Reflections on a life of high strangeness

SlipNet

The Living Force
Following a brief exchange on the Richard Dolan thread, I decided I was going to archive my thoughts and journal musings on a 47 year journey through life, haunted by the paranormal. Now, first of all I must say this is going to be filtered slightly for pertinent information, but I will not be luridly putting my childhood on display. So just the factual info as I see it. I think I was about 43 when I finally overcame my inherent slowness of mind, when I realised that my entire life has been lived under a kind of shadow. Like I was being watched, stalked even. I was no-one special, but I was very sensitive as a kid, I remember that much. And I was also very lucky to have open-minded, liberal parents. By the age of 7 I was reading Hulk and Spiderman books, watching Hammer Horror films on late night tv, and generally just being very inquisitive. Home life was amazing, but I didn't like school much.

I provide these details just to provide you with a general backdrop, of how I was living as a cheeky young-un. Early in my life I already had experiences that were forgotten for many years, and then with my effort they were finally unearthed. Night terrors, really scary experiences late at night when all was quiet in the family home. It became a worrying pattern for a few years, and also I suffered from chronic nosebleeds as a kid too. I remember waking up screaming in the night calling for my Mother to save me from "them", who were "trying to get" me. I can recall this plain as day. This first manifested actually in 1979, so I would have been 3 or 4 at this time, before the comic books and horror films.

I was convinced some devil, some monster was trying to get me. I went through a period when I would dread going to bed at night, knowing what was coming once I fell asleep. Then, by about age 5, the night terrors ended, along with the nosebleeds, and I concentrated my mind on school, where I was struggling to fit in and blossom. Then life was fairly stable and unremarkable for a few years, until I saw a "ghost" in my Grandmother's house, would have been around 1983, so I would have been 8 or 9. It was a little white humanoid, about 4ft tall, scampering up the stairs to the attic in that old house my Gran had. It was startling, breathtaking, but I kept it to myself and told no-one that I had seen it. It was my secret, and I later in life drew pictures of my memories of the sighting. It was a very spooky moment. The way it moved was so unlike human movement, it kind of floated.

At the time, I was convinced I'd seen a ghost, but now looking back I have a different view. I had no alien reference point at that age, I knew about Dracula and Werewolves but not aliens.;-) Now, well I think I saw a 4d critter, of what description I cannot say. Undoubtedly it was a life-changing experience however! I was very proud of myself for a while back then, chuffed that I had found my first secret, and I guarded it well, never told a soul. Then the next phase of dreams came to spook me out. I kept dreaming that I was in this big, well-furnished mansion. I'd be idly walking down the corridors in my dream, before a man with no head would appear, dressed like a butler, calling out my name! My god I'd wake up scared out of my wits! I told my Dad that dream however. I think I would have been around the same time as the "ghost". My Dad, ever the pragmatist, called it a "Headless Spectre", and he told me it was nothing to worry about. That was a recurring dream for a while, and I was still happily enjoying my life otherwise, all comic books, horror and fantasy films, and early videogames. I really wasn't a troubled kid. but I was slowly gathering all these spooky experiences that I could not explain.

In the mid eighties I also developed a funny game, where I'd pretend to be a victim of an earthquake, and lie motionless under my duvet, pretending I was stuck under rubble. I recall doing this one Saturday morning in my bedroom, and I let my eyes de-focus, just stare out into the vanishing point. Then I saw it. The figure of a transparent humanoid, at least 6ft tall, walking through the window of my bedroom! I was speechless, and again I told no-one. What the hell was going on? Another unexplained slice of pure fried weirdness for my soul to contend with. I could not believe what I had seen. It only happened that once. I saw similar figures in future sightings, but never again as a kid.

By 1985-86, things changed considerably; I got into football and pop music, and became less ethereal than before, more casual, more worldly. I began to notice girls of course too. I was still an avid horror film fan however, that didn't leave me at any point. But all the spooky stuff I kinda put away in a secret place within, like my own little "Pandora's Box" of strange little oddities. Following my nervous breakdown in 2004, my journaling efforts brought these memories back to me. I had forgotten them for about 20 years! But yeah, real life took over for a few years then, when being outdoors with my buddies was the best thing to do if you wanted to have fun. Riding bikes, climbing trees (and stealing apples, lol), playing football, life was just great.:-) Those years in the mid 80's were just perfect, I have immense nostalgia for that period in my life. I looked forward to getting out of bed every day, not having a clue what sort of experience was on the horizon. I'm very thankful to my parents, they gave me structure but never condescended, I was given the freedom to grow, develop, blossom. In my journals the period 1983-1986 is noted as a particularly happy time. But more spookiness was lurking just on the horizon....

