Accept no excuses. Don't buy into any of the many reasons (rationalisations) someone may offer for aggressive, covertly aggressive behaviour, or any other inappropriate behaviour. If someone's behaviour is wrong or harmful, the rationale they offer is totally irrelevant. The ends never justify the means. So, no matter how much an "explanation" for a problem behaviour seems to make sense, don't accept it. Remember that the person offering an excuse is trying to maintain a position from which they should be backing away (...)
Judge actions not intentions. Never try to "mind-read" or second-guess why somebody is doing something, especially when they are doing something hurtful. There is no way for you to really know, and in the end, it's irrelelevant. Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressor's mind is a good way to get sidetracked from the really pertinent issue. Judge the behaviour itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue. (...)
Make direct requests. When asking for things, be clear about what you want. Use "I" statements. Avoid generalities. (...) Making requests direct and specific has two payoffs. First, it gives the manipulator little room to distory (or claim they misunderstood) what you want or expect from them. Second, if you don't get a direct, reasonable response to a direct, reasonable request, you already know that the manipulator is fighting with you (...)
Accept only direct responses. Once you've made a clear, direct request, insist on a clear, direct answer. Whenever you don't get one, ask again. Don't do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed. (...)
Stay focussed in the here and now. Focus on the issues at hand. Your manipulator will probably try to throw you off track with diversionary and evasion tactics. Don't let these tactics steer you away from the problem behaviour you're trying to confront. (...)
When confronting aggressive behaviour, keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor. This may be the most important thing to remember, If you're confronting an aggressor about some inappropriate behaviour, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what tactics they might use to shift the ball back into your court. Don't accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility. Keep asking what they will do to correct their behaviour. Ignore whatever rationalisations they might make and don't let them sidestep the issue. (...)
When you confront, avoid sarcasm, hostility, and put-downs. Aggressive personalities are always looking for an excuse to go to war. So they will construe any sort of hostility as an "attack" and feel justified in launching an offensive. Besides, attacking their character "invites" them to use their favourite offensive tactics such as denial, selective inattention or blaming others. Don't back away from necessary confrontation, but be sure to confront in a manner that is up-front, yet non-aggressive. Focus only on the inappropriate behaviour of the aggressor. (...)
Be prepared for consequences. Always remain aware of the covert-aggresive's determination to be the victor. This means that, if for any reason, they feel defeated, they're likely to try anything in order to regain the upper hand, and a sense of vindication. It's important to be prepared for this possibility and to take appropriate action to protect yourself. (...)
Be honest with yourself. Know and "own" your own agendas. Be sure of what your real needs and desires in any situation are. Its bad enough that you can never be sure what a manipulator is up to. But decieving yourself about your own needs can really put yourself in double jeopardy. (...)
