Piotr
Padawan Learner
I am sharing my story with you because I think I should do it a long time ago and give back “myself” in thanks for what I received from you.
I’d like to show you who I am and how I got where I am today, what is my experience with working on myself, my understanding of the work, my observations of some of the events in my life and some thoughts. And I think it will be a great exercise of recapitulation to go through.
(Note after finishing it: I can say now I need it to go through my life and some events, starting even from an early age. It helps to open the luggage you drag behind you).
Let me go back as far as to my childhood because I think it is relevant to have that picture in mind when comparing to what came after and to have a better perspective. I come from a small town in Poland. Not much is happening there. As for the early age one major factor that might be relevant to know is that my parents divorced when I was 3 years old but I have almost no memory of it beside a moments when my biological father was later on picking me and my one year younger brother from my mom’s house. This event had more impact rather later on of not having a active male force because my step father was rather withdrawn and I think he was restraining himself to react or act when it was needed.
I couldn’t wait to start the primary school. I liked learning. Not that I didn’t struggle whit it but it was so much fun when I was succeeding and my mom encouragement and help played a role. She thought me to be ambitious and strive to be good in everything what I was doing back then and don’t give up so fast, especially in kindergarten and primary school. It’s hard for me to remember now how much of my motivation was my inner drive and how much came from a desire to make my mom proud. I’m mentioning this because I was struggling years later with finding a reason to go forward and few times I was pondering through my past to look for a reason of my failure (or one of them). I will come back to this. Overall in primary school I was doing great. I couldn’t wait to start history classes in 4 grade wishfully thinking it will be all about dinosaurs :) When new subjects appeared I was doing better and better with everything: math, science, humanities, painting, sports. Learning was so much fun and it was coming easy for me. I didn’t have to memorize much. I remember well that all I did was focusing on lessons and it seems like I just understood what was said and after I could easily produce what was expected from me. I had great imagination so writing wasn’t a problem though I often was picking an “open” topics on humanities lessons because it was easy to come up with for example “alternative” ending for the book or continue the story of the book etc. (and because I didn’t read all the books).
I think I was lucky to be in that school and not other. Teachers where great and nice most of the time :). School was small so you had this feeling of community rather than a rat race. In retrospection I think I somehow “coast through” that period in a way because it seems a bit like I was always relying on my ability to focus, understand, “digest” and reproduce and not memorizing. I didn’t have much of a trouble of memorizing though but for me it looked like you were getting grades for how good your memory was and how much you were able to recite what you have learned the other day. I was doing it because I had to but didn’t like it. Though the more there was memorizing the more trouble I had to get better grades. Maybe I was too lazy to commit that much. I didn’t get the best diploma in last two grades of school, 7 and 8 grades so it’s the age of 13-14.. In terms of a socialization I was getting on well with a lot of my friends. I remember jumping from one to the other and getting interested in what they were doing, who they were, spending time with them, “infecting” with whatever they were interested in and just having fun. There were just few people I didn’t spend much time but I think it just came out like that, not that I didn’t like them. More arguments I had with the closest friends :).
So basically few times I was the best student in the school, winning prices, being the class president almost every time, being picked for many tasks as a representative and I liked it, my ego liked it I guess. Overall when I think of all of that it seems that big part in my motivation took the striving to make my mom happy and proud, getting pleasure out of making my teachers happy and to show off before them how good I am. So in retrospection even if it is hard to admit my motivations were egotistic. For the balance though I liked being liked but I think it was because I liked people around me. I liked there company, being creative in filling our time with games, sports etc. Recalling my feelings from that time I could describe it as “loving” being around my friends and sharing time with them. I wouldn’t say I was doing everything because I wanted to be “the popular” person. Partly yes, but not in every aspect. I also had those periods that sometimes I was everywhere outside with friends and then had those lonely times when I preferred to be on my own and I liked it. I could spend weeks in my stepfather’s mom house in the countryside just fishing all day. Or simply not going out and staying home and getting busy reading, painting or hanging out in the garden with parents.
I think I had the potential, maybe little overgrown picture of myself but I would say from my perspective I was a good boy, I wanted good for others and my mom thought me to be good fellow human being, as a good Christian should be. So weird mix of egoism whit selflessness. Emotionally I think I was developing well and mostly thanks to this school environment, teachers and my mom. When I was finishing school she had this great vision of me being a doctor. I could not imagine what I wanted to do or be. It seemed for me that I just didn’t know and was surprised such a thing was expected from children at my age. I was “blank” when thinking about it. I was doing good in everything so I guess going forward to a school where top students were going was the logical step, so I went as my mom suggested.
Let me now tell you about one of the most important event that happened at that time. In the last year of primary school, specifically the new years eve 1997/1998 I went to celebrate it to my and my brother’s a friend, Andrew. It was his class mate though I was hanging out with him more than my brother. His parents went somewhere so we had home for ourselves. Of course it wasn’t new year without the fireworks and firecrackers. Our friend had even a really big once, those that just explode and do a lot of noise. So much that you had to cover your ears and open mouth as his parents once advised when they fired them. We went outside when midnight was coming and were firing what we had. At one point our friend fired one of the big ones and toss it under our feet. He yelled to warn us, so we covered our years and moved back as much as we had time to do it. For me the bang was REALY loud and I knew something happened because I had this beeping sound in my right year and I felt the blow to much - in my ears and hands. I was shocked so I didn’t realize at that time what happened exactly. We went to his house to check. I had burned fingers a bit, was shaking and had this constant noise/beep in my year. The fun was over so we went back home not pondering much what happened exactly. I can’t remember when I actually realized what happened then. Maybe the day after, maybe few days. As it turned out at the SAME time when Andrew fired the big one I was holding a really small one preparing to throw it as well. When he yelled I covered my years and was already holding a burning firecracker... It was small but because it was so close to my ear it did some damage. My ear drum was damaged. Because of a fear from having the big firecracker almost right under our feet I forgot what I was holding and what I was doing. All I wanted to do is to protect myself from the bang. As laryngologist said it wasn’t that bad in his initial opinion and was having hope that the ear drum might grow back and recover. Just give it a time, he said. The noise was not going away at all and it didn’t, ever... I went back to school but it was hard with that lack of hearing in the right ear and the noise. After some months my mom decided to consult some other doctors and I had a surgery planned as it seemed to have to be done. The date was set a two or three weeks after I will start high school. It wasn’t that bad from my perspective. I was getting use to that noise. At least from physical point of view. I started high school with none of my friends I hang out with previously the most. I think I’ve gone to school 3 or 4 weeks and then went to hospital for about 2 weeks and at least two more I’ve spend at home as the recuperation period required.
When I came back to school I was behind whit the material and felt left a side by those friends I knew from primary school. The reality started to hitting me hard. I remember very well sitting in the kitchen trying to memories biology as best I could. I remember my surprise when I got the worst possible grade. I couldn’t believe. Even though I didn’t memorize everything word by word I could reproduce what I knew and understood and the rest came from my memory. It wasn’t enough. I was learning more after that but for me it was a horror show. So from best student I became an average, trying to hold on. I couldn’t get along with the class mates. During my absence it seemed like they get along already so it felt like I missed that window of opportunity. The climate of the school and the teachers were different then what I experienced. Less open, less friendly, more rigorous and willing to “ride over you” if they felt like when you were failing. First two years went by on the average in every aspect of school life, learning, social, sport. I moved a side so I was underperforming even in those areas where I could do better. My imprinted and I think partly inner drive and awareness I can do better and the contrast of how I was performing now and back then where another factor that just was plunging me even more into a kind of depressed state. I was not happy about myself. With every failure I was going down even more and my lack of hearing wasn’t helping at all. I knew I could do better but I wasn’t, so I felt worse and worse. I didn’t blame teachers, though I was let down by those friends that came whit me to that school. Actually they were big surprise and let down. I thought I knew them more or less. I would never thought they might behave like they were. So this added to a already worsening picture of my inner state. I wasn’t socially everywhere, liking all and being liked. I was moving more and more towards “the side” and at some point I preferred being there. I didn’t like this weird kind of “cock fight” tendency seeing amongst people around me, who is better in what, who is this or that, looks funny, underperforms, sticks out because of this or that feature or behavior or how good he is etc. Judgments I couldn’t handle. Sometimes complete lack of sympathy towards one another or some people was “repulsive”. Lack of understanding someone else’s point of view, feeling, situation. Making fun of people. It was like a black and white comparing previous environment from primary school and this one I found myself in. So my underperformance in learning, my somewhat disability because of that new years eve accident, eye-opening behavior of my friends from primary school and overall atmosphere objective and perceived by me were fueling the “darkness” in me.