I think it would have been 1987, I was just getting used to life in High School, had been there about a year. Puberty had hit me in a very incongruous way. I was a titch, one of the smallest kids in school. But my voice had broken, so I actually had a fairly decent baritone on me, lol!:lol: It just made for an awkwardness that I struggled with till I was about 18. By this period in my life sci-fi had entered the picture. I saw "V", and absolutely loved it. I saw "Close Encounters" and was a bit confused by it, didn't really understand the film at that age. But I can still recall the breathtaking moment when the aliens were revealed. I thought that was an awesome way to end a film. So my subconscious was awash with influences by that age, and I was still absolutely fearless in watching any 18-cert film that interested me, and my parents said, "cool, we trust you". I love 'em, they've always respected my right to independence. so, anyway, that's the backdrop, now I'll head back into 1987, and very spooky experiences late at night once again.

I recall waking up from the weirdest dream experience I can ever recall having. I was lying naked on a white table in a sky blue dome, surrounded by 3 tall white humanoids with enormous heads, with no faces. Literally there was nothing there. I wasn't scared by them, but they weirded me out for obvious reasons. they were just facing me, I couldn't tell if they were staring at me because their faces were utterly blank. When I woke that morning I was in a kind of traumatised stupor. I just sat slumped in an armchair in my p-j's and robe, all messy hair and a messy mind. I said almost nothing to my family that day. I couldn't work out if it was real or not, that was the thing.:shock: Then I went down with glandular fever and missed about 2 weeks worth of school. To be honest I was happy for the break. I filed the experience away in my box, got back into playing videogames and forgot really, till my 2004 journal entries. How I managed to compartmentalise fascinating experiences into memory-holes and still lead a coherent outer life is something I marvel at. I must have great buffers is all I can say, because it wasn't too long before I had what was (to this point) the strangest experience of them all.

It was around the same time, maybe closer to the summer actually, so I think 1988 possibly. I can't be sure on this one, my memory of this is vague and my scribblings in journals don't make much sense. But it was a hot summer, and life was good. I loved videogames and was getting into hard rock music, like The Cult and Whitesnake and ZZ Top.:cool2: Lol, young and innocent days. I had a stereo where we could hook a tape recorder up to a record player, and my elder brother would record his fave tunes onto a cassette for me. Great stuff. Anyway, again no morbid doings, no mental problems, all was sweet. It was with this general backdrop that the summer unfolded. I used to think that this experience took place earlier in my life, but that's not the case. My journal's musing on this period becomes very abstract and messy and doesn't make much sense, so I'm kinda figuring this out as I think about it. I would have been 13.

Anyway I can recall this scene clear as day. I'm in my green p-j's, and have myself snugly sleeping under my blue duvet. Problem is, I'm not in bed, I'm in the ceiling talking to something in my mind which I cannot see.:whistle: Yep, this was my one and only Out of Body Experience folks. This experience blew my mind totally. How does an average working class kid living in the suburbs of Wales have this many bonko experiences? No-one I know in my life will dare admit to any such kind of thing! To them it is preposterous, and a sign of an ill-favoured mind.

I've got a USB stick that is solely devoted to my journalling. But this OOBE was the big one. I don't understand how that was possible, and I have no idea what I was communicating with, up by the ceiling. But I was struck by little me, sleeping soundly. what the occasion was, well one can only speculate. I wasn't ill, I know that much. Following this experience, again, I totally filed the memory into the box and forgot it until 2004, the year when everything exploded in my head and I went really nuts for years. I recapitulated too much in one go, and so was overwhelmed. Now, writing these experiences down one by one, I can at least study the pattern and attempt to make some effort at understanding just what I saw, and what took place. I still to this day marvel at this one. When I die, this is on my list of "I WANT TO KNOW...." questions for any higher density guide to answer, lol.:lol:

I hope this isn't too-long winded, but I've only got from 1974-88, I've got 88-22 still to go. This is a worthy little exercise for me, it allows me to take a bit of a step back and perceive the long game if there is one. High strangeness, ethereal weirdlings, ghosts, oobe's, dark dreams, we all have them it seems, maybe not each of us all anyway. There has to be a signal in the noise, some kind of pattern. Any way I'll follow up with 89-03 at a later point, I'll have to tax the old grey matter and locate my journal entries that cover this period.

