Confused emotions/denying death programs

[D Rusak]

My grandmother, who has been in pretty good physical health her entire life, recently had a stroke. She has recovered well but is in pain. She has been somewhat weary of life for some time now, especially since my grandfather passed away about ten years ago. I talked with her today, and she clearly does not want to live. I've offered to help out, either living with her, or just stopping by to visit, cook a meal, run errands, and the like. She does not want anyone to visit, and is counting off the days "oh, there's nothing anyone can do for me", "just waiting for the end".

My family has never been a close one, especially on that side of the family (where suicides/"accidental" deaths, alcoholism, and verbal and physical abuse were VERY present). I'm also the black sheep of the family in a way, choosing an artistic career (without any emotional OR financial support, mind you) over a more lucrative one in the sciences, or other field. On the other hand, my grandmother's situation is not so precarious as to expect her to pass away any day now, and I want to offer support if I can. I know we can't ever really make up for lost time, but I'd like to share her stories and do what I can to make things easier. She made it very clear that she did not want any help from me. I let her know that if there was anything I could do, to let me know, and left it at that.

Like all things, if people do not want help, or are not seeking something, we have to respect that, we can't just force feed them love or information or whatever. I just don't know at what point we should intercede if at all, especially towards a life/death situation. I also am very confused. My first instinct was to cry (I maintained my composure during the phone call), and I had to excuse myself from work for a few minutes to recover in the bathroom. But at the same time this other part of me said, "Well, maybe she should just die then. She doesn't seem to be enjoying life." That of course made me feel even more horrible, but then I was confused if this was just a program that we get from society. I know that it quite possibly may be less painful for her to be alive, but I think part of why I was so sad was the realization that she had no drive to do so, couldn't think of a reason to do so, or something she could be doing or trying to learn about life. I am nowhere near 82 years old, so I have no idea what it is like to be reflecting on things at that point. She very well might be better off- beats a meteor shower and the lizzies!

I feel very confused about this whole thing, whether this idea of "keeping people alive at all costs no matter what their pain is" (and my grandmother is not terminally ill by any means, this is just what my ideas led to), and "people shouldn't want to die" idea are just programs that are fostered onto us. I mean, once I started to SEE things even a little bit, I almost felt the same sort of hopelessness about life, except that I felt this urge to learn more and more, and see if there wasn't anything that could be done about it.

Also, another program that I just realized I might have been running was maintaining my composure on the phone. I don't know if I was really being externally considerate, if what really what my grandmother/needed wanted was not to hear me upset as well. In my family the general vibe is to repress most emotions, especially on that side, which is particularly stoic, so we do that all of the time anyway.

Anyway, just musings. Thoughts?

 

[Snowalker]

Hi D,

While I can't tell you what would be right for your situation I can relate what I went through leading up to my moms death last May. Perhaps you may find something useful.

I am one of four children, two older sisters and a younger brother. We all had a particularly stressful experience growing up because our dad died when we were young ( I was nine) and our mom was committed to a mental hospital for six years after his death. The family was reunited when she got out but the resentment towards the loss of our dad not to mention our mom for those six plus years had affected all of us to one degree or another. I was the only one who was able to grow into a peer relationship with her and that put me in the position to be her prime caregiver during the last years of her life. It also gave me the opportunity to work through my issues with her by putting into practice the things that I have learned.

One of the primary struggles I had to deal with was my moms relationship with doctors and pharmaceuticals. It started with severe bone loss due to the anti-psychotics she was given in the mental hospital. Thorasine was the big one back then and while it may have helped her mental condition it also turned her bones to swiss cheese. Thus began the downward spiral of back pain, pain killers, back operations, more pain killers and then everything went to shit as they say. The end result was a myriad of disease symptoms and a drug for every one of them. There were days when I was filling weekly pill boxes with upwards of eighteen different medications.

I was helping them poison my mother but I had no recourse. Non of my siblings thought giving her all these drugs was a problem at all and talking to her doctor was like talking greek to and English sheep dog. The worst of it, of course, was that my mom didn't want to believe me either. So I had to make one of the hardest decisions which was to ALLOW my mom to live her live the way she wanted to even though I believed it was shortening her life.

When I came to that realization everything changed. I was no longer in conflict with my siblings and our relationships improved. I was able to talk with my mom about all manner of things because I no longer needed her to do what I wanted. It was amazing how my ability to simply listen and hear improved. She told me her stories and I told her mine and I learned more about her in that last year then I would have ever thought possible. All because I was willing to let go of what I wanted and focus on what she needed.

When it came down to those final weeks I heard the same thing you are hearing. "I just want to die." "Tell people not to visit." She even asked me at one point to help her die. But all the while I just kept coming to see her and listening or telling her stories because THAT is all she really wanted. If I had assumed she really didn't want anyone to visit, hers, mine and everybody else's loss would have been incalculable.

Your Grandmother is still alive and has stories to tell. You might want to just drop in on occasion and see if she has something to say. I'm willing to bet she does.

Jim

 

[Ruth]

In my family the general vibe is to repress most emotions, especially on that side, which is particularly stoic, so we do that all of the time anyway.
Anyway, just musings. Thoughts?

If your Grandmother comes from that side of the family, the wish she expressed to die may be a cry for help, which perhaps she is too 'proud' to ask for directly.