Looking from the psychological perspective at the period of the primary school I would say I was lucky to be in it because it seems like it was a good environment for developing empathy towards one another. Being a good ground for developing and sustaining conscience, social bonds, empathy etc. A “fertile ground” for normal behavior - the understanding coming from the site of teachers and my parents. Thanks to that I could have the exterior comparison to the fallowing period of high school. Though that picture was not uplifting to say the least.
During that latter teenage time another thing happened. One of my old friends from primary school introduced me to a lan-gaming and took me to a local game club. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back of me trying to somewhat “stand straight on my legs” in my life. I got my “escape” rout, drug that “helped” me cope whit the reality. I loved video games before and could play some times hours but it was just one of many things I was doing. It didn’t devour me that much. This time the “soil” was “suitable” and the seed of addiction and escape had been planted. I found people not that competitive and without overgrown ego who loved just having time playing with each other and “socializing” this way. Somehow compensating the reality like I did as well as being between “normal” people and not being left aside. I started to leave school more and more. More or less at the same time my health deteriorated objectively but also I started to simulate sickness to miss school. I was getting sick more often. Turned out I developed an allergy where before I was a example of great health, taking part in track meets and being very good at it. My grandpa had a woodworking shop and I could spend hours helping him and not sneezing once. I guess junk food played its role. And even if I felt good in the club, forgetting all that was there in the high school, when I had to go back there each time I was stressed more and more. I knew I was doing wrong, letting down myself, my parents but I couldn’t overcome this. I was too far back whit everything; social life, learning and psychologically capable of overcoming that swamp. I was slowly drowning in it. It was so bad that at some point I was the top student with the most time off from the school. More people than before started to deride. I was laugh at even when I couldn’t attend school from objective reasons and had to leave and start half the way of class time, because I had that reputation fallowing me everywhere. So this was happening and at the same time with still my awareness that I was doing bad on every level and I knew I could do way better but I wasn’t able to. At times I was dissatisfied with myself. Where I was and what I was doing. Dogging school, taking responsibility, doing the right things, I was failing. And I could not help myself. Didn’t have the tools to pull myself out of it. I was blaming myself but at the same time putting a side those thoughts and going back to a “drug” of gaming. Important factor that added more stress to that factor was the way my parents tried to fix the situation. Even though they meant good it had opposite effect. They were telling me how I will end up if I will be doing what I am doing. Trying to put me down in attempt to get the effect which in their perspective will lift me up by realizing how bad I am behaving leaving school etc. The thing is, I knew that... And because of that attitude I was going even deeper into that sadness and misery. Started soft drugs, alcohol and discos. I even tried one type of hard drugs but thankfully I think had a kind of psychical line I guess unconsciously drown in me and left them when I saw what was happening with me.
In third grade I failed. Didn’t pass and had to repeat the year. I had an option to change the profile so I chose IT class where some of the friends I knew from a game club were. I only had to pass the exams for English because before I had French and German languages. I took private lessons during the summer time. I knew little English from games and movies and it had more sense for me to learn it. I finally was doing something I was getting good at it and it was easy and fun. I passed. Started new year. Couldn’t leave gaming but was trying to handle the school stress and learning. I passed my “matura” exam (school-leaving examination) but with poor results. Didn’t have perspective for any full-time studies and didn’t feel strong enough to take this challenge. I was scared after what I came through in those high school years and felt like a looser. I went to a paid art studies sponsored by my parents and they are not wealthy so it wasn’t easy for them. I created a habit a specific attitude towards a challenge which was a school, learning and taking responsibility for it. I didn’t had the motivation, didn’t see the purpose in it. I wasn’t strong enough. If we can speak about any kind of strength in me at that time. I did one semester and left. My parents still were trying to motivate me with the same approach. My negative attitude towards them was growing exponentially. I started some paid practice in the County Office but it was only for 3 months. Then, one of the guys I knew briefly from my neighborhood meet me at the street. We almost never spoke. Started talking and he said he is planning to go to Ireland and asked if I want to go with him. I was surprised because I was thinking how good it would be to go to work abroad and earn some decent money and get out of my town, parents and all that situation I was in. I agreed and we left few months later. We came back after 1,5 year. I got some rest there even if I was working full time job and was basically on my own. I fell in love in that country but I felt like I have to come back with some money saved and start a school again. I wrote to my old art school and was told I can start from September and don’t have to go through exams again. I had a plan, more or less. Unfortunately I wasn’t ready enough. I failed again. Was too lazy. Not enough motivated again and didn’t see the purpose. I couldn’t as well connect with the people on my year. I was balancing between trying to make the most of what I had and was going time and again into those “depression” like periods. I left that school again after one year. Went to work in my home town.
All this time from childhood, but especially the high school period, created this tendency that either develop more or has been straighten in me which, as I know now, was a effortlessness falling in a state of disassociation. I don’t know how prevalent it was but my guess is it was happening more often then let’s say on average is happening in others. I disassociated each time stressful situation came up, even slight. I lived in a dream land or I was simply avoiding situation that were making me uncomfortable, including thoughts of that kind. And if those came up I was drowning in sort of lucid dreams in which I was the hero in that scenario.
At that time something happened. I was hanging out with some new/old friends. Among them my friend who came with me to Ireland. It was cool at the beginning. They got into the NLS (neurolinguistic seduction, pick up stuff etc.) and were reading books on that subject, watching videos. So did I. I came also across new age book “The Secret” and Murphy’s “The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind”. I liked those books. Somehow they helped me to stay sane and to have a sort of strength to go forward to some extent. My “gang” started to change. Their behavior and attitude towards one another because of that NLS stuff. As before I started to see this “cock fighting” between them. I felt sad about this situation and that from quite friendly atmosphere they ended up embracing there ego. Then at one of the polish website equivalent of Facebook I saw a girl that I have seen few times in the game club years ago. I knew she was painting so I talked to her. It sparked almost instantaneously. We chatted online a lot. Meet and became a couple. She hooked me with OOBE, lucid dreaming, dead recovery techniques and some other esoteric stuff. I was gone. I loved it in terms of reading about it and getting to know that such things exist, might be possible and so fascinating. And some light, or a spark fired in me. I left “the gang” completely and after 3 months moved to Wroclaw. I was devouring what she was telling me from her experience, the courses she went on, books she was reading. It was a great time. I wanted to know more. I was happy. Then, I had this book about unexplained phenomena which I never touched. So to get to know more about those things I started reading and then came across channeling chapter describing Jane Roberts and the Seth. Author cited some pieces from her book. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Excited, I told that to my girlfriend Magda. Started to look up for the book the author wrote, if there was a polish translation. And then came across the link leading directly to one of the Cass sessions translated into polish. I didn’t know it was a channeling material. Form was rather weird for me. Didn’t know what “A” and “Q” meant at first glance but I started to read. I could not believe after a minute that someone was asking questions and was given strict, certain, answers to some of the questions that were normally hard to answered explicitly by science or couldn’t been known by a human being. That was it! I told to my Magda what I found and we printed all there was in polish and started to read together and talk about it sitting in the bathroom with our heads “smoking” from the information. We loved the material and what was available on the polish website of the Cass group. After a while we offered a help with translation though it was mostly Magda that was doing the job, she was studying English philology. I knew some of it but comparing to her I was “wimp”. We were slowly going through material and books recommended on Pracownia4. I remember when I first started to read “In search of the miraculous” by Ouspensky. We were coming back from our home town to Wroclaw on a train. What he was writing struck me like a lightning. I didn’t understand all that he was writing but I “felt” like this is IT, this is something valuable and that at some level I felt he was right about sleep and sad state human were (or what’s more I was). I guess I somewhat connected to it and interpret some of that into my sad situation, who I was and how I was handling my life. I felt I came across the tools I needed. I even remember when we left the train saying to Magda that I might act weird because I want to try what Ouspensky was writing about. She laughed saying I should calm down and take it easy. I have this trait being “hot-headed”, overexcited and going full into something I will consider worth but after a while the fire fades and most of the time I leave the ideas or whatever I undertake. That’s why her comment to “calm down”. But this time something in me knew this is not as always. It cannot be. It’s my chance I reasoned.