Oh, and just in case anyone reads this and call BS on this, I swear to you on my life, all of what I commit to print on this thread is genuine, it happened. I haven't even got to the maddest ones yet, they're still to come, during a period in my life where I got too reckless, and pride came before a fall. I needed humbling, and it duly happened. John Keel was right, we are haunted, and the cosmic trickster has very cunning plans that need to be considered and understood, so we can still function and prosper as sovereign beings. It is with this latter point in mind that I sign off for now, it's been an interesting little exercise laying this all out chronologically. The next period 89-03 is pretty good because the patterns become clearer as do some of the causative factors. Thank you for reading my absurdly unusual story.
 
Thank you SlipNet, and I suppose we can wait for the rest of your capitulation and see where your experiences have brought you, what have you learned, I daresay while some of these experiences are taking place, one can simply learn to be scared about the world out there, but I also think that there's utility in the knowledge that lies past that initial terrifying reaction.
 
Thanks for sharing SlipNet. Heck sounds pretty intense. I know my Dad says he believes he saw a devil when he was a young boy (it terrified him) and I myself have had a strange OBE.

You sound pretty okay to me right now and although I’m not qualified to provide useful feedback or perspective on your experiences I am certain that other people here are. So if you need help to stay calm and work through stuff to try and figure it all out, say so.

I’ll keep reading when you post again and also will be interested how you navigate it all.
 
I daresay while some of these experiences are taking place, one can simply learn to be scared about the world out there, but I also think that there's utility in the knowledge that lies past that initial terrifying reaction.

Yeah, I lived in fear of the unknown for a good decade. Before it was a kind of blissful ignorance. Afterwards came a bitter defiance. The most powerful experiences among them carried an air of tangibility that induced a kind of nausea in me. That's why I just filed so many weird experiences away for a later date. I couldn't make sense of them, so filed them away to be scrutinised by a future me. Lol, and I'm the future me finally getting down to some good old-fashioned thinking on the subject. I think my younger self was expecting something more spectacular. But when talent fails, hard work prevails, and so I now turn my mind to 89-03, a period of great change in my knowledge and being. This period is briefer to cover because real life challenges took centre stage for me here. Graduating from school to college, and then moving to London for University was quite a challenge for me. I was smart enough, but inherently lazy, leaving work till the last minute and then rushing like crazy to get things done.

Dreams became, inevitably, more sexual as I reached my mid to late teens. Just innocent stuff, emotions were still naive, and to be quite honest, I was happier playing videogames than bothering with sexual stuff. Many of my mates in school took the p*ss out of me for it, considering me a bit childish. I preferred Sega and Nintendo to nightclubs. I was in no hurry to grow up, never have been. I had no experiences with weird beings or scary dreams between 89-94. Life was good, I aced my college exams and moved to London where I would live for 6 years. I had a lot of fun and got into so many things, areas of interest. Books, rock n' roll, movies, it was a very good time to be alive. Then I caught wind of a new tv series starting on BBC. The X Files. I was obsessed by that show from 94-96, watched it every week. But I had no weird dreams or experiences during these years. I graduated from Uni in 97 and moved back home to Wales to consider what to do next. I worked a few jobs, got bored and jacked them in. Lived off my savings for 6 months just smoking dope and drinking beer, I lived that life from 1998-2004. I thought I was cunning, working a crappy job for 6 months and living frugally, then quitting and getting your rocks off for the next 6 months. This is when things got very complicated. I maintained this lifestyle in 2003, and things got amped up big time in my intellectual life. I got back into the subject of UFO's, after 8 years of neglect.

