On reflection I think it may be easier for people to read if I just post it all into the forum.
[] Marks my commentary when typing up the experience.
I don’t see a way to edit my initial post so will add it here.
I will post the original writings for consultation in my next post. It can make it easier to see text imagery.
Pg 0
I started off by reading some of the book Dune in my bed. After a while I felt physically tired so lied down and draped my jumper over my head to keep out the light. I would occasionally reach out to drink my water and found it to become increasingly difficult. Over time I began to feel heavy and all movement became a struggle.
This eventually extended to breathing. I had to consciously put great effort into breathing, trying my best to perform big breaths. I closed my eyes and started to wonder if I was going to die. I started to wonder if breathing was worth all the effort. Then in my mind there was a button. I knew this button represented death. I considered there was a choice before me and thought over how I never seemed to be able to get myself to do much of anything. Then I decided to turn away from the button. Another few seconds past as I continued struggling breathing and then in a sudden burst of frustration I slammed the newly appeared button which glowed red on pressing it and cracked the imagined surface it lay upon.
So I slowed my breathing, I had accepted to die right? But, I found I continued breathing and powering through clinging to life. After some more time past I decided rather suddenly that if I wasn’t going to die then I should do something. So I grabbed my paper and pen and tried to write what I was experiencing, my body still feeling very heavy.
On reflection and consideration of personal development since then I suspect the button event was some representation of the battle between the ego and my true self. The one who was afraid of action, effort and responsibility was not me at all but my ego that would rather die than endure the suffering of life.
Below are both the original writings and their digital rewrites for easier reading. The originals include some imagery and interesting writing style choices, so I recommend looking at them side by side. I have made some minor effort to try and make some sentences easier to understand and in the rewrite changed a few words, but mostly left it as is.
Thank you for reading. I will try and write a follow up post in the near future on the more personal changes from the experience that have been quite notable to me.
Pg 1
I would say I feel a lot heavier like my movements take a lot more effort. However everything around me feels lighter. However even examining objects I can feel for their true weight and see it as the same. I think it only feels lighter relative to myself which feels heavier. The main struggle is within, everything outside is easier, lighter at least relatively speaking.
Though I would describe this weight as the difficulty of coordinating. The enlarged writing style and such is reflective of the difficulty the self has in expressing itself through all the weight of the body and its ego.
[Because I felt heavier relative to objects, it was difficult to coordinate my writing
]
The greater weight had to be mastered, thus in my actions the relative power or effort required is not as well judged leading to messy writing. In fact I would say I do not actually normally put any thought into my handwriting at all. I suppose this reflects the immense effort that goes into the mere subconscious processes that maintain a style of handwriting. I would describe my internal laughter as due to an appreciation of this immense complexity and effort behind every action taken.
My writing itself feels somewhat bizarre; sometimes I don’t even look directly at the pen. It feels as if I am writing and thinking without delay between the two. This makes it hard to continue sentences as if I lift my pen to think, its original context can completely change in the time spent contemplating and not writing.
I did not realise at first writing change across a second piece of paper until now. I guess my increasingly erratic hand is not used to such speed (relatively) of thought into action. My hand feels like a mechanical machine or printing device entirely separate from my conscious mind. If I look up from the paper I will write as above. It seems to require conscious focus to get a writing style of this limited quality. The purely automatic seems far less competent.
Pg 2
I spoke of feeling heavier and at first this made it feel difficult to breather, and generally move my body. Though it is not coordinated well, I am now adjusted to the weight without birthing/breathing difficulties and such. The focus on writing is now irritating as it is painfully slow relative to the speed I am capable of. But I feel I must to this to keep my writing legible. Slower speed, that it may be easier to understand. I keep hearing background noise from the attic much like the occasional bird but constant. Since I have wondered several times whether ‘friend’ was coming up to the ladder it sounded as such. Potential time. Point of entry time is not certain it is relative to the body.
The weight of the body does not include time. TIME is relatively light compared to the body and consciousness, it is managed by thought processes not the other way around.
My writing is so ridiculously slow right now it takes a great deal of will to not let my hand perform a
a
[While writing I felt an urge to finish the lines of text as fast as possible, here I stop retraining myself and just end up drawing a line
with the next word I write as you will see above.
]
Expectation and context controls the bodies perception of time.
My actual mind seems blank. Even the brain cannot compute thoughts as fast as consciousness can input*. The efforts of incarnating is due to the slow down and focus of consciousness allowing it to be properly applied.
Otherwise the process is sooo fast it will counter-intuitively take longer to do anything as it cannot do so through physicality, yet it is the experience of the physical that develops consciousness fastest.
