Reflections on a life of high strangeness

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
What strikes me, reading your story, is perhaps there is a real commonality in human experience. We all have to learn and decide to ‘become’ someone of our choosing with different weights of each challenge to our becoming. The journey is fraught, but is shared.

I often still struggle with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that is guilt and shame from how I have been or behaved in the past. I am working hard at becoming a proper person, someone I can respect that does useful things in this world. I’m doing pretty good these days, I think. I’ve just made myself cry...interesting

Ah, Bless your honesty!:flowers: There is a common bond in the human experience. Unfortunately as a society we have a tendency to not want to "go there" when it comes to mental illnesses, particularly schizophrenia. It's amazing to realise that most people have a kind of caricature of a crazy person in mind when they think about this illness, which leads them to shun the people who suffer from this, as if it's some contagious disease. If I have ever mentioned my illness in social chat, it's always a conversation stopper. I don't mention it anymore, I've learned that it is best to keep it as part of my strategic enclosure. Actually, what's really crazy is just dumping all your personal baggage onto another person, that can never end well. I just diligently work on myself in thought, reading, writing, and just general communication. I too was very introverted for a while, and thankfully getting older and more experienced in life helped me immeasurably. I've learned that we are all very different in how we process ideas and understand things.

I think sharing your story, and perhaps for most of us, doing an exercise similar to the one you did is a good illustration of what JBP once said about not comparing ourselves to someone else, but to who we were yesterday.

Yes, I completely agree. I was doing a form of "past history authoring" before I'd even heard of Jordan Peterson. I even had a similar method, such as dividing your past into epochs, so you could look into your personal history in digestible chunks. I love the guy myself. He is brave enough to think on his feet, you can see him wrestling with ideas as he speaks in interviews he's given. That's how I do it too. I can't just think things through however, I'm not intelligent enough to do that. I have to talk and write (particularly this) to get the cogs turning, and this is how I learn mostly. I used to compare myself to others, and yes I felt jealousy on many occasions. Eventually I learned that I can only be me, and my work is to get that little me running at full strength, full capacity. Self-pity is largely speaking a kind of narcissistic withdrawal, and is a sign of a person who is resisting change and hard work. The worst thing is that it compounds one's problems, so it becomes a negative feedback loop, and you never get anywhere that way.
 

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
There's also this H&W show: The Health & Wellness Show: Interview With Dr. Valdeane Brown - Nonlinear Dynamic Thinking With NeurOptimal Neurofeedback

Once you're ready and interested, and you try it out with a trainer who can hook you up and guide you through it, I'd be interested to read your experience! The number and frequency of sessions needed probably varies per individual and the state they're (currently) in, but I'd just see how you feel with the first one and keep at it if you're doing alright with the first one. Perhaps tell the trainer about your diagnosis and how you're doing, so they can keep an extra eye.

I read this transcript last night and it was a fascinating read. However I don't think I really understood how the process works, that's just probably me struggling to understand a new frontier. I'm going to read the thread on the subject and hopefully I won't have to occupy other's time too much in doing so. As a person who has suffered anxiety attacks also, I was very pleased to read of people who have found help in this process. I don't want to have to live life constantly wary of well-worn brain reflexes manifesting in my day-to-day life. It's funny, but there was a period in my life (2004-14) when my anxiety got the better of me, and I had to go back to basics in my head again. I wrote a memo to myself, and it was quite simple; "Other people are not scary. You've dealt with far worse. At least you can understand them, and they are not attacking you in any way.". It sounds obvious when it's written down in plain language, but I really struggled with this for a number of years. Living on the edge of your nerves can become habitual unless your mindful of the processes involved. Relieving stress reactions was what provoked me eventually to respond to this. Obviously I had more pressing troubles at first, but eventually I found that I was coming back to normal life, piece by piece, step by step.

I am familiar with the concept of habitual brain responses and how this is how bad habits of thought can manifest. Here I can find a method of dealing with these well-worn grooves in the brain and perhaps even grow beyond these primitive processes. The brain is a constant source of awe for me. It's the interface between your soul and the external world. I've managed to overcome anxiety and the ensuing emotional reactions, and I did it purely by thinking things through in my mind. The next step is of particular interest; I've been through the struggle for my soul, now how to manifest in the world without pointless emotional problems and distractions affecting my day-to-day living. From what I've gathered from the reading NeurOptimal is a method to get your brain not wasting energy on old habits. This will be an interesting read. Thanks Oxajil, you've given me a new avenue to pursue in my work.:-)
 

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
Just a few additions to what I said above.

