveloped in the "veils of the secondary causes," or the "material reality," often do not know the root of a thing. On the contrary, our reason often tells us that the thing is the substance itself. If we encounter something that is beautiful and pleasant to the senses, we may mistakenly think that it is beautiful and pleasant at its root. An example is the contrast between rich, fattening desserts as opposed to healthful, nutritious vegetables. The same rules apply to events and relationships in our lives. Affairs and personalities interpenetrate and mix and mingle so that it is difficult to separate them in terms of our perceptions and the roots. But that is our task.

Our task is to determine the properties of everyone and everything we experience, to see the "lights of unseen things," the "light of knowledge which dispels the darkness of ignorance from the soul.

Again, we need to ask the question: what are these "simple karmic understandings?" What does it mean to "give each thing its due?"

Whithersoever you turn; there is the face of God.

When I was seeing the darkness, the horror of the reality in which we live, I was seeing a Face of God.

In Arabic, the "face" of something signifies its essence or reality. To say that God turns His face toward someone means that He manifests His reality to that person through self-disclosure. If the only Face of God you CHOOSE to see, is the "Good and Loving" face - then the other will manifest in your life in other ways. It is a little like being "in love" with someone who has certain characteristics that you decide to try to change, or to "put up with" (often by changing some essential thing about yourself). You don't REALLY LOVE THAT PERSON AS HE/SHE IS. And the same is true of our "Love of God." How can we possibly LOVE Him, if we deny fully HALF of His being? If we set ourselves up as judge and jury as to what part of the universe, what part of existence, what part of GOD, is acceptable and "okay?" [...]


To live in a condition where one denies the right of the so-called "base character traits" to exist, to consider them an "error" or a "rebellion," a "Satanic delusion," is to deny fully half of existence, fully half of God - to reject Him, to NOT love him; to love only those parts that the limited human mind consider to be "acceptable" and to "hate" those parts that are not "pleasant" and desirable to fleshly comfort [...] To love objectively, all that IS, unconditionally, both the light and the darkness, and to NEVER interfere with the Free Will of another to choose to do or be as they see fit is one of the keys; one of the "simple understandings."

Of course, at the same time, it is to refuse to have one's own Free Will violated. You don't have to act "against" another, you merely act "for your own destiny" in such cases.

 

[webglider]

How much Work or study or contemplation have you done on the concept of boundaries?

You see, your job is one that is highly emotionally charged. To feel such a responsibility to boys so young must put a lot of pressure on you. But really, think about this carefully; what exactly IS your real responsibility towards the residents and staff where you work?

Yes, it's a valiant job you're doing, but in reality - and this may sound harsh - it's just a job.

No, T.C., working with kids is not "just a job". It's really important work that involves a high level of committment. The real responsibility of anyone working with kids is to set and maintain boundaries which can be a herculean task which demands a high level of intentional suffering. Often, high risk kids don't have boundaries which is one of the reasons that they are high risk. High risk kids often don't have many people in their lives who will listen to them. They may never have been exposed to an orderly environment which maintains routines and follows rules.

I can not quite follow your reasoning here:

Few ideas actually worked out, however people were putting in effort to make healthy relationships and that effort was really what was needed more than anything else.


The drive to have a healthy and safe house in the midst of chaos has had a stabilizing affect for me, and it is one of the few things I feel is keeping me going and sane. If it is a program, it's one I think I need right now.

Here's a clue that your judgements are based on what you determine as being best for yourself.

You use this quote to provide evidence that Los's thinking is STS - that she is only thinking about herself. I see it as an example of intentional suffering in service of an Aim.

Perhaps your post reveals more about issues that you have about commitment than about issues Los has with boundaries.
Look at your last quote from the Band thread:

[bI

made the decision to quit the band. I told the guys and they were a bit shocked, but I just told them I wasn't enjoying it any more and didn't want to carry on if my heart wasn't in it, and it wouldn't be fair on them to do that either.

Notice how many times you consider only yourself? Is it really fair to say that, "..it wouldn't be fair on them to do that either" if you hadn't gone to the trouble of asking them? You presented your decision as a fait accompli without giving the other members of the band the opportunity to discuss the matter with you. You weren't externally considering them at all.

It seems, T.C. that you couldn't bring yourself to have that discussion, and so you just left. That may be all right when dealing with adults, (I don't think it is), but it certainly isn't when working with kids.

Yes, one day Los may have to leave. The situation sounds grim. But it seems that he/she won't until he/she tries everything to make things right for the children in her care.

I didn't voice my concerns because I didn't want them to change just to make me happy or keep hold of me.There were good things about the interaction, but it wasn't going anywhere and there were dynamics which I could just feel weren't right and I'm going to go with my instincts.

Working with high risk kids is not just a job, and I doubt that for the members of your group who had been playing together for years it may not have been just a job for them either.

 

[anart]

No, T.C., working with kids is not "just a job".  It's really important work that involves a high level of committment.  The real responsibility of anyone working with kids is to set and maintain boundaries which can be a herculean task which demands a high level of intentional suffering.  Often, high risk kids don't have boundaries which is one of the reasons that they are high risk.  High risk kids often don't have many people in their lives who will listen to them.  They may never have been exposed to an orderly environment which maintains routines and follows rules.

Hi webglider, it certainly seems like this issue has triggered some emotional identification and programs on your part.  Your reaction is quite emotionally charged and rather disproportionate to the situation.