*This is why people draw colour lines, they cannot interpret but they feel the love and need to express it. I cannot even explain anymore the reason for my happiness. My vehicle is too inferior to process the input.
[I am referring here to my friends’ experience in which they said all light sources were very bright and they were compelled to draw coloured lines on paper
]
pg 3
Writing effort is so hard my sentences and words are not even always written chronologically. As said, time is relative to consciousness.
[Ironically most of my writing from here on was written chronologically
]
The body in its slowness has undeniable urges to express such joy in more understandable ways such as creative acts and art. Bu at its core it is all the same thing, LOVE at creation being expressed.
I can see what is going on now just as I had to learn to breath this experience is showing me the lessons of how to be incarnate. Breathing at first as a child, understanding, and then becoming linked to the consciousness more purely, still it cannot express itself properly until it matures and learns how to do so in its new vehicle.
(No time as perceived) The process of aging, why though, consciousness is always the same age*, but like riding a bike the consciousness needs time/ or rather the body does in order to learn. *(relatively speaking, spiritual maturity is the only way to measure age and even then cycles)
Because of this early childhood learning is important.*
Example of creative thought speed, I cannot even explain right now the reason for writing the above sentence.
*You’re refining the process of how to output creative stuff in an understandable manner, if met with undeserved negativity this can cause the child to see such a way of expression as bad. Creative energy can then instead fuel negative habits.
I really wish I would stop focusing on writing and just enjoy myself and embrace the creative energy I feel. But I feel I must try and convey some of it in a way my vehicle can compute and thus use to better develop me as a consciousness spiritually.
[It is here that I take a quick break. In this time I turn off the lights and look around in the darkness. After this experience I made drawing 1.
]
Pg 3 draw 1
I indulged for a moment. Even in darkness I could see.
Future focus relative to us.
Drawing 1
Background/no light
Filaments of light everywhere
Consciousness/ bright lights vary, its the potential of consciousness the cosmic battle, shrinking, growing all through experience.
Conscious specks dim but visible in the darkness
(Yin)
(Yang)
entropy, nonbeing
[It seems I have Yin and Yang on the wrong side relative to entropy/nonbeing and creation. This may be an example of my own lack of knowledge affecting the message. Though, it does bring to mind the black dot in the white side and the white dot in the black side of the Yin and Yang symbol. Each are connected to one another and are part of each other. After all at this point in time we are STS beings, hopefully striving towards STO.
]
Pg 4
No time) finding one part find the whole.
That is why there is no paradox the consciousness is eternal. So it needs no creation.
Time or the past and such is the conscious universe in its whole looking at itself or rather within itself and thus sees how it could have progressed.
All potential.
It’s us looking back that creates us, we are in that sense our own creators.
We at the universal level CHOOSE to look back and reflect on ourselves which is what as with quantum probability manifests our current conscious experiences.
Not even sure how I got that.
Literal looking glass. Us in future (relative) looking through glass to our past selves.
It is us.
So non-consciousness chooses not to look back and thus their past is nothing but chaotic uncertainty to reach that future state of nothingness.
So long term we are heading back up the looking glass as it were.
[Perhaps ‘through’ would be more appropriate
]
Forum, share, network.
Because we are all, we need to form connections to become all in the future. Importance of networking. Communication.
Pg 5
Starting as it began, no ending. I in my vehicle, fall down to sleep in a tired state. But in death return to a full conscious state and away from the body. Birth is learning to use it.
Looking back at the paths. Afterlife consciousness still developing. You’re Conscious level is similar to your bodies, via context and stuff that shapes your surroundings.
Lessons are about learning to process this creative energy, expressing it up until you become it. 7th level.
We want to know what we are.
Truth.
So lies are not what we are.
If we lie about ourselves and get consumed in lies we are not truth. To be truth we must persevere and fight against lies and false selves in order to answer the question that was asked the same one that many on earth ask
WHO AM I?
Reaching for truth, it’s a long journey
It was the journey that mattered, no. The whole matters. But the whole says the journey is part of me, that also matters, what was it? That is why the journey matters because we look at it and thus give it value.
Must share/place time
[Telling myself to share my experience
]
1st various heavens, afterlife is what you are ready for, see truth more clearly 7th.
[This last line of text is written as if ascending, through densities and levels of consciousness. The better you are at seeing the truth the closer you get to 7th
]
[The oddly drawn question mark resembles an appendage reaching for the dot. ‘Reaching for truth’
]
Pg 6
Broke off to go to loo. Body controls loose fitting as it were.
Experience*
Even small parts of life can lead to significant transformation.
*At first I saw no lesson in my journey downstairs, I was just going to write an account of it, but in doing so in awareness, cosmic truths were revealed.