It's funny, but there was a period in my life (2004-14) when my anxiety got the better of me, and I had to go back to basics in my head again. I wrote a memo to myself, and it was quite simple; "Other people are not scary. You've dealt with far worse. At least you can understand them, and they are not attacking you in any way."

Obviously anxiety was all-consuming during this period. But the process was fairly straightforward once I found my wells of reserve. It did take a long time however. I'd read my journal entries, take them on-board, and then do the same usual habitual reflex stuff, again and again. Eventually I got frustrated and decided to take a different approach, which was "stop thinking about yourself, put your mind in the place of others".

I've managed to overcome anxiety and the ensuing emotional reactions, and I did it purely by thinking things through in my mind.
It wasn't specifically thinking, it was writing. Writing is generally how I think. My thinking merely drove me to put things down in a solid form.
 

tschai

Jedi Council Member
Following a brief exchange on the Richard Dolan thread, I decided I was going to archive my thoughts and journal musings on a 47 year journey through life, haunted by the paranormal. Now, first of all I must say this is going to be filtered slightly for pertinent information, but I will not be luridly putting my childhood on display. So just the factual info as I see it. I think I was about 43 when I finally overcame my inherent slowness of mind, when I realised that my entire life has been lived under a kind of shadow. Like I was being watched, stalked even. I was no-one special, but I was very sensitive as a kid, I remember that much. And I was also very lucky to have open-minded, liberal parents. By the age of 7 I was reading Hulk and Spiderman books, watching Hammer Horror films on late night tv, and generally just being very inquisitive. Home life was amazing, but I didn't like school much.

I provide these details just to provide you with a general backdrop, of how I was living as a cheeky young-un. Early in my life I already had experiences that were forgotten for many years, and then with my effort they were finally unearthed. Night terrors, really scary experiences late at night when all was quiet in the family home. It became a worrying pattern for a few years, and also I suffered from chronic nosebleeds as a kid too. I remember waking up screaming in the night calling for my Mother to save me from "them", who were "trying to get" me. I can recall this plain as day. This first manifested actually in 1979, so I would have been 3 or 4 at this time, before the comic books and horror films.

I was convinced some devil, some monster was trying to get me. I went through a period when I would dread going to bed at night, knowing what was coming once I fell asleep. Then, by about age 5, the night terrors ended, along with the nosebleeds, and I concentrated my mind on school, where I was struggling to fit in and blossom. Then life was fairly stable and unremarkable for a few years, until I saw a "ghost" in my Grandmother's house, would have been around 1983, so I would have been 8 or 9. It was a little white humanoid, about 4ft tall, scampering up the stairs to the attic in that old house my Gran had. It was startling, breathtaking, but I kept it to myself and told no-one that I had seen it. It was my secret, and I later in life drew pictures of my memories of the sighting. It was a very spooky moment. The way it moved was so unlike human movement, it kind of floated.

At the time, I was convinced I'd seen a ghost, but now looking back I have a different view. I had no alien reference point at that age, I knew about Dracula and Werewolves but not aliens.;-) Now, well I think I saw a 4d critter, of what description I cannot say. Undoubtedly it was a life-changing experience however! I was very proud of myself for a while back then, chuffed that I had found my first secret, and I guarded it well, never told a soul. Then the next phase of dreams came to spook me out. I kept dreaming that I was in this big, well-furnished mansion. I'd be idly walking down the corridors in my dream, before a man with no head would appear, dressed like a butler, calling out my name! My god I'd wake up scared out of my wits! I told my Dad that dream however. I think I would have been around the same time as the "ghost". My Dad, ever the pragmatist, called it a "Headless Spectre", and he told me it was nothing to worry about. That was a recurring dream for a while, and I was still happily enjoying my life otherwise, all comic books, horror and fantasy films, and early videogames. I really wasn't a troubled kid. but I was slowly gathering all these spooky experiences that I could not explain.

In the mid eighties I also developed a funny game, where I'd pretend to be a victim of an earthquake, and lie motionless under my duvet, pretending I was stuck under rubble. I recall doing this one Saturday morning in my bedroom, and I let my eyes de-focus, just stare out into the vanishing point. Then I saw it. The figure of a transparent humanoid, at least 6ft tall, walking through the window of my bedroom! I was speechless, and again I told no-one. What the hell was going on? Another unexplained slice of pure fried weirdness for my soul to contend with. I could not believe what I had seen. It only happened that once. I saw similar figures in future sightings, but never again as a kid.