One of the first realization at the very beginning of my work was that how much we influence each other, how everything we do, say, react, the voice, the expressions, like all of this changes to some extend others and how they influence us. It seemed for me that we unconsciously manipulate each other. At least that was my impression back then. That people reacted to one another like some sort of strings where attached to them.
The things between us unfortunately started to deteriorate. The fire fade and the same friend that went with me to Ireland meet Magda and that was it. He showed up right at the time where our relationship was falling apart. But this time I had some knowledge. I’ve read some of the ISOTM and when I get to know that it was the end of our relationship I was almost devastated, or I felt I might be. I felt emotion combined with thoughts rumbling in me. I had this information that we are machines, that we react automatically, so I refused to react. I remember that time really well in our small apartment sitting alone and feeling the emotion growing. I oppose. I said to myself “I will not react as I always would”. I’ve seen my thoughts going in her direction. Thoughts fueled by emotions coming with the plan attached about what to do to get her back, what kind of sneaky tricks to use to look pity, to make her change her mind. I saw this tendency and I was fighting. I was repeating in my mind “I want react as always”, “I refuse”. I wasn’t, as much as I could, letting those thoughts to resolve, to go any further to become action. I remember the struggle, the friction, but I was determined and I fought and I won. I didn’t do anything that some part of me was telling me to do, was pushing in the specific direction. I was vigilant, at least to that aspect of myself, and I let her go. I let that lesson to end as I thought it should, whit dignity and in the right way with no pity coming from childhood tendencies, and this episode was a shock that pushed me forward.
Then there was one more thing during that time which was significant. I still lived with Magda, she is a sweetheart, so she of course let me stay at her place until I will be able to move and find a place to rent. It wasn’t easy to still see her as you probably can imagine, but I won the struggle and in a way something changed in me. Something ended in me. The result of the struggle gave some kind of understanding. This attitude that was trying to push me in her direction was gone or rather didn’t had a power over me, was weak and died naturally. I understood what was it, I saw its nature. I was going through the ISOTM and at some point visited old friend of mine from the gaming club times. The one that was in a way close to me. Because I was still struggling with some instinctive sexual tendencies and the negative emotion appearing from the awareness she was with friend of mine I had to talk with somebody and he was the person I always talked to. It was a long conversation. I was trying to understand what was going on in me and this whole situation. I was thinking, talking, considering everything what was going on in me, in my relation with Magda, my attitude towards my friend, all I could think of. We spoke good few hours. Then I left for a train to Wroclaw. This “reasoning” at his place and even on the way to train station did something in me. I remember very well standing inside the station building with my mind kind of working all the time even if I didn’t decide about it. Thoughts were circulating, some I was directing and thinking as much as it was possible voluntarily but mostly I was just rather passive observer/participant and then the change came. Something changed my perception. Literally, I started to see the world differently, hear sounds more vivid, became more calm, vision was sharpen. It faded for a moment but came up when I sat in the train. It was something I never experienced before. I was sitting straight in the wagon looking around in that state and couldn’t get over it. I was scanning everything around me with that state, that vision in me. Everything seemed suddenly to be still, like I was in the eye of the cyclone. I didn’t “feel” time. Like if the time stopped. The faces of passengers were still, absent. I was surprised “no one was looking at me”. It seemed as if they were here and not here and the same time and no one didn’t notice the change in me, which for me felt so real and strange as if I was radiating and they didn’t see it. I had those feeling of strangeness but the amazement toke over. I knew something profound happened and I didn’t want that state to end. I think it lasted all the way to Wroclaw. Time didn’t exist for me. The road flue bye. I remember standing with people between the wagons right before we were to leave the train and notice a difference from when I was sitting. I felt “exposed” as if in a way was “naked”. Still being in that state. Trying to prolong it and focus on it I was looking around the people. They were not looking at me! And I write this because I often must have this thoughts/feelings that you are rather often watched by at least someone. No one was. I felt this silence so ”strongly” as if “undead” froze in front of you because they didn’t sense your blood or sent. Conductor came to check the tickets. He was “silent” to. Not present. How could it be if he was interacting with me. Didn’t even look at me. It was also a bit strange and terrifying but I didn’t want it to end so I persisted in it as long as I could. It ended somewhere after I left the train. I remember one more thing, promising myself and saying to myself I don’t want to forget this state, I can’t, I will not, I will do all it takes to remember that state. I could not go back to it for some time. At least not in such intensity. But I didn’t forgot it happened and it changed me. It changed slightly my perception. Not continuously but the quality of it changed and the experience changed something in me.
I was trying to cope with braking up and being alone and my tendency to run away from reality came back and pushed me towards games. Warm, cozy bliss. But this time it was different. It wasn’t like before. I was still reading as much as I could, as much as I could stretch my will and fight with myself and those pesky impulses of laziness and excuse of all sort. So there I was hanging between two worlds, wake up world of 4th way I was reading about and knew it existed and the world of sleep, stagnation, pleasure making of playing, watching movies etc. But the seed was planted and was growing in me and I knew or understood that the time was coming to make a decision, it was inevitable. Beside reading the material from the 4th way I was reading other stuff that was available on Pracownia4 about the situation in the world, aliens, the Wave etc. But I also noticed inclination to color some of that knowledge with my beliefs and attitude and that this was “twisting” the facts so I decided I have to work on myself to root this out so I could, as much as possible, objectively look at that knowledge, facts and materials, and not to reject it because of my inner state and “filters”. So I decided to focus more on reading and studying whatever I could get my hands on from 4th way and change that twisting of perception and assimilate the truth due. Also worth of mentioning is I struggled with an ambivalent emotions towards what I was reading, towards Cass and all that knowledge. There was a part of me that was against all of that. Denying what I get to know, making me doubt, afraid. But I persisted because the only way to find out the truth is to know more and check for yourself and be careful.