I was absolutely obsessed with the "are they real?" questions back then. I had to know, I searched everywhere for good info. I'd be on the web for 6,7 hours a day, just searching with little luck, always left frustrated by what I was reading. I went through David Icke, Alex Jones, Jeff Rense, Henry Makow, never staying long at any of them. Then I found a website called Montalk, and from them I found the C's website, and Sott, in the summer of 2003. I'd lived through 9-11, war and all the madness that followed. but my mind was very much focused on reading "The Wave" online that year. I had a number of very strange dreams not long after this early period of solid learning. I'd been coasting for a number of years, now I had to step up to the plate and work a little if I wanted to learn a few things. I was totally engrossed, but I was still drinking a lot and smoked a lot of weed in those days too. I got just a little too complacent, just reading "The Wave", "The Grail", "Nostradamus" etc. It was a great time in my life for learning, but in my single mindedness on the UFO subject I was alienating my girlfriend of the time. Early 2004 is when my life took a turn for the worse and I was left feeling truly laid low for the first time in my life.

The weirdness kicked in with lizard themed dreams that were getting at me in the night. I'd have very murky, erotic dreams, and then I'd see myself in the third person, sound asleep, cradled in the arms of a great Lizard Being! I'd wake up infuriated, thinking, "Dammit! I've had that bloody lizard dream again! Will I never be set free?". My relationship was on the rocks, and I was doing porn when not online reading. Then things got spooky one night late. I was just going to the toilet as usual, but I chose to suddenly shut the door behind me, I have no idea why. That's when I both heard and felt a very loud thud on the other side of the door! I was astounded, I had no idea what was on the other side of that door. I chainsmoked cigarettes in the hallway with the lights out, looking up at a full moon in our hallway window. When my girlfriend came home from work, I was never so happy to see someone in my life. On my USB stick there's a big paragraph with a bullet point saying "SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF THE BATHROOM DOOR". I'm nowhere near. Spooked me big time that did. after my girlfriend came home, I finally went back to the bathroom door and opened it. There was nothing there.

By this point in my life we're in 2004. Thanks to my own efforts searching, and the luck of finding Laura and the C's, I was on fertile ground, but my life was collapsing around me. I lost my job, my girlfriend and my home in a 4 week period in 2004. I had a nervous breakdown in June 2004, after being fished out of the harbour in the town where I was living. I was in a boat with one oar, rowing around in circles, apparently. 2004-22 is what I'll finish up with, and then we'll be done. In this period I began the painstaking work of putting a life back together again; never the same, but new and hardier than before. Hard work and the healthy benefits of hindsight and ageing come to the fore, and I can look again at the strange imponderables of the past with more understanding eyes.
 
Thanks for sharing SlipNet. Heck sounds pretty intense. I know my Dad says he believes he saw a devil when he was a young boy (it terrified him) and I myself have had a strange OBE.

You sound pretty okay to me right now and although I’m not qualified to provide useful feedback or perspective on your experiences I am certain that other people here are. So if you need help to stay calm and work through stuff to try and figure it all out, say so.

That's the weird thing; I have found a way to get through life mostly unscathed. 20004-14 was pretty sketchy for me though. I'll have to get to that tomorrow, I'm enjoying a very late night where I am. But just looking back, I've always had simple things which ground me. Just messing about with mates, playing pool, sinking a beer. The hardest work was in recent years looking back at things on my USB stick, there's over 50 pages of notes on there. What I've put on here is just the outline for brevity. I think it's fair to say I've lived a fairly inquisitive life. I just come away with the impression that something was looking for me, before I came looking for it. It is in this quandry that I'll reach some conclusions in my next little batch of recollections tomorrow.
 
Ah, this is playing on my mind now, I think it's better I keep going and say what needs to be said before I hit the hay for a sleep. Looks like I'm pulling an all-nighter. June 2004 is when things went absolutely freaking insane in my world. I'd lost my job, had little money. My girlfriend kicked me out of our home, our relationship was over. On my last night in our home I suffered a brutal psychic attack. I could feel hairy things touching my body and woke up in a major hallucinatory state. My ex-girlfriend was sound asleep. I got up, got dressed and ran for my life. I was convinced something invisible was trying to eat me, and I thought it was some kind of hairy beast! I ran to the town centre, and then to the docks, thinking I'd be safe on water. This was a crazy idea, because I'm a poor swimmer. I risked my life leaping around rigging on the docks, eventually being found by police officers in a small boat, spinning around in circles, hopelessly. A very apt metaphor for my life at that point!