By 1985-86, things changed considerably; I got into football and pop music, and became less ethereal than before, more casual, more worldly. I began to notice girls of course too. I was still an avid horror film fan however, that didn't leave me at any point. But all the spooky stuff I kinda put away in a secret place within, like my own little "Pandora's Box" of strange little oddities. Following my nervous breakdown in 2004, my journaling efforts brought these memories back to me. I had forgotten them for about 20 years! But yeah, real life took over for a few years then, when being outdoors with my buddies was the best thing to do if you wanted to have fun. Riding bikes, climbing trees (and stealing apples, lol), playing football, life was just great.:-) Those years in the mid 80's were just perfect, I have immense nostalgia for that period in my life. I looked forward to getting out of bed every day, not having a clue what sort of experience was on the horizon. I'm very thankful to my parents, they gave me structure but never condescended, I was given the freedom to grow, develop, blossom. In my journals the period 1983-1986 is noted as a particularly happy time. But more spookiness was lurking just on the horizon....

I think it would have been 1987, I was just getting used to life in High School, had been there about a year. Puberty had hit me in a very incongruous way. I was a titch, one of the smallest kids in school. But my voice had broken, so I actually had a fairly decent baritone on me, lol!:lol: It just made for an awkwardness that I struggled with till I was about 18. By this period in my life sci-fi had entered the picture. I saw "V", and absolutely loved it. I saw "Close Encounters" and was a bit confused by it, didn't really understand the film at that age. But I can still recall the breathtaking moment when the aliens were revealed. I thought that was an awesome way to end a film. So my subconscious was awash with influences by that age, and I was still absolutely fearless in watching any 18-cert film that interested me, and my parents said, "cool, we trust you". I love 'em, they've always respected my right to independence. so, anyway, that's the backdrop, now I'll head back into 1987, and very spooky experiences late at night once again.

I recall waking up from the weirdest dream experience I can ever recall having. I was lying naked on a white table in a sky blue dome, surrounded by 3 tall white humanoids with enormous heads, with no faces. Literally there was nothing there. I wasn't scared by them, but they weirded me out for obvious reasons. they were just facing me, I couldn't tell if they were staring at me because their faces were utterly blank. When I woke that morning I was in a kind of traumatised stupor. I just sat slumped in an armchair in my p-j's and robe, all messy hair and a messy mind. I said almost nothing to my family that day. I couldn't work out if it was real or not, that was the thing.:shock: Then I went down with glandular fever and missed about 2 weeks worth of school. To be honest I was happy for the break. I filed the experience away in my box, got back into playing videogames and forgot really, till my 2004 journal entries. How I managed to compartmentalise fascinating experiences into memory-holes and still lead a coherent outer life is something I marvel at. I must have great buffers is all I can say, because it wasn't too long before I had what was (to this point) the strangest experience of them all.

It was around the same time, maybe closer to the summer actually, so I think 1988 possibly. I can't be sure on this one, my memory of this is vague and my scribblings in journals don't make much sense. But it was a hot summer, and life was good. I loved videogames and was getting into hard rock music, like The Cult and Whitesnake and ZZ Top.:cool2: Lol, young and innocent days. I had a stereo where we could hook a tape recorder up to a record player, and my elder brother would record his fave tunes onto a cassette for me. Great stuff. Anyway, again no morbid doings, no mental problems, all was sweet. It was with this general backdrop that the summer unfolded. I used to think that this experience took place earlier in my life, but that's not the case. My journal's musing on this period becomes very abstract and messy and doesn't make much sense, so I'm kinda figuring this out as I think about it. I would have been 13.

Anyway I can recall this scene clear as day. I'm in my green p-j's, and have myself snugly sleeping under my blue duvet. Problem is, I'm not in bed, I'm in the ceiling talking to something in my mind which I cannot see.:whistle: Yep, this was my one and only Out of Body Experience folks. This experience blew my mind totally. How does an average working class kid living in the suburbs of Wales have this many bonko experiences? No-one I know in my life will dare admit to any such kind of thing! To them it is preposterous, and a sign of an ill-favoured mind.