I moved out from Magda’s apartment. Found a room in a private apartment with the owner living with me. This was it. That was the thing. I decided to leave my old me, at least in my mind. To set out on a journey of the Work as much as I could with all my being or those parts that felt it to be right. I felt this decision was different than those I was making before. It felt firm and right and with no return if I set out. The perspective of going back was terrifying because I knew I will break down if I fail. I would be disappointed to such an extend I could not dismiss it anymore and run away from the truth about my state anymore. I still was like this flag on a wind internally, indulging in pleasures and my weaknesses but I was moving forward and I wasn’t forgetting the decision. I knew I was on the right track and this gave me the strength. I didn’t weep when I had to move with my stuff, was dragging books over the city to other rooms I was renting when I had to move and it was fun rather than pain. I struggled with pleasure. At that time the polish translation of “Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson” came out which I found by accident in one of the book stores right about that time. Couldn’t be more happy to read what Gurdjieff himself wrote. I was trying also in the meant time for a while to help Iza with translations, but I was weak, and couldn’t stand up to that task consistently. I started reading the Beelzebub and this was another change for me. This book stretched my capability to think as if I took over the way the G. was writing with those long sentences. Also my attitude towards people changed, emotionally, as if my ability to be empathic came back or opened in a way. As for “ISOTM” I didn’t finished them at once. It was to “dense” for me to swallow and I didn’t want to go further if I didn’t understood what I read. I didn’t want this book to go to waste and be left out so I was trying what I’ve read. I was still “liquid” in my behavior, inner state and thoughts. Eventually I came to the point of the next decision and realization. I can’t just read about those things and think about them. I had to start to put them into practice and not to pretend I am practicing.
So I was practicing or at least I tried. All this time because I was handling with that work on myself by myself, most of that “work” was chaotic. Unstructured. Going from one concept taken from 4th way to another. From multiple I’s to mechanicalness, to not being who you think you are, trying to see it, pondering on it rather than trying to see it, or trying but not the way I should. Somewhere in that storm of thoughts and turbulence I realized I need to know what is it all about that observation! And that I have to start slowly from one concept. So I started to try it. To get the grasp what it is, how does it “feel” internally to observe yourself. I didn’t want to delusion myself I was observing myself. I wanted to know how it feels, tastes. What is it like. What it really is to observe. And I struggled a long time. The knowledge of forth way in me was still chaotic but I was focusing more and more to understand observation. So I was trying and came across all sorts of obstacles. Couldn’t name them back then, but now I know it was identification, lack of actually ability to focus! Few things came up from that inner scuffle.
I remember riding back in the buss from work stretching my will and focus to figure out how it is to be in a state of observation and at the same time all those emotions running through me when looking at people, when they moved around me, interacted, passed by. All this disturbed all my efforts and caused my attention to go back and forth every possible direction, in and out, left and right. I was starting to be annoyed by this state of affairs. I was more and more flexing internally so finally out of desperation I started to talk to myself and forcing myself using my will to not to let this inner chaos to lose my focus and at some point finally I started saying to myself “I am not those emotions”, “They are not me”, “This is not me”, “This is not me”... at the same time feeling them, seeing them and then something changed. They lost their power, there intensity, and I saw that they are really not me, that I have them rather than being them In a real, deep sense! I detached inwardly from them. It stayed in me that “taste” of it. I saw it. I experienced it.
The observation practice was still going bad because I was lacking the ability to focus, though I didn’t know that then. I was trying observe myself when I could, when I remembered about it and when I was not in a state of identification. There was another small “epiphany” in the buss. I was going back from work standing in the vehicle and trying to see what I can observe, experimenting with my attention, looking inwardly at my inner world scanning it or at least try... and then a sort of “voice” appeared or “attitude” I noticed, saying I can’t do that! I can’t do what I am trying to do inwardly. That it is “crazy”, what others will think of me? That this is not normal! That I can’t. I was so taken aback by this because on the other hand I realized there was no one around me seeing and hearing what was happening in me and despite this some part of me was afraid and some sort of maternal “guard” or “social despot of a grandpa devotee kind” was in me telling me not to do it! I realized first of all I had this part in me as a security guard developed as a consequence of socialization, second I could do whatever I want inside me and nothing will “happen” and no one sees that. I know it might sound obvious but it wasn’t just an information you know, I felt it and it changed something in me profoundly. I was still internally and behaviorally like a “flag on a wind”. The struggle continued. Reading, checking what I’ve read. Going back and forth.
Finally I came across one of my enemies, the attitude/emotions/ fear of school that I developed in the past. It may sound weird but it was a real challenge for me after all those years of subjective but real nightmare I went through. I knew that if I take this work seriously I have to live it and challenge myself. I had to go to University. I had two options I was considering. Art school, the best in the Wroclaw or Psychology at the University of Wroclaw. First even if seemed to be a challenge to get in (it wasn’t easy as far as I knew) but latter was a bigger mountain, evoking all those feelings I knew I had to work through plus it was greater challenge intellectually, and I wanted to know what academic knowledge had to say about our psychology. I was afraid I won’t get to full-time studies on the daily mode because of my weak diploma from high school and I had to keep working to be able to leave in the city, so I had to choose the paid evening mode, fortunately with the same amount of hours, but after work and it was easier to get it when you pay for them. I moved again and again dragging with me my stuff and ended up in a student apartment close to my work and the University. At that time when I’ve made the decision my attitude towards the work changed again. It was another serious step and commitment I had to make and stop beating around the bush in that respect. I wanted to try harder, to push myself more so this time the same scenario from previous years of dropping school won’t happen again. And it felt like there is more I have to do in working on myself. I started to read english materials and Gnosis. That book helped me a lot to sort out some of my knowledge and helped me to better understand many of the concepts. I focused more on practicing self observation. It was around 3 months before the academic year starts. I started to do EE more consistently and challenge myself in maintaining my attention during more uncomfortable situations and when I was losing my attention and got identified with inner flow of sensations, emotions, thoughts and body. The time was coming. I gathered my papers and went to Psychology department. I was “scared”, shaking but observing myself as long as I could. I didn’t want anything in me to make me “turn my legs” around and withdrawal. I was so determined and focused that I remember the way to Uni. I remember who took the documents from me and I kept my attention to observe. When I got into the room where the applications were taken I noticed how “mechanical” the gentlemen sitting there was! It surprised me. I thought I will be the awkward one who does all those unnecessary movements, talks without any attention put into it. I think fear caused my expectations to grow into irrational sizes in terms of what will happen there and that I will be observed by whoever will see me. That was one of the more shocking experiences, more outstanding from others when I observed people around me.
Around month before I started studies I meet my ex-girlfriend. She seemed interested in Cassiopaea material and she knew a guy who was into it then she was. We talked, meet and after actually short time she moved to Wroclaw, to an apartment I found before she came over with her things. Few days later we took a car and went shopping. Two things happened. My attitude towards outer world changed in those last moths/years because of the work. The attention, how I saw some things and how I reacted or not to them. She took some sweets from the store and after standing in the lane she was complaining, I think, about money and that she needs to save them. The thing is... I responded with such a clear rationality, logic and it felt so natural and obvious to me I didn’t realize it could be taken so “offensive”. I simply pointed out the contradiction in her behavior but not to be mean but to show the solution - want to save money don’t buy those sweets. She got little angry and I was taken aback. Other thing that happened was that I left my wallet at our place so I asked if she can pay. She said ok. But when we left the store I noticed her behavior changed. Her anger started to grow. Because it was easier for me now to stay calm and don’t let to identify with the emotions and reaction inside me to some extend I was again surprise how easily you can get angry with “no reason”. In the car I asked calmly what’s going on and I get to know she had those thoughts I want to scam her on money because I didn’t took the wallet and she thought it was on purpose. In such a situations I always tried to not let the emotions take whole of me, I fought with the attention and not with not letting them to “go beyond my neck into the head”. I calmed her down.
Till that time I managed to noticed in more detail inwardly what was exactly going on in me. Loosing attention felt like I was “drowning” in the sensations turned on by exterior or interior situations/factors/impulses. The difference was more distinct then before. But still I was losing it more often than I had it but the thing is it was more distinguishable in terms of inner taste of it or rather perception. It really felt like my consciousness when I could say that this is me now doing, saying, feeling and seeing those thought, feelings is plunging into them like into a river and the it’s gone... there is no more I am here but “it” is and happens.
