"As For My Girls, I'll Raise Them To Think They Breathe Fire."

Chaze

Jedi
I want to get slightly personal here, and I hope this resonates well with the parents, or soon to be parents on this forum, or anyone who could potentially lend some words of advice and/or encouragement.

I am currently helping to raise a young lady, aged 9, through quite possibly one of the roughest periods of her life. Her biological father just recently committed suicide, and her young heart and mind is conflicted. I have found letters and drawings hidden throughout her room that expresses the confusion and hurt that has lodged itself into her fragile psyche. And here recently, she has asked me some rather difficult questions that require incredibly thought out and carefully articulated answers.

"Are you going to be my "step" dad now?"
"You're not going to leave me too, are you?"
"My daddy loved me, didn't he?"

These are tough questions to answer. And this particular situation has birthed a level of responsibility I have never before faced. But I too was a child taken away from a parent, so I know the pain she feels, as it is all too familiar.

I don't want her to grow up in a state of the world as it currently is, but I don't get to choose how the world operates. I don't want to lie to her either, about anything. So the best thing I know to do from my current understanding is to begin to prepare her. Day by day, I've began to introduce her to simplified concepts of how the world works around her, and how she is going to be viewed and treated by most people. (Particularly men..) Of course, doing this for a 9 year old is a challenge in itself.. And I pray that I am doing this the right way.

I've began to teach her about the unspoken, unwritten (but overwhelmingly evident and omnipresent) series of cultural codes and behavioral guidelines that the majority of people like to follow. I'm teaching her how men view women in this day and age. With the advent of apps such as Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram, etc., hyper-sexualization is RAMPANT, especially amongst young and impressionable girls. Boys/perverted men are going to look at her as an object, a possession, if she so allows.

I'm training her to understand that she isn't merchandise. The world is going to tell her that it's her image, her sex appeal that gives her her worth. That her heart must be nourished with only trivialities. Her spirit should be maintained by competing with others of her same gender in order to attract a "buyer". I'm trying my absolute best to teach her that it is her mind, her ideas of herself and her place in this world that is her greatest feature. Her weapon.

But how do you teach a 9 year old to understand that 24 hours out of the day, 365 days out of the year, from this moment on ~ while she is at school, online, venturing through town, or wherever she goes in life ~ that she will be confronting these challenges simply because she is a girl? And finding out she is traumatized only brings the wolves in closer.. So I must guide her to be rebellious, but in an intelligent and pragmatic way. That requires immense character, and a great level of fearlessness. I am sure that I can instill this into her. I can make her strong.

But what I don't know how to do is tell her about the state of the world without scaring her to death. How do I translate this for such a young mind? I can't leave her in the dark, her life has enough darkness right now as it is... But I must prepare her on all fronts.

I don't want to fail her. I can't.
 
I'm not a parent, but here are a few ideas:


- What is important is balance. If you tell her this world view women as merchandise, good, but show her the other side. You could introduce her to the life of women (and men)who followed their own path without abandonning their true Selves. Inspiring stories, legends, will make her more grounded, less fearful and she will get good role models. Also, myths and legends convey the message that yes, there is evil, there is pain, but goodness and light are also present, if you only allow them to have a place in your heart. That great men and women are those who have a good heart and clear mind. Show her how much beauty there is in this world, it will help her deal with its dark sides.

I think it wouldn't hurt to tell her that we live in a particulary dark time, that the culture is corrupted and that it won't last, that she must have courage.

There is a thread on the forum about films, books, art, that depict women in a positive way, you should have look, there are a few things for kids.

- A good lesson to teach young adolescents is that you can be part of a group, you can have friends, all of that without renouncing to who you are. The peer pressure will be strong for her in the years to come, so the earlier she understand that, the better.

- As for perverted men and boys who are lurking around... honestly, telling her the state of things will scare her at first, but she will be able to trust her guts, she will more easily sense when a situation is abnormal. She's a too young now, but when she grows a bit, we have an awsome list of romance books on this forum. Mary Balogh especially, is extremely talented at describing human interactions, what motivates people, how life is when you are a man, when you are a woman, when you are rich, poor, an outcast, etc.. and how you can find your own path in life, even in dire circumstances.

- If your finances allow it and she agrees, seeing a child-therapist to help her recover from her father's suicide would be beneficial IMHO.

- As for hyper dimensional phenomena... I'd let a few hints there and there that we may not be so alone in the universe, that entities can influence you if you let them, that she has a Soul that should be protected... But I wouldn't press the issue too much.

hope that helps.
 
But what I don't know how to do is tell her about the state of the world without scaring her to death. How do I translate this for such a young mind? I can't leave her in the dark, her life has enough darkness right now as it is... But I must prepare her on all fronts.

I'd say you shouldn't view this as some kind of do or die major test for you, because you'd be setting the bar too high and in that way risking feeling like you failed. While young, she is still and will always be her own person.

I'd say that right now she needs comfort, patience and empathy while also encouraging her to keep living her life, and answers to those 3 questions, which are pretty simple if you are in a position to answer them positively.

As for her general development, that's a years-long process given her age, and I think the best impact you can have on her is by example, i.e. if her mother is still in her life and you are in a relationship with her mother, then the way you interact with her mother and the way her mother interacts with you and the way both of you interact with her will be most important in terms of what she learns about herself and relationships. Of course, those examples can and should all be supported by talks you have with her when the need arises.
 