I've got a USB stick that is solely devoted to my journalling. But this OOBE was the big one. I don't understand how that was possible, and I have no idea what I was communicating with, up by the ceiling. But I was struck by little me, sleeping soundly. what the occasion was, well one can only speculate. I wasn't ill, I know that much. Following this experience, again, I totally filed the memory into the box and forgot it until 2004, the year when everything exploded in my head and I went really nuts for years. I recapitulated too much in one go, and so was overwhelmed. Now, writing these experiences down one by one, I can at least study the pattern and attempt to make some effort at understanding just what I saw, and what took place. I still to this day marvel at this one. When I die, this is on my list of "I WANT TO KNOW...." questions for any higher density guide to answer, lol.:lol:

I hope this isn't too-long winded, but I've only got from 1974-88, I've got 88-22 still to go. This is a worthy little exercise for me, it allows me to take a bit of a step back and perceive the long game if there is one. High strangeness, ethereal weirdlings, ghosts, oobe's, dark dreams, we all have them it seems, maybe not each of us all anyway. There has to be a signal in the noise, some kind of pattern. Any way I'll follow up with 89-03 at a later point, I'll have to tax the old grey matter and locate my journal entries that cover this period.

Oh, and just in case anyone reads this and call BS on this, I swear to you on my life, all of what I commit to print on this thread is genuine, it happened. I haven't even got to the maddest ones yet, they're still to come, during a period in my life where I got too reckless, and pride came before a fall. I needed humbling, and it duly happened. John Keel was right, we are haunted, and the cosmic trickster has very cunning plans that need to be considered and understood, so we can still function and prosper as sovereign beings. It is with this latter point in mind that I sign off for now, it's been an interesting little exercise laying this all out chronologically. The next period 89-03 is pretty good because the patterns become clearer as do some of the causative factors. Thank you for reading my absurdly unusual story.
It doesn’t disappoint- keep it coming! It’s like a cliff hanger, can’t wait for the next installment. I have had some similar experiences, so I know where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing!
 

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
It doesn’t disappoint- keep it coming! It’s like a cliff hanger, can’t wait for the next installment. I have had some similar experiences, so I know where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing!

Thanks tschai, I'm pleased to hear a positive response to my recollections (and I appreciated all of the feedback I've received on this thread). However, touch wood, I won't be adding any further instalments. I've covered my journal from 1974-2022 and that's all I can substantively offer on the subject. There are a lot of pieces of info from 2004-14 that I could include, but it's just more of the same, so I cut things short for brevity. Nothing "out of this world" though. The period when I got attacks from voices whenever I smoked cigarettes was perhaps worthy of note also. I may write a little about that. Thanks for reading, and I'd like to read any of your recollections too.
 

tschai

Jedi Council Member
Thanks tschai, I'm pleased to hear a positive response to my recollections (and I appreciated all of the feedback I've received on this thread). However, touch wood, I won't be adding any further instalments. I've covered my journal from 1974-2022 and that's all I can substantively offer on the subject. There are a lot of pieces of info from 2004-14 that I could include, but it's just more of the same, so I cut things short for brevity. Nothing "out of this world" though. The period when I got attacks from voices whenever I smoked cigarettes was perhaps worthy of note also. I may write a little about that. Thanks for reading, and I'd like to read any of your recollections too.
No worries, it was an interesting read. The bits about the night terrors struck home-when I was little, my mother told me I used to wake up screaming and staring off into space. I always wondered what could possibly have been going on with that. Never did find out.
Also dreams about people getting out of coffins and coming after me- I was way too young to know what that was all about.
I had a close encounter with what appeared to be a silvery white disc around 1964-65 I would have been 11-12 years old. There was a thunderstorm approaching and my friend and I were talking- and the thing appeared out of nowhere. It was hovering about 10-15 feet off the ground, and was wobbling like it’s gyroscope was awry. It then began swaying back and forth, and slowly settled to the ground- we couldn’t believe it!
We ran fast as we could to where we were sure it went down- only to find nothing there! My dad, mom also saw it, so I know it was real.
We speculated the thunderstorm somehow affected it’s stabilizing mechanism ( hey we were kids, sounded plausible) and it was a surveillance craft, it was only about 10’-0” in diameter, too small to be manned- unless it was like the Tardis- bigger on the inside than out.
There have been a couple other weird things, but that one has stuck with me until this very day.
I was first exposed to the UFO phenomenon when I was little- my mom showed me a picture in a newspaper and I was fascinated-and have been ever since.
 

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
I had a close encounter with what appeared to be a silvery white disc around 1964-65 I would have been 11-12 years old. There was a thunderstorm approaching and my friend and I were talking- and the thing appeared out of nowhere. It was hovering about 10-15 feet off the ground, and was wobbling like it’s gyroscope was awry. It then began swaying back and forth, and slowly settled to the ground- we couldn’t believe it!