I was arrested and sectioned for my own safety. I was grilled in an interview with a mental health officer, and I told him nothing. I had a very stern voice in my head telling me in no uncertain terms to tell them absolutely nothing. I was then taken to a mental health facility on the outskirts of town. Before that, soaking wet, lying in a police cell, I again felt the bristles of something hairy touching me. I got the fear and screwed my eyes as tightly as possible, I was so afraid, I didn't want to see what was going to attack me. Then I saw an image in my mind's eye, it was of a little white figure brandishing a stick festooned with Christmas tinsel! I exhaled massively, and lay on a mat, shivering and wet. I thought I was growing in knowledge and being, but I had been brought down to my very own ground zero! Whatever higher density force this was, it was toying with me, and it had an absolutely savage sense of humour! I just rattled around in my mind. What the hell was going on? Everything I thought I knew about life had collapsed. Reality had become a parade of the obscene and the insane.

The mental health facility sticks in my mind because I was taken there at a curious time. It was during the 2004 Euro football championships. I was given a room and some meds, then I went into the tv room to watch the football. It was so surreal, I had just been scared out of my mind by a cosmic trickster, now me and my meagre belongings were dumped on the outskirts of town with the crazies. I was punch drunk by the entire experience. I smoked a lot of cigarettes during my 2 week stay at the facility, and took meds every day. I ignored the football and was very much in recovery mode at this time. Everything felt slightly unreal. I kninda mooched around the facility and mostly kept to myself. I had a lot to think about all of a sudden. I was 29 and in a very sorry state.

The people there were actually mostly very nice; good people having hard times. One by one all my preconceptions about life were being torn down in strips. I began hearing voices. It was like a theatre audience watching a comedy, canned laughter. The cosmic trickster was mocking me. There I was, getting all ahead of myself, because I'd read "The Wave", and got a little bit of interesting info from the C's. I knew nothing. I spent the next 10 years struggling to get myself out of a very tough spot. I was now on my own again. I was in weekly phone contact with my parents, and they said come on home and sort yourself out. So back to Wales I went, to my old home. Things were very different for me when I got home. My parents were fine. But me? I was stuck in a very bizarre world, where 4d STS led me a very merry dance. Merry for them, bloody awful for me.

I was stuck between two worlds, the normal world and a strange realm of monsters. I was in both but inhabiting neither. My eyes back then were glassy, vague, lost. Very quickly I learned that I needed to anchor my life. I went back to what I was good at doing, keeping a book for journals, thoughts, ideas. Hope. I needed it big time. I wrote in feverish states when I was stable enough to concentrate.

When I tried to sleep the strangeness of my experiences took a terrifying turn. One night I was trying to sleep when I started to hear a vague rumble. Then it began to sound like a soup boiling. I opened my eyes to see a hallucinatory cauldron, but with no figure tending to it. My limbs began to tingle, and the voices re-emerged. They were shifty, always making sure they were at their most intense when I was alone, when I could do nothing to stop it. It just bubbled away, while the voices engaged in idle chatter. I was just frozen with fear in bed, I just had no reference point for this. For this was my schizophrenia in its embryonic phase. Between June 2004 and 2008 my hallucinations, both auditary and visual, were at their most intense. I saw big lizard figures, who laughed at me and mocked my lack of strength and courage. The little 4ft white critters were also spotted on many occasions. they always float about but reveal nothing about what they do. I began praying again for the first time since childhood.

Amazingly, I was not on meds at this point, and I had already by September 2004 gotten myself a new job. I was stir crazy, you must understand. there is no way that I should have been working a job in the state I was in, but I was, and the hallucinations followed me to the workplace. Also I saw a UFO for the first time that summer, I almost forgot to raise that. It was about the size of a bus, silver, and shaped like a rugby ball. But really I was just surviving, just about. I said as little as possible for 2 or 3 years, just did what I had to, and then went into my bedroom to be with my anchor, my journal. I had many more years of nightmares too. I awoke one night to feel something touching my rib cage, and a voice in my head saying "we know you, we're here for you" in a very sinister tone. At that point I thought I