Well, FWIW, I’d like to share a journal entry and some details of a dream I had last night. I’d appreciate any feedback to see if I’m doing this right or not. If the mods find anything that violates the rules in this post, please edit or delete it (or whatever you see fit).
I wrote this before I did 3-stage breathing and, I think, six recitations of the POTS. I also took some melatonin before I wrote this. Went to bed at around nine, woke up at about five-thirty.
~~
5/5/10
Today was all right. It just didn’t seem like I got anything done… drifting from one distraction to the next, not really remembering my self, not really reading much either. Did I learn anything new? Maybe just refreshers, but no life-changing insight I can recall.
I did [speed] read about J’s experience with MMS, and how he had begun to doubt the group as well as himself. The question was [paraphrasing]: if they did not debunk MMS until recently, then what about gluten, the C’s, etc.? How do you know it’s true?
I know that nothing can be completely “true” in this reality – we all have our blindspots and sacred cows – but it really pointed out the fact that I have done little critical thinking or research of my own. I guess that makes me a “true believer”. I’m actually afraid of doing my own research; I keep fearing that I’ll believe something that’s not true, and I’ll make a mistake later … No, I’m lying. I think I’m just afraid of having to do actual work to prove something to be true, as true as something can be right now. I keep writing crap that takes hours of work for school, yet I don’t commit myself to researching gluten, channeling, psychopathy in the government… maybe I’m just afraid of not finding something, or that something I’ve known from SOTT could not be supported by whatever Google gives me.
Maybe I believe too much without question because of my gullibility; I used to be a new age freak on Crystalinks, after all. I just wanted to escape my family life… I still do, but what the group has taught me has kept my impulses under better control.
I hold an emotional attachment to the ideas there. After I discovered nihilism, I wondered, “What’s the point?” Then I found an answer that made sense: to learn. This idea has kept me from ending my life. After all: If your lessons carry on with you, why waste more time trying to realize that All is Lessons all over again? Why waste this opportunity where I actually know something?
I still don’t quite understand exactly what I should be learning now. How can I be a good STO Candidate? I keep thinking that the only reason I want to do this is because I want to escape the fate of 4D STS: recycling back to 1st Density. Then again, why would I want to become the things that cause so much misery?
It’s strange; whenever I think about things like this, my heartbeat goes up. It’s like I feel guilty, anxious, and stressed about something at the same time. Maybe it’s the melatonin.
All that said: What is it I must learn now? What am I doing wrong? Is there any specific subject I should try to gain knowledge in to enhance soul growth?
Do asking these questions make any difference at all? I keep feeling pressured by the “cutoff point” remark; I know that in this life, as in every, opportunities will cease (what with the government being insane and the ice age), yet they also said that one shouldn’t worry so much about time, and that we have eternity to learn… or some approximation of that. Perhaps I feel that way because I’ve been burdened by time; deadlines, if you don’t make it or turn it in on time, we will hate you and punish your lazy self, and other programs.
Maybe I expect too much of the Universe to have these questions answered all at once; some things you just need to experience for yourself.
M’kay, so what do I need to experience for soul growth? How about a few hints on what I should be focusing on now? You know I don’t mind repeated dreams if the content is important!
~~Dream
- In a fast food place, either working there or looking for a job
-My father came to take me back home while chatting on his cell phone, but I shouted obscenities at him and ran off to a freeway [no, I don’t like him in real life, either]
-Looking in a store window, wanting to buy something but not having the money? It looked like some vinyl record sleeve.
- Doing homework in class (it actually looked more like a lobby with some desks and a whiteboard), a girl (who looked a bit like my younger self, although with darker skin) asked how I got all my work done. I said, “I got it done early!”
- Sister and mother came to bring me home shortly after
- At a dental office, it was mentioned that free copies of some program from SOTT was given out as samples. People seemed to like it (I had a mini-flashback of pregnant women laughing), and I thought it might be a good place to distribute the EE program
- Looking something up on some computer-like device, it may have been the record sleeve or some constellation, I can’t remember
-There might have been some landscape map that took me from one scenario to another, but that may have been from another dream as well
~~
Yep, my dreams are weird, and I could barely remember this one when I woke up this morning. I also have a problem of confusing events in different dreams for real events, and vice versa.
I’m not quite sure how much of this relates to what I wrote about last night, though. I have been thinking about getting a job, or at least to volunteer somewhere in which I could directly distribute info about EE, since I haven’t found any people who couldn’t buy the program within walking distance. Laura said that we should wait until we get results from the teachers in NYC, and then we could use them as selling points on posters (so that they’re less likely to get ripped off from the walls). So, I feel a bit useless to the project until I can do this.
Any thoughts on this? Does it look like I’m doing dream work right? I can’t really afford to buy a new book (I still have loads of others to read, anyways), so I’m just getting advice from the internet. But if I can, I will order the book Ana suggested. :)
Thank you so much for starting this thread. :)