A close encounter is a game-changer in terms of knowledge and being I think. Seeing is truly believing, no systematic reasoning required. It completely transforms how you view and interact with reality. 2004-06 I saw very strange phenomena, it threatened to completely derail my life at that point. I dealt with it by holding down a very busy job, and writing, a lot of writing, which has always been my refuge. I also did a bit of painting and drawing, which helped to ground me too. Truly I would LOVE to know how much craft tech, info etc. the secret government/consortium have, it grinds my gears whenever I'm listening to Rich Dolan. According to the info from the Wilson memo leak, progress has been "slow, with a painful lack of collaboration from the wider public". That's a direct quote from an insider. They want disclosure, but they want to be able to control just how much has been revealed, for obvious reasons. And they want to cover their asses, because they've been lying by omission for 70 years or so.

Personally, I think with the gradual onset of the Wave, well, we've probably not seen the end of high strangeness that's for sure. Bring it on I say, I have no fear of the phenomenon, so I feel ready to deal with any future sightings.
 

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
I thought I'd add an update on my journal entries on this subject. I've had a decent time of it in recent months, and the knowledge of the "programming is complete" subject had kinda set my mind at ease. But I wanted to revisit one of my periods when I had smoking anxiety issues. I think this needs to be looked into, because it's a common phenomenon in my memory. During the period 2010-11 this was a problem for me I was suffering stress in the workplace, and was feeling tense a lot of the time, hence was taking more smoking breaks at work. At this point I wasn't acknowledging my schizophrenia, but smoking was my instant fix to stress problems. I started hallucinating when out in the work yard smoking. For a couple of months this happened. I saw the little white figures that have been a constant in my life, and big spiders too. As big as cars they were. They didn't attack me though, and this amazingly relaxed me. By this point I'd seen various weird things since 1987, so my mind could handle things if they weren't trying to attack me.

Anyway, the reason this emerged in my recall today is because the spider hallucinations returned this last weekend. I think they manifest if I smoke too much, as if trying to warn me. They don't attack me, they just hover around me. At first I was really intimidated, but I've faced death a few times and this time I just didn't feel that level of fear. My suspicion is that I have a place in their dimension and they were warning me about my smoke rate. I know it sounds crazy but I read in the C's transcripts that we are each of us monsters in alternate dimensions. I think they only intrude into our reality when they feel threatened. As STS entities we probably have manifestations of ourselves that we need to come to terms with. Passions, appetites, desires, it's a phenomenon difficult to fathom. But we can deal with our passions and appetites here, at the great STS aggregate point. All soul fragments are designed to accumulate here, with us as the aggregate points. Anyway, I've taken the decision to smoke less and not disturb the ether too much. I know that I will have to face these visitations again at some point, it must be why they are revealing themselves to me, unless I'm totally crazy. Facing your shadow has never felt so real.

At the moment I'm preparing myself for what I'm going to see next, it would be so good to face a positive 4d visage, but maybe I'm just not doing enough to break the veil. Meh, I'll just go on as normal though; just reading, writing, drawing, and listening to podcasts. I don't fear 4d STS any more. I've seen enough of them, they're no scarier than HIV or cancer, it's just dealing with what they look like. Once you've acclimatised to the 4d manifestations, they lose their power. As humans, we don't know how strong we are, our developmental potential is limitless. But it all comes down to a basic foundation of karmic understandings. From there we can develop beyond our wildest dreams. Just keep plenty of food in the fridge, lol. And plenty of water!
 

SlipNet

Dagobah Resident
At the moment I'm preparing myself for what I'm going to see next, it would be so good to face a positive 4d visage, but maybe I'm just not doing enough to break the veil.

This is a really fun update for me to report. I have started seeing a creature in the corner of my vision in the last few weeks. Not the little white figures, nor any big spiders. Instead I've been catching sight of my old dog from the 90's, a Yorkie called Dinky. He's been on my mind of late as I have been dealing with my memories. He was a lovely dog and passed to 5d in 2002. Very intelligent dog, he knew words very well, and his behaviour was impeccable. Anyway I recall praying to DCM about a month back with a prayer included for Dinky, and lo and behold I've started seeing him out of the corner of my eye. I don't know what this means but it's lovely to see something positive for once. It's the first time my schizophrenia has offered a positive vision in 18 years, so I am grateful for this small mercy.

I hope that my wee doggie has decided to become a 5d ally, or guard dog. I truly hope this particular vision continues, he was my one and only dog and I love him dearly. I am also not even cutting back on my smoking. I smoke about 20 a day, don't really know if that's too much. I tried cutting back and it just didn't work out. I smoke whenever I like, luckily my home is very smoker-friendly. Anyway, it's been a most welcome contrast with how my schizophrenia has typically manifested. :-)
 
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