People tend to forget just how lonely, depressed and isolated our elderly get, especially when they are living in fear of becoming a 'burden' on their families due to some disease or disability, and in many cases are cursed with far too pain than a person should really have to put up with - which is usually from athritis.

I suppose the only thing a person can do is just 'be there' for them, maybe checking in on them a couple of times a week and trying to 'reconnect' them to the community. This isn't a job you should have to do on your own. Hopefully she has a support network of friends and has had hobbies in the past, like things she used to enjoy. Whilst these things shouldn't be forced on her, you'd be surprised how many people (especially if they are friends of hers) would be willing to do a few odd jobs for her and to encourage her feel part of the community again. At the same time 'checking up on her' to see that's she alright.

Depending on her eyesight you could try introducing her to a new hobby, maybe the internet, or provide her with materials from an old hobby, one she used to enjoy.

Everyone goes through crises through their life when they feel like they just want to die. It's very easy to feel isolated, especially if one is elderly and incapacitated, and it sure doesn't make it easier. Just do what you can, ask for assistance/advice from her friends, make sure her pain is taken care of (medications ect) and try to pretend that its not too much of a 'big deal' - even though it is. People are often proud and can feel ashamed of being in such a vulnerable state. Sometimes pretending that its not a crisis and providing support with simple things; calms them and makes them feel more in control. Its the little things that can often get too much for us, at times.

I hope you manage to find someone in the local area to confide in and help with supporting your Grandmother through this difficult time. Because it's better with two people, and I don't think you should have to face something like this on your own.

 

[D Rusak]

Hi,

Thanks for the replies. I guess I sort of got wishful thinking in a way, recalling what Martha Stout wrote about her grandmother in the intro to The Myth of Sanity. I wish she lived a fufilling and meaningful life, and picked her time to depart when she was ready. "I wish" is such a silly phrase/mindset. Heck, "I" don't even have an I!

Considering that she is depressed, but quite possibly is from a lifelong/genetic standpoint in addition to that expressed by old age (I guess growing up I never really thought about it- but perhaps the moroseness of that side of the family, repression of emotions, etc. could be partly due to that), I suppose I never really thought of it as a cry for help. I was being very literal, I guess! I tend to automatically think, if someone says something, that's what they mean. I suppose that really isn't being the most empathetic, this sort of thing is very confusing to me at times. She is very isolated, being the last one of her generation in her area, which now has a lot of younger families. We've tried to find her a hobby for years, but she claims no more than a passing interest in anything. Gosh, what a warning sign, I don't know how I didn't see this. I recall before when we tried to get her interested in something, we asked her what she did before, while her kids were growing up, or afterwards when they had grown older. And she always said, oh, just taking care of the house and kids, and watching everyone grow up, and then watching my siblings and I (her grandchildren) grow up. That's pretty much it- no interest in reading, art/music/other culture, sports, etc. I honestly don't know what she does all day, I suppose she watches some TV, maybe reads the paper though not so much any more with failing eyesight. She definitively refuses to learn the computer. Her two children stop by as frequently as they can (one works about 15 minutes from her). I physically live about an hour away, but once I factor in public transportation and my bike, it takes a good 3-4 hours. However, there are times when I pass through the area, occasionally with a car, and that is when I'd hoped to see her. Maybe I will just drop by without asking- perhaps that really IS what she wants, but for various reasons, she just isn't saying it. I guess there's this whole self-sustaining meme, not asking for help, that all of us in my family (along with many others) seem to have running.

It is hard when you want someone you care about to really see things as they are, to change their mindset to a more healthy and interested one, but we can't really do anything about it unless they want to change themselves. I feel like I just keep banging myself over the head with this one, but "knowing" this doesn't make me really "understand" it. And jeez, I feel like a cad for not even realizing that I don't really know anything about her, didn't think about many of these things before. There's a lot more thinking I have to do, but at least now I have some questions to ponder that I didn't before, that could lead in a positive direction. Thanks, guys.

 

[Ryan]

It is hard when you want someone you care about to really see things as they are, to change their mindset to a more healthy and interested one, but we can't really do anything about it unless they want to change themselves. I feel like I just keep banging myself over the head with this one, but "knowing" this doesn't make me really "understand" it. And jeez, I feel like a cad for not even realizing that I don't really know anything about her, didn't think about many of these things before.

What stands out for me (based on what you wrote) is that this event seems to have suddenly "switched on" your interest in her somehow. You mentioned not being too close to her, and yet in your first post you were wondering about "interceding" in some way. The impression I get is that you weren't that close, and yet now suddenly seem to be hyper-emotional about her. Is that correct?

Obviously, if someone doesn't want to "choose life", then there's nothing you can do or say to influence the situation, but maybe there's a lesson here for you in seeing and dealing with your own reactions and possibly suppressed/repressed emotions? Is this the first time you've been confronted with probable death in a "close and personal" sort of way?

 

[T.C.]

Hi D.

Are there any support groups for stroke victims where you are? When something you would consider "wouldn't happen to you" does, it can feel like it has only ever happened to you, and it can be helpful to find people who've been through the same thing.

My mum had a brain haemorrhage which left her with the effects of a stroke. But she found a day centre/support group called Second Chance. On top of the support, activities, different environment and company, she saw people who were a lot worse off than her and it gave her a different view of her own problem.

She doesn't go any more but I'm sure it's helped her deal with what has happened to her.