TBC...
I’d like to show you who I am and how I got where I am today, what is my experience with working on myself, my understanding of the work, my observations of some of the events in my life and some thoughts. And I think it will be a great exercise of recapitulation to go through.
(Note after finishing it: I can say now I need it to go through my life and some events, starting even from an early age. It helps to open the luggage you drag behind you).
Let me go back as far as to my childhood because I think it is relevant to have that picture in mind when comparing to what came after and to have a better perspective. I come from a small town in Poland. Not much is happening there. As for the early age one major factor that might be relevant to know is that my parents divorced when I was 3 years old but I have almost no memory of it beside a moments when my biological father was later on picking me and my one year younger brother from my mom’s house. This event had more impact rather later on of not having a active male force because my step father was rather withdrawn and I think he was restraining himself to react or act when it was needed.
I couldn’t wait to start the primary school. I liked learning. Not that I didn’t struggle whit it but it was so much fun when I was succeeding and my mom encouragement and help played a role. She thought me to be ambitious and strive to be good in everything what I was doing back then and don’t give up so fast, especially in kindergarten and primary school. It’s hard for me to remember now how much of my motivation was my inner drive and how much came from a desire to make my mom proud. I’m mentioning this because I was struggling years later with finding a reason to go forward and few times I was pondering through my past to look for a reason of my failure (or one of them). I will come back to this. Overall in primary school I was doing great. I couldn’t wait to start history classes in 4 grade wishfully thinking it will be all about dinosaurs :) When new subjects appeared I was doing better and better with everything: math, science, humanities, painting, sports. Learning was so much fun and it was coming easy for me. I didn’t have to memorize much. I remember well that all I did was focusing on lessons and it seems like I just understood what was said and after I could easily produce what was expected from me. I had great imagination so writing wasn’t a problem though I often was picking an “open” topics on humanities lessons because it was easy to come up with for example “alternative” ending for the book or continue the story of the book etc. (and because I didn’t read all the books).
I think I was lucky to be in that school and not other. Teachers where great and nice most of the time :). School was small so you had this feeling of community rather than a rat race. In retrospection I think I somehow “coast through” that period in a way because it seems a bit like I was always relying on my ability to focus, understand, “digest” and reproduce and not memorizing. I didn’t have much of a trouble of memorizing though but for me it looked like you were getting grades for how good your memory was and how much you were able to recite what you have learned the other day. I was doing it because I had to but didn’t like it. Though the more there was memorizing the more trouble I had to get better grades. Maybe I was too lazy to commit that much. I didn’t get the best diploma in last two grades of school, 7 and 8 grades so it’s the age of 13-14.. In terms of a socialization I was getting on well with a lot of my friends. I remember jumping from one to the other and getting interested in what they were doing, who they were, spending time with them, “infecting” with whatever they were interested in and just having fun. There were just few people I didn’t spend much time but I think it just came out like that, not that I didn’t like them. More arguments I had with the closest friends :).
So basically few times I was the best student in the school, winning prices, being the class president almost every time, being picked for many tasks as a representative and I liked it, my ego liked it I guess. Overall when I think of all of that it seems that big part in my motivation took the striving to make my mom happy and proud, getting pleasure out of making my teachers happy and to show off before them how good I am. So in retrospection even if it is hard to admit my motivations were egotistic. For the balance though I liked being liked but I think it was because I liked people around me. I liked there company, being creative in filling our time with games, sports etc. Recalling my feelings from that time I could describe it as “loving” being around my friends and sharing time with them. I wouldn’t say I was doing everything because I wanted to be “the popular” person. Partly yes, but not in every aspect. I also had those periods that sometimes I was everywhere outside with friends and then had those lonely times when I preferred to be on my own and I liked it. I could spend weeks in my stepfather’s mom house in the countryside just fishing all day. Or simply not going out and staying home and getting busy reading, painting or hanging out in the garden with parents.
I think I had the potential, maybe little overgrown picture of myself but I would say from my perspective I was a good boy, I wanted good for others and my mom thought me to be good fellow human being, as a good Christian should be. So weird mix of egoism whit selflessness. Emotionally I think I was developing well and mostly thanks to this school environment, teachers and my mom. When I was finishing school she had this great vision of me being a doctor. I could not imagine what I wanted to do or be. It seemed for me that I just didn’t know and was surprised such a thing was expected from children at my age. I was “blank” when thinking about it. I was doing good in everything so I guess going forward to a school where top students were going was the logical step, so I went as my mom suggested.
Let me now tell you about one of the most important event that happened at that time. In the last year of primary school, specifically the new years eve 1997/1998 I went to celebrate it to my and my brother’s a friend, Andrew. It was his class mate though I was hanging out with him more than my brother. His parents went somewhere so we had home for ourselves. Of course it wasn’t new year without the fireworks and firecrackers. Our friend had even a really big once, those that just explode and do a lot of noise. So much that you had to cover your ears and open mouth as his parents once advised when they fired them. We went outside when midnight was coming and were firing what we had. At one point our friend fired one of the big ones and toss it under our feet. He yelled to warn us, so we covered our years and moved back as much as we had time to do it. For me the bang was REALY loud and I knew something happened because I had this beeping sound in my right year and I felt the blow to much - in my ears and hands. I was shocked so I didn’t realize at that time what happened exactly. We went to his house to check. I had burned fingers a bit, was shaking and had this constant noise/beep in my year. The fun was over so we went back home not pondering much what happened exactly. I can’t remember when I actually realized what happened then. Maybe the day after, maybe few days. As it turned out at the SAME time when Andrew fired the big one I was holding a really small one preparing to throw it as well. When he yelled I covered my years and was already holding a burning firecracker... It was small but because it was so close to my ear it did some damage. My ear drum was damaged. Because of a fear from having the big firecracker almost right under our feet I forgot what I was holding and what I was doing. All I wanted to do is to protect myself from the bang. As laryngologist said it wasn’t that bad in his initial opinion and was having hope that the ear drum might grow back and recover. Just give it a time, he said. The noise was not going away at all and it didn’t, ever... I went back to school but it was hard with that lack of hearing in the right ear and the noise. After some months my mom decided to consult some other doctors and I had a surgery planned as it seemed to have to be done. The date was set a two or three weeks after I will start high school. It wasn’t that bad from my perspective. I was getting use to that noise. At least from physical point of view. I started high school with none of my friends I hang out with previously the most. I think I’ve gone to school 3 or 4 weeks and then went to hospital for about 2 weeks and at least two more I’ve spend at home as the recuperation period required.
When I came back to school I was behind whit the material and felt left a side by those friends I knew from primary school. The reality started to hitting me hard. I remember very well sitting in the kitchen trying to memories biology as best I could. I remember my surprise when I got the worst possible grade. I couldn’t believe. Even though I didn’t memorize everything word by word I could reproduce what I knew and understood and the rest came from my memory. It wasn’t enough. I was learning more after that but for me it was a horror show. So from best student I became an average, trying to hold on. I couldn’t get along with the class mates. During my absence it seemed like they get along already so it felt like I missed that window of opportunity. The climate of the school and the teachers were different then what I experienced. Less open, less friendly, more rigorous and willing to “ride over you” if they felt like when you were failing. First two years went by on the average in every aspect of school life, learning, social, sport. I moved a side so I was underperforming even in those areas where I could do better. My imprinted and I think partly inner drive and awareness I can do better and the contrast of how I was performing now and back then where another factor that just was plunging me even more into a kind of depressed state. I was not happy about myself. With every failure I was going down even more and my lack of hearing wasn’t helping at all. I knew I could do better but I wasn’t, so I felt worse and worse. I didn’t blame teachers, though I was let down by those friends that came whit me to that school. Actually they were big surprise and let down. I thought I knew them more or less. I would never thought they might behave like they were. So this added to a already worsening picture of my inner state. I wasn’t socially everywhere, liking all and being liked. I was moving more and more towards “the side” and at some point I preferred being there. I didn’t like this weird kind of “cock fight” tendency seeing amongst people around me, who is better in what, who is this or that, looks funny, underperforms, sticks out because of this or that feature or behavior or how good he is etc. Judgments I couldn’t handle. Sometimes complete lack of sympathy towards one another or some people was “repulsive”. Lack of understanding someone else’s point of view, feeling, situation. Making fun of people. It was like a black and white comparing previous environment from primary school and this one I found myself in. So my underperformance in learning, my somewhat disability because of that new years eve accident, eye-opening behavior of my friends from primary school and overall atmosphere objective and perceived by me were fueling the “darkness” in me.