I think the crux of TC's point is that Los is identified with his job - he has lost some ability to be objective due to identification and if he could control this identification (which is almost always emotionally based, as is yours) then he might not only be able to be more effective, but make things easier on himself as well.  If one allows oneself to be 'eaten up' by such a situation then one can help no one - and identification blurs lines and situations, resulting in being lost in a fog; in taking things that are not 'real' as Real.   Los needs some clarity and some perspective; he's a smart guy, so I'm sure he'll figure it out. It's not about not caring, it's about not identifying - a very important difference.

It might be helpful for you to look into why you reacted so emotionally to TC's post - almost as if it threatened you personally - what program got triggered?

 

[webglider]

It's not about not caring, it's about not identifying - a very important difference.

I agree, it is a very important difference. I also agree that one can not do this job if one is overly identified with it. However, this is very hard to do in such circumstances which draw heavily on the emotional center. This is why people who work with kids often "burn out".

It might be helpful for you to look into why you reacted so emotionally to TC's post - almost as if it threatened you personally - what program got triggered?
Posted on: Today at 02:11:38 AMPosted

Ever since The No Child Left Behind Act, (even before), people who do not work with kids have been allowed to set policy based on the business model - and look where ithat has gotten us.i The assumption behind doing this is that kids are a "product" and that given the right methods, (all based on focusing on the intellectual center to the exclusion of all else) and applying them, teachers will obtain the results that meet standards. Of course all of this is to train kids to work in low level jobs that don't require creativity, emotion, or even the ability to relate to other human beings.

The word "job" has the above connotation for me. I have seen my colleagues struggle with trying to perform an impossible task under increasingly difficult conditons for people who don't have the slightest idea about how teaching a classroom of students differs from running a product along an assembly line.

It's like everything else in this ponorized society: people who know nothing are put in charge, and those who do are marginalized and expendable. When people say that "...it's just a job", it sounds to me as though a job is separate one's from real life, as though it doesn't matter. I do agree though that in such situations it is really important to step back and observe oneself, not to identify with outcomes, and sometimes to try to stay in the present. And sometimes, for self-preservation, it is necessary to leave.

It just hit me: At six I was sent to a Home for asthmatic childrenfor two years. I hardly remember anything about the housemothers - some were okay and some were really awful. I never felt anyone there really cared.

One day there was an announcement at breakfast in the dining room that one of my friends had died. I had just played with him the day before and the whole experience came as a huge shock to me. I was terrified of death. Every night I would walk through the corridor that separated the dormitory from the the housemother's room. It was her time off. She didn't want anything to do with me and sent me back to bed. This happened over a long period of time. I was terrified of dying. But her work was just a job to her. Los' kids are lucky, at least for as long as he stays.

 

[RedFox]

Blimey webglider, that sounds pretty painful! Seems everyone goes through something similar to this, I'm reminded of Myth of Sanity.

I've been thinking about how to clarify the idea of caring for others that can be destructive, which reminded me of 'giving until it hurts'

http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/realitysplit.htm

The problem seems to be that there is a serious lack of understanding of the true nature of Free Will, as well as the most fundamental nature of STS - that is, to use others to serve self. As we have been pointing out here on our site, the reason for this is what we are calling Cosmic COINTELPRO. This lack of understanding is due to millennia of propaganda. That is why, as we have learned, no progress can be made until an individual has reached that point of bankruptcy in terms of what he accepts as real or true in this reality. As a couple of the Quantum School Teachers wrote,

AXJ & HS: People are unconsciously led to believe a distorted view of the world, and they are not noticing that such a manipulation is happening. The reason why this is unnoticed is because, if this manipulation is noticed, it is no longer as effective as before. Unnoticed manipulations are for example the *basic unquestioned premises*, which "everyone knows" and which go unquestioned. For example a basic premise is that "unconditional love" has been touted so much with the "conventional understanding" that it means to give love in the sense of "turn the other cheek," or "give until it hurts," "love them no matter what they do," and also in the sense of an "outpouring of energy," that what seems to be so is that this is a clever deception designed to obtain energy in the STS manner: giving love with the intent that it will change something, i.e. STS.

The problem (as always) is with the understanding of the term love. People interpret it as a command, an obligation to give all regardless. It is the concept of love without knowledge that ensnares people into a manipulative feeding dynamic. However if we understand that to love is to know and vice versa, then unconditional love becomes unconditional knowledge also, knowledge without conditions is objective knowledge, which will allow us to see the manipulation inherent in the idea of "turn the other cheek".

This type of manipulation shapes the way people perceive the world. It is very powerful. After a certain threshold is reached, the manipulatively distorted worldview becomes self-sustaining. That is, people start to impose this 'way of thinking' upon each other, and most importantly upon their children. This is how the system is sustained, I think.

Since everyone is ill with the same mental disease, it becomes "normal" to have the disease. And since there is no reference point of how it is without the disease, hardly anyone tries or even realises that it is possible to heal it.

Having (metaphorically and almost literally) bled myself dry for the name of 'love' and marted myself in the name of 'caring for/helping (rescue) others', I know how hard it is to walk the line. What helped me to start to heal this was that I had to care for myself (when I realised no one else could do it for me), and if that meant I didn't have enough energy left over to care for someone else, then I had to politely decline (presuming it was a request for help!). Sometimes taking a step back can save your life.