I wanted to say I think, but at some level I know (universal truth), though in expressing through my body there is danger of miscommunication or misleading like in Chinese whispers. Thus we in the NOW must search for truth ourselves.
7th) We the truth searchers ask in truth, who am I?
But at the same time we are those who ask in truth the same question, for how could it be otherwise?
This is very funny. Comment: Is this higher us sense of humour?
We are both looking at each other through the looking glass.
Future we only look for potential. Calling the past. Now we are the ones who pick up the phone. We think we are calling out to C’s but they are calling to us. Ha Ha Ha :) :)
[I found all these writings and thoughts very amusing at the time as may be obvious
]
That is the trick to rapid conscious development. Understanding where you came from now. Current incarnation, past incarnations, understanding the path from matter to tree, tree to bird, mammal to man, allows you to contemplate the next step and thus connect with yourself in the future.
Pg 7
There is a lessons limit that when you reach it you are ready to move on. You fully look back. When you fully look back on yourself in 3rd density and see you for what you are that is when you can be 4th density. For really you are 4th density you, looking back analyzing 3rd density you, previously insinuated, point of realization.
I am not learning many secrets about my specific contextual situation but I am being reminded of who I am and who I can be.
However
[However is crossed out
]
no excuses
It reminds me of why I should try and not just give up, we strive for union with the one, union with ourselves and thus everything.
When we truly see ourselves then we can also truly see others.
Hypocrisy is a sign of problems, or warning of danger.
When you ask why, the darkness calls saying why not this or that (1*) isn’t it great, isn’t it grand, and down, and down, you go shrinking smaller and smaller.
[1*: while writing the sentence my hand was drawn down the page and then into a spiral representing the descent back into primal matter via STS. I couldn’t help but notice a visual resemblance to the reverse Reiki ‘power symbol’ in the Wave chapter 17.
]
Must fight, break out of circle of despair.
Cycle trap, this is what STS wants, or rather doesn’t/ it does not want the pain of knowing and thus would rather sleep itself into nonexistence. Not exactly painfully but tragic.
[Referring to STS ignoring true wants and needs of the inner self
]
[I don’t mean to say this cannot be painful. But appears in their perspective relatively less so than the hardships of knowing and being yourself in truth.
]
[Pull below referring to STS trying to pull in everyone
]
Since all are pulled and 7th density is there, we in the future say that a hero is needed, our tale cannot end there as it were, for otherwise how did we come to be. Then after a climatic [To Be Continued], where the valley of the souls journey is seemingly to be ended by the “knight” (also actual darkness) for it is we who would be our own slayers in our anti quest to not know ourselves(2*). So cosmic forces must be rumbled that we the observers lend a hand to ourselves or rather those that would be us, offer a chance for us to reach up and grasp ourselves that we might be pulled up at the last moment just when all seems lost.
[The compression of this paragraph as it runs out of space at the bottom of the page reflects the last moment salvation. Kierkegaard’s talk of the importance of the eleventh hour in ‘Purity of Heart’ comes to mind.
]
[2*: I spent a lot of time thinking over the wording of this sentence and almost decided to change it. After all surely it should be the souls journey that’s about to be ended. But in reality the soul’s journey never ends. Returning to 1st density primal matter via STS only restarts the steady climb up the ladder of consciousness.
I see valley here to mean a low point in the journey of the soul. Which would ultimately end as the soul inevitably would move on from this point whether in recovery and forward movement or devolution and destruction. Ultimately it is up to us the “knight” to move on from this point in either a positive or negative way.
]
Symbolic
Often requires a cosmic shakeup. Wave if not obvious.
Pg 8
Thus we approach the power of the observer. Should it not be obvious if you ascend by looking back, then in true observation you have power. For you see in the past what was and thus may know what must be done to stop it.
We in the future are looking back through us, so the better lenses we are for viewing the truth the better divine aid or rather creative energies can be channeled through us/change the story.
Do not pieces of fiction go through the editor (higher levels) several times before publishing?
If we ignore our surroundings and self then we will consign ourselves to an unhappy end, in essence refusing the help of our editors/not that we would ever be so direct.
The editors want a good story, for it to be a financial success. But the writer too must want to succeed and be willing to accept his mistakes and unnecessary side plots in order to create a masterpiece. Diamond in the rock-consciousness
[I have personal issues with not being direct particularly with conversation, in what I perceive as an attempt to avoid responsibility for my thoughts.
]
Struggling to convey point here
Don’t look outside for salvation or saviour figure look within.