Looking from the psychological perspective at the period of the primary school I would say I was lucky to be in it because it seems like it was a good environment for developing empathy towards one another. Being a good ground for developing and sustaining conscience, social bonds, empathy etc. A “fertile ground” for normal behavior - the understanding coming from the site of teachers and my parents. Thanks to that I could have the exterior comparison to the fallowing period of high school. Though that picture was not uplifting to say the least.
During that latter teenage time another thing happened. One of my old friends from primary school introduced me to a lan-gaming and took me to a local game club. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back of me trying to somewhat “stand straight on my legs” in my life. I got my “escape” rout, drug that “helped” me cope whit the reality. I loved video games before and could play some times hours but it was just one of many things I was doing. It didn’t devour me that much. This time the “soil” was “suitable” and the seed of addiction and escape had been planted. I found people not that competitive and without overgrown ego who loved just having time playing with each other and “socializing” this way. Somehow compensating the reality like I did as well as being between “normal” people and not being left aside. I started to leave school more and more. More or less at the same time my health deteriorated objectively but also I started to simulate sickness to miss school. I was getting sick more often. Turned out I developed an allergy where before I was a example of great health, taking part in track meets and being very good at it. My grandpa had a woodworking shop and I could spend hours helping him and not sneezing once. I guess junk food played its role. And even if I felt good in the club, forgetting all that was there in the high school, when I had to go back there each time I was stressed more and more. I knew I was doing wrong, letting down myself, my parents but I couldn’t overcome this. I was too far back whit everything; social life, learning and psychologically capable of overcoming that swamp. I was slowly drowning in it. It was so bad that at some point I was the top student with the most time off from the school. More people than before started to deride. I was laugh at even when I couldn’t attend school from objective reasons and had to leave and start half the way of class time, because I had that reputation fallowing me everywhere. So this was happening and at the same time with still my awareness that I was doing bad on every level and I knew I could do way better but I wasn’t able to. At times I was dissatisfied with myself. Where I was and what I was doing. Dogging school, taking responsibility, doing the right things, I was failing. And I could not help myself. Didn’t have the tools to pull myself out of it. I was blaming myself but at the same time putting a side those thoughts and going back to a “drug” of gaming. Important factor that added more stress to that factor was the way my parents tried to fix the situation. Even though they meant good it had opposite effect. They were telling me how I will end up if I will be doing what I am doing. Trying to put me down in attempt to get the effect which in their perspective will lift me up by realizing how bad I am behaving leaving school etc. The thing is, I knew that... And because of that attitude I was going even deeper into that sadness and misery. Started soft drugs, alcohol and discos. I even tried one type of hard drugs but thankfully I think had a kind of psychical line I guess unconsciously drown in me and left them when I saw what was happening with me.
In third grade I failed. Didn’t pass and had to repeat the year. I had an option to change the profile so I chose IT class where some of the friends I knew from a game club were. I only had to pass the exams for English because before I had French and German languages. I took private lessons during the summer time. I knew little English from games and movies and it had more sense for me to learn it. I finally was doing something I was getting good at it and it was easy and fun. I passed. Started new year. Couldn’t leave gaming but was trying to handle the school stress and learning. I passed my “matura” exam (school-leaving examination) but with poor results. Didn’t have perspective for any full-time studies and didn’t feel strong enough to take this challenge. I was scared after what I came through in those high school years and felt like a looser. I went to a paid art studies sponsored by my parents and they are not wealthy so it wasn’t easy for them. I created a habit a specific attitude towards a challenge which was a school, learning and taking responsibility for it. I didn’t had the motivation, didn’t see the purpose in it. I wasn’t strong enough. If we can speak about any kind of strength in me at that time. I did one semester and left. My parents still were trying to motivate me with the same approach. My negative attitude towards them was growing exponentially. I started some paid practice in the County Office but it was only for 3 months. Then, one of the guys I knew briefly from my neighborhood meet me at the street. We almost never spoke. Started talking and he said he is planning to go to Ireland and asked if I want to go with him. I was surprised because I was thinking how good it would be to go to work abroad and earn some decent money and get out of my town, parents and all that situation I was in. I agreed and we left few months later. We came back after 1,5 year. I got some rest there even if I was working full time job and was basically on my own. I fell in love in that country but I felt like I have to come back with some money saved and start a school again. I wrote to my old art school and was told I can start from September and don’t have to go through exams again. I had a plan, more or less. Unfortunately I wasn’t ready enough. I failed again. Was too lazy. Not enough motivated again and didn’t see the purpose. I couldn’t as well connect with the people on my year. I was balancing between trying to make the most of what I had and was going time and again into those “depression” like periods. I left that school again after one year. Went to work in my home town.
All this time from childhood, but especially the high school period, created this tendency that either develop more or has been straighten in me which, as I know now, was a effortlessness falling in a state of disassociation. I don’t know how prevalent it was but my guess is it was happening more often then let’s say on average is happening in others. I disassociated each time stressful situation came up, even slight. I lived in a dream land or I was simply avoiding situation that were making me uncomfortable, including thoughts of that kind. And if those came up I was drowning in sort of lucid dreams in which I was the hero in that scenario.
At that time something happened. I was hanging out with some new/old friends. Among them my friend who came with me to Ireland. It was cool at the beginning. They got into the NLS (neurolinguistic seduction, pick up stuff etc.) and were reading books on that subject, watching videos. So did I. I came also across new age book “The Secret” and Murphy’s “The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind”. I liked those books. Somehow they helped me to stay sane and to have a sort of strength to go forward to some extent. My “gang” started to change. Their behavior and attitude towards one another because of that NLS stuff. As before I started to see this “cock fighting” between them. I felt sad about this situation and that from quite friendly atmosphere they ended up embracing there ego. Then at one of the polish website equivalent of Facebook I saw a girl that I have seen few times in the game club years ago. I knew she was painting so I talked to her. It sparked almost instantaneously. We chatted online a lot. Meet and became a couple. She hooked me with OOBE, lucid dreaming, dead recovery techniques and some other esoteric stuff. I was gone. I loved it in terms of reading about it and getting to know that such things exist, might be possible and so fascinating. And some light, or a spark fired in me. I left “the gang” completely and after 3 months moved to Wroclaw. I was devouring what she was telling me from her experience, the courses she went on, books she was reading. It was a great time. I wanted to know more. I was happy. Then, I had this book about unexplained phenomena which I never touched. So to get to know more about those things I started reading and then came across channeling chapter describing Jane Roberts and the Seth. Author cited some pieces from her book. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Excited, I told that to my girlfriend Magda. Started to look up for the book the author wrote, if there was a polish translation. And then came across the link leading directly to one of the Cass sessions translated into polish. I didn’t know it was a channeling material. Form was rather weird for me. Didn’t know what “A” and “Q” meant at first glance but I started to read. I could not believe after a minute that someone was asking questions and was given strict, certain, answers to some of the questions that were normally hard to answered explicitly by science or couldn’t been known by a human being. That was it! I told to my Magda what I found and we printed all there was in polish and started to read together and talk about it sitting in the bathroom with our heads “smoking” from the information. We loved the material and what was available on the polish website of the Cass group. After a while we offered a help with translation though it was mostly Magda that was doing the job, she was studying English philology. I knew some of it but comparing to her I was “wimp”. We were slowly going through material and books recommended on Pracownia4. I remember when I first started to read “In search of the miraculous” by Ouspensky. We were coming back from our home town to Wroclaw on a train. What he was writing struck me like a lightning. I didn’t understand all that he was writing but I “felt” like this is IT, this is something valuable and that at some level I felt he was right about sleep and sad state human were (or what’s more I was). I guess I somewhat connected to it and interpret some of that into my sad situation, who I was and how I was handling my life. I felt I came across the tools I needed. I even remember when we left the train saying to Magda that I might act weird because I want to try what Ouspensky was writing about. She laughed saying I should calm down and take it easy. I have this trait being “hot-headed”, overexcited and going full into something I will consider worth but after a while the fire fades and most of the time I leave the ideas or whatever I undertake. That’s why her comment to “calm down”. But this time something in me knew this is not as always. It cannot be. It’s my chance I reasoned.
One of the first realization at the very beginning of my work was that how much we influence each other, how everything we do, say, react, the voice, the expressions, like all of this changes to some extend others and how they influence us. It seemed for me that we unconsciously manipulate each other. At least that was my impression back then. That people reacted to one another like some sort of strings where attached to them.
The things between us unfortunately started to deteriorate. The fire fade and the same friend that went with me to Ireland meet Magda and that was it. He showed up right at the time where our relationship was falling apart. But this time I had some knowledge. I’ve read some of the ISOTM and when I get to know that it was the end of our relationship I was almost devastated, or I felt I might be. I felt emotion combined with thoughts rumbling in me. I had this information that we are machines, that we react automatically, so I refused to react. I remember that time really well in our small apartment sitting alone and feeling the emotion growing. I oppose. I said to myself “I will not react as I always would”. I’ve seen my thoughts going in her direction. Thoughts fueled by emotions coming with the plan attached about what to do to get her back, what kind of sneaky tricks to use to look pity, to make her change her mind. I saw this tendency and I was fighting. I was repeating in my mind “I want react as always”, “I refuse”. I wasn’t, as much as I could, letting those thoughts to resolve, to go any further to become action. I remember the struggle, the friction, but I was determined and I fought and I won. I didn’t do anything that some part of me was telling me to do, was pushing in the specific direction. I was vigilant, at least to that aspect of myself, and I let her go. I let that lesson to end as I thought it should, whit dignity and in the right way with no pity coming from childhood tendencies, and this episode was a shock that pushed me forward.
Then there was one more thing during that time which was significant. I still lived with Magda, she is a sweetheart, so she of course let me stay at her place until I will be able to move and find a place to rent. It wasn’t easy to still see her as you probably can imagine, but I won the struggle and in a way something changed in me. Something ended in me. The result of the struggle gave some kind of understanding. This attitude that was trying to push me in her direction was gone or rather didn’t had a power over me, was weak and died naturally. I understood what was it, I saw its nature. I was going through the ISOTM and at some point visited old friend of mine from the gaming club times. The one that was in a way close to me. Because I was still struggling with some instinctive sexual tendencies and the negative emotion appearing from the awareness she was with friend of mine I had to talk with somebody and he was the person I always talked to. It was a long conversation. I was trying to understand what was going on in me and this whole situation. I was thinking, talking, considering everything what was going on in me, in my relation with Magda, my attitude towards my friend, all I could think of. We spoke good few hours. Then I left for a train to Wroclaw. This “reasoning” at his place and even on the way to train station did something in me. I remember very well standing inside the station building with my mind kind of working all the time even if I didn’t decide about it. Thoughts were circulating, some I was directing and thinking as much as it was possible voluntarily but mostly I was just rather passive observer/participant and then the change came. Something changed my perception. Literally, I started to see the world differently, hear sounds more vivid, became more calm, vision was sharpen. It faded for a moment but came up when I sat in the train. It was something I never experienced before. I was sitting straight in the wagon looking around in that state and couldn’t get over it. I was scanning everything around me with that state, that vision in me. Everything seemed suddenly to be still, like I was in the eye of the cyclone. I didn’t “feel” time. Like if the time stopped. The faces of passengers were still, absent. I was surprised “no one was looking at me”. It seemed as if they were here and not here and the same time and no one didn’t notice the change in me, which for me felt so real and strange as if I was radiating and they didn’t see it. I had those feeling of strangeness but the amazement toke over. I knew something profound happened and I didn’t want that state to end. I think it lasted all the way to Wroclaw. Time didn’t exist for me. The road flue bye. I remember standing with people between the wagons right before we were to leave the train and notice a difference from when I was sitting. I felt “exposed” as if in a way was “naked”. Still being in that state. Trying to prolong it and focus on it I was looking around the people. They were not looking at me! And I write this because I often must have this thoughts/feelings that you are rather often watched by at least someone. No one was. I felt this silence so ”strongly” as if “undead” froze in front of you because they didn’t sense your blood or sent. Conductor came to check the tickets. He was “silent” to. Not present. How could it be if he was interacting with me. Didn’t even look at me. It was also a bit strange and terrifying but I didn’t want it to end so I persisted in it as long as I could. It ended somewhere after I left the train. I remember one more thing, promising myself and saying to myself I don’t want to forget this state, I can’t, I will not, I will do all it takes to remember that state. I could not go back to it for some time. At least not in such intensity. But I didn’t forgot it happened and it changed me. It changed slightly my perception. Not continuously but the quality of it changed and the experience changed something in me.
I was trying to cope with braking up and being alone and my tendency to run away from reality came back and pushed me towards games. Warm, cozy bliss. But this time it was different. It wasn’t like before. I was still reading as much as I could, as much as I could stretch my will and fight with myself and those pesky impulses of laziness and excuse of all sort. So there I was hanging between two worlds, wake up world of 4th way I was reading about and knew it existed and the world of sleep, stagnation, pleasure making of playing, watching movies etc. But the seed was planted and was growing in me and I knew or understood that the time was coming to make a decision, it was inevitable. Beside reading the material from the 4th way I was reading other stuff that was available on Pracownia4 about the situation in the world, aliens, the Wave etc. But I also noticed inclination to color some of that knowledge with my beliefs and attitude and that this was “twisting” the facts so I decided I have to work on myself to root this out so I could, as much as possible, objectively look at that knowledge, facts and materials, and not to reject it because of my inner state and “filters”. So I decided to focus more on reading and studying whatever I could get my hands on from 4th way and change that twisting of perception and assimilate the truth due. Also worth of mentioning is I struggled with an ambivalent emotions towards what I was reading, towards Cass and all that knowledge. There was a part of me that was against all of that. Denying what I get to know, making me doubt, afraid. But I persisted because the only way to find out the truth is to know more and check for yourself and be careful.