Hi Chazek. If you choose to take care of her, there are no if's and but's. Try to see it from her perspective, it is an emotional question, not a rational one. It is a very beautiful thing to to, grab your chance.
Better than pointing out dangers in the world is showing how you deal with those. And no, never lie.
 
I appreciate all of this.

I’ll admit, I get overwhelmed from time to time, because she likes to ask me big questions that I wouldn’t expect from someone so young. And right now, her view of the world is slighter darker than other kids her age, or at least within her peer group. Which influences some of those questions she likes to ask me. (About heaven, hell, angels, demons, where we go when we die, where is her father at, etc..)

There are behavioral issues I’m learning to deal with also, but we’ve found some pretty healthy ways to help her release the anger. (Gymnastics has worked best so far.) And the fact that I’ve never had a biological child of my own—therefore never fully experiencing the processes of parenting from birth/infancy—to suddenly having such a responsibility, I feel like I started reading a manual on “how to do life”, only that I skipped the first few chapters.
 
I am not a mother but I am a therapist and I am also in my own process of healing my inner child and what I would say is to be present with that little girl, really look at her, be honest with her for example in the questions she asks you, if you don't know the answers say so and tell her that you can look for the answer together or ask her what she thinks.

Another suggestion is to give her the information as she asks and give her information according to her age.
If possible find a therapist to help her deal with her dad's suicide.

Be patient, empathetic to her.

And be good to yourself if sometimes you don't know what to do or don't have the answers to everything.


Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)
 
Hi, I've never met my father, disappeared before my birth... So, I know the pain she may feel :hug2:
ChazeK, if you're to undertake this responsability, please don't forget "karmic and simple understandings", she sure has her own path/lessons to learn and you only can really help in her free will's limits. With that being said, the simple fact that you ,with all you've learned, are present in her life, seems a good starting point! Cheers!
 
I don't want to fail her. I can't.

Hello ChazeK,

Hey just be careful in the way you identify with her experience similar to yours. Be honest and objective with yourself first and keep in mind that no one has put that responsibility on your shoulders or entrusted you with a mission to take it personally that if at any given time, she makes a different decision, it is because you have failed.

Joe has been very accurate in his words:
I'd say you shouldn't view this as some kind of do or die major test for you, because you'd be setting the bar too high and in that way risking feeling like you failed. While young, she is still and will always be her own person.
I'd say that right now she needs comfort, patience and empathy while also encouraging her to keep living her life.

Bet on her own strength just as you were able to develop yours. Now she has a long way to go.

3 questions, which are pretty simple if you are in a position to answer them positively.

What you do not tell her, she will listen outside in infinite possible ways and against what you tell her and generating the pertinent effects, however cruel, necessary to expand her knowledge about the world. Try to be the best version of yourself as an example for her, there are problems that start when a child begins to look outside for what she doesn't have at home, but beware of molding her by identifying with the need to take care of her not to go through what life has in store for her to learn as well.
 
This is a song by a Italian-Venezuelan composer, I'm sure some of you have heard it. I kept thinking about what you wrote because even though I don't have children, I don't want to have them and I have never had that desire, but I do know what it is like to want to be for a child the way they were not for you, to tell them what you wanted to hear instead of just being ignored or scolded senselessly. A parent doesn't have to have stopped living to be "absent", the pain is still exponential. I leave you the lyrics of the song, it addresses the issue in a general way as to what I was referring to "looking outside for what they don't have at home" but in case it helps you catalyze and and contemplate other things.

It is not enough

It is not enough
To bring them into the world because it is obligatory
Because they are the basis of marriage
Or because you made a mistake in the account

It is not enough
To take them to school so that they can learn
Because life is getting harder and harder
To be what your father couldn't be

It's not enough
That you've given him so little affection
All because of the damn job
And time

It's not enough
Because when he wanted to talk about a problem
You said to him: child it'll be tomorrow, it's too late
I'm tired

It's not enough
Buy him everything he wanted to buy
The new car before he graduated
To live what you haven't lived

It's not enough
To think you're an excellent parent
Because that's what people tell you
Your children never lack anything

It's not enough
Because when he wanted to talk to you about sex
Your face got all flushed with color
And you left

It's not enough
Because if I had a problem
I would have solved it by buying on the corner
What was there

What was there

It's not enough
To buy curious objects from him

It's not enough
When what he needs is affection
To learn to give value to things
Because you
You won't be eternal

It is not enough
Punish him for being late
If you haven't already fallen your boy's a man
Now taller and stronger
Than you
 
These are tough questions and you can do your best. you may want to focus on the questions she asked along with what Joe asked
"Are you going to be my "step" dad now?"
"You're not going to leave me too, are you?"
"My daddy loved me, didn't he?"

As for her general development, that's a years-long process given her age, and I think the best impact you can have on her is by example, i.e. if her mother is still in her life and you are in a relationship with her mother, then the way you interact with her mother and the way her mother interacts with you and the way both of you interact with her will be most important in terms of what she learns about herself and relationships. Of course, those examples can and should all be supported by talks you have with her when the need arises.
From my experience, we can teach as much as we can with best of our ability. Ultimately what they will choose is up to them at some point in future. It's their free will.
 
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