[When writing about salvation/saviour figure I had some thoughts ‘don’t expect Laura to carry all the baggage.’ In addition to some warning that how I would write it at the time could be negatively interpreted or misread as an anti Laura statement. Since as noted I was struggling to convey my points for the above paragraphs I decided against writing it at the time. But I would explain the idea now as, it’s ok to look up to others for guidance and help but they cannot do everything for you. You need to do your part.
]
Disney Hercules) True measure of a hero is the strength of one’s heart
look inside
[Archetypal heroes like Perseus come to mind
]
If you are not strong within then your external strength is but a facade and as temporary as your body. Build your house on the rock.
Pg 9
No fast and easy route. Well pure consciousness is fast but you will be lucky to register even the pebbles beneath your feet at such speeds. Being faster than matter can make it hard to relate to it. Much better to slow down smell the air and grass.
One can wiz around in the joy of creation, but one can also pause for a moment to look at and try to define the essence of this thing that brings them joy. Through creative pieces of art and other such things. In making such things others and hopefully you yourself will look on such things to explore their meaning.
As above how below.
Trying to explain the joy of creation is similar to 7th density us looking at us. In trying to define and express it you must bring it to its basic parts. 3rd level colours, grand art pieces.
But as you go higher and as lenses of truth you can peer deeper and creatively express things more deeply so at 4th level you can do this through creating material life and its components.
Thus life is you in the future asking how I came to be in doing so cause its creation in such a manner.
STO consciousness will help to elevate willing consciousness as they themselves work towards union with the one.
I hope I share this. (Send
)
[If you are reading this hopefully it means I shared it.
]
Mind starting to descend in to matter about this point.
Pg 10
Starting to feel mopy. Getting back to the old (infinite) grumpy material vehicle. But such things are important analytical machines, sophisticated computers we use to pear inside ourselves. Ironic as we would normally think of consciousness inhabiting our bodies whereas it’s a creation of our consciousness that we peer through like some microscope. It is laughable to think an infinite consciousness could even fit into a finite molecular machine. Rather it connects, as with a radio, making it unnecessary for us to squeeze in skin suits like Slitheen (Doctor Who monster).
[I used to watch a lot of Doctor Who
]
We build the various machines to better inspect ourselves. I am getting the idea that there may appear some contradiction as to the reason for machine origins but at its core it is all the same. Looking for understanding of oneself, which leads to efforts to express creative energies to reach that understanding.
[The possibly perceived contradiction in my mind was with pg 8 and mention of 4th density creating material life as expression of creative energy
]
Grandfather paradox might be a problem in a material cosmic void, but for the infinite and eternal divine cosmic mind it is but an amusing thought, or dangerous what if. STS trying to destroy the thought of something greater than themselves, must hide in lies and anti spiritualist propaganda.
[ Descent of text represents the downward pull of STS. ‘What if’ in the sense of purely materialistic thought and abandoning spirituality.
]
Pg 11
I am getting back to myself. I would describe the experience as feeling this connection and creative energies. In my view they are not able to be properly comprehended by the human body. I had as mentioned a strong impulse to merely draw lines with my pen across the sheets. But I suppose I was determined to use my vehicle as best as I could to convey certain things that came to me or through me.
Whilst I would have liked to indulge and simply enjoy the euphoric experience, we chose to take these vehicles. To continually exist in such a state while incarnate would contradict the entire purpose of incarnation.
I guess the experience felt like a general shake up or reminder of reality, I went in hoping for some more practical insight into my personal issues and ego and such things. But instead I came out comforted and better informed on things I had not been clear on. It reminded me that I have to face my own problems myself in order to reach myself in the future, but also reminded me of why I should try.
I have some thoughts that dead timelines are kind of like drafts that did not make the final cut. But good pieces may be incorporated into the final work. I am just noting this as I had previously been thinking about how myself and other timeline me’s worked.
On explaining the happiness, I would say it was initially understanding the immense complexity and effort of the body required for breathing and other basic thing. But then over time as stated I could no longer logically convey the reasoning behind the sensation. Besides the occasional points of information about cosmic reality that were viewed as very funny in the moment, particularly the idea of both us and our future selves being truth seekers and finding each other through that act.
Draw 1) I drew it after succumbing to the urge to embrace the creative energy for a moment and turning off the lights. At first it appeared dark but then I saw small blue lights. I could also see even smaller lines in the air. I did this a second time before finishing the drawing. The second time was more dark with the light filaments being more apparent this time. There were many of them but they appeared to be organised in patterns. Order vs chaos, or rather vs nothingness.
Pg 12
Towards the beginning and first few pages I could hear in my mind various music playing.
When writing on STS things I would feel a downward pull sensation leading to a descent of words. Such sensations is what led to the spiral sentence on pg 7.
The spiral looks somewhat like the reiki symbol.
[explored on page 7
]
[Thank you for reading.
]