I moved out from Magda’s apartment. Found a room in a private apartment with the owner living with me. This was it. That was the thing. I decided to leave my old me, at least in my mind. To set out on a journey of the Work as much as I could with all my being or those parts that felt it to be right. I felt this decision was different than those I was making before. It felt firm and right and with no return if I set out. The perspective of going back was terrifying because I knew I will break down if I fail. I would be disappointed to such an extend I could not dismiss it anymore and run away from the truth about my state anymore. I still was like this flag on a wind internally, indulging in pleasures and my weaknesses but I was moving forward and I wasn’t forgetting the decision. I knew I was on the right track and this gave me the strength. I didn’t weep when I had to move with my stuff, was dragging books over the city to other rooms I was renting when I had to move and it was fun rather than pain. I struggled with pleasure. At that time the polish translation of “Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson” came out which I found by accident in one of the book stores right about that time. Couldn’t be more happy to read what Gurdjieff himself wrote. I was trying also in the meant time for a while to help Iza with translations, but I was weak, and couldn’t stand up to that task consistently. I started reading the Beelzebub and this was another change for me. This book stretched my capability to think as if I took over the way the G. was writing with those long sentences. Also my attitude towards people changed, emotionally, as if my ability to be empathic came back or opened in a way. As for “ISOTM” I didn’t finished them at once. It was to “dense” for me to swallow and I didn’t want to go further if I didn’t understood what I read. I didn’t want this book to go to waste and be left out so I was trying what I’ve read. I was still “liquid” in my behavior, inner state and thoughts. Eventually I came to the point of the next decision and realization. I can’t just read about those things and think about them. I had to start to put them into practice and not to pretend I am practicing.
So I was practicing or at least I tried. All this time because I was handling with that work on myself by myself, most of that “work” was chaotic. Unstructured. Going from one concept taken from 4th way to another. From multiple I’s to mechanicalness, to not being who you think you are, trying to see it, pondering on it rather than trying to see it, or trying but not the way I should. Somewhere in that storm of thoughts and turbulence I realized I need to know what is it all about that observation! And that I have to start slowly from one concept. So I started to try it. To get the grasp what it is, how does it “feel” internally to observe yourself. I didn’t want to delusion myself I was observing myself. I wanted to know how it feels, tastes. What is it like. What it really is to observe. And I struggled a long time. The knowledge of forth way in me was still chaotic but I was focusing more and more to understand observation. So I was trying and came across all sorts of obstacles. Couldn’t name them back then, but now I know it was identification, lack of actually ability to focus! Few things came up from that inner scuffle.
I remember riding back in the buss from work stretching my will and focus to figure out how it is to be in a state of observation and at the same time all those emotions running through me when looking at people, when they moved around me, interacted, passed by. All this disturbed all my efforts and caused my attention to go back and forth every possible direction, in and out, left and right. I was starting to be annoyed by this state of affairs. I was more and more flexing internally so finally out of desperation I started to talk to myself and forcing myself using my will to not to let this inner chaos to lose my focus and at some point finally I started saying to myself “I am not those emotions”, “They are not me”, “This is not me”, “This is not me”... at the same time feeling them, seeing them and then something changed. They lost their power, there intensity, and I saw that they are really not me, that I have them rather than being them In a real, deep sense! I detached inwardly from them. It stayed in me that “taste” of it. I saw it. I experienced it.
The observation practice was still going bad because I was lacking the ability to focus, though I didn’t know that then. I was trying observe myself when I could, when I remembered about it and when I was not in a state of identification. There was another small “epiphany” in the buss. I was going back from work standing in the vehicle and trying to see what I can observe, experimenting with my attention, looking inwardly at my inner world scanning it or at least try... and then a sort of “voice” appeared or “attitude” I noticed, saying I can’t do that! I can’t do what I am trying to do inwardly. That it is “crazy”, what others will think of me? That this is not normal! That I can’t. I was so taken aback by this because on the other hand I realized there was no one around me seeing and hearing what was happening in me and despite this some part of me was afraid and some sort of maternal “guard” or “social despot of a grandpa devotee kind” was in me telling me not to do it! I realized first of all I had this part in me as a security guard developed as a consequence of socialization, second I could do whatever I want inside me and nothing will “happen” and no one sees that. I know it might sound obvious but it wasn’t just an information you know, I felt it and it changed something in me profoundly. I was still internally and behaviorally like a “flag on a wind”. The struggle continued. Reading, checking what I’ve read. Going back and forth.
Finally I came across one of my enemies, the attitude/emotions/ fear of school that I developed in the past. It may sound weird but it was a real challenge for me after all those years of subjective but real nightmare I went through. I knew that if I take this work seriously I have to live it and challenge myself. I had to go to University. I had two options I was considering. Art school, the best in the Wroclaw or Psychology at the University of Wroclaw. First even if seemed to be a challenge to get in (it wasn’t easy as far as I knew) but latter was a bigger mountain, evoking all those feelings I knew I had to work through plus it was greater challenge intellectually, and I wanted to know what academic knowledge had to say about our psychology. I was afraid I won’t get to full-time studies on the daily mode because of my weak diploma from high school and I had to keep working to be able to leave in the city, so I had to choose the paid evening mode, fortunately with the same amount of hours, but after work and it was easier to get it when you pay for them. I moved again and again dragging with me my stuff and ended up in a student apartment close to my work and the University. At that time when I’ve made the decision my attitude towards the work changed again. It was another serious step and commitment I had to make and stop beating around the bush in that respect. I wanted to try harder, to push myself more so this time the same scenario from previous years of dropping school won’t happen again. And it felt like there is more I have to do in working on myself. I started to read english materials and Gnosis. That book helped me a lot to sort out some of my knowledge and helped me to better understand many of the concepts. I focused more on practicing self observation. It was around 3 months before the academic year starts. I started to do EE more consistently and challenge myself in maintaining my attention during more uncomfortable situations and when I was losing my attention and got identified with inner flow of sensations, emotions, thoughts and body. The time was coming. I gathered my papers and went to Psychology department. I was “scared”, shaking but observing myself as long as I could. I didn’t want anything in me to make me “turn my legs” around and withdrawal. I was so determined and focused that I remember the way to Uni. I remember who took the documents from me and I kept my attention to observe. When I got into the room where the applications were taken I noticed how “mechanical” the gentlemen sitting there was! It surprised me. I thought I will be the awkward one who does all those unnecessary movements, talks without any attention put into it. I think fear caused my expectations to grow into irrational sizes in terms of what will happen there and that I will be observed by whoever will see me. That was one of the more shocking experiences, more outstanding from others when I observed people around me.
Around month before I started studies I meet my ex-girlfriend. She seemed interested in Cassiopaea material and she knew a guy who was into it then she was. We talked, meet and after actually short time she moved to Wroclaw, to an apartment I found before she came over with her things. Few days later we took a car and went shopping. Two things happened. My attitude towards outer world changed in those last moths/years because of the work. The attention, how I saw some things and how I reacted or not to them. She took some sweets from the store and after standing in the lane she was complaining, I think, about money and that she needs to save them. The thing is... I responded with such a clear rationality, logic and it felt so natural and obvious to me I didn’t realize it could be taken so “offensive”. I simply pointed out the contradiction in her behavior but not to be mean but to show the solution - want to save money don’t buy those sweets. She got little angry and I was taken aback. Other thing that happened was that I left my wallet at our place so I asked if she can pay. She said ok. But when we left the store I noticed her behavior changed. Her anger started to grow. Because it was easier for me now to stay calm and don’t let to identify with the emotions and reaction inside me to some extend I was again surprise how easily you can get angry with “no reason”. In the car I asked calmly what’s going on and I get to know she had those thoughts I want to scam her on money because I didn’t took the wallet and she thought it was on purpose. In such a situations I always tried to not let the emotions take whole of me, I fought with the attention and not with not letting them to “go beyond my neck into the head”. I calmed her down.
Till that time I managed to noticed in more detail inwardly what was exactly going on in me. Loosing attention felt like I was “drowning” in the sensations turned on by exterior or interior situations/factors/impulses. The difference was more distinct then before. But still I was losing it more often than I had it but the thing is it was more distinguishable in terms of inner taste of it or rather perception. It really felt like my consciousness when I could say that this is me now doing, saying, feeling and seeing those thought, feelings is plunging into them like into a river and the it’s gone... there is no more I am here but “it” is and happens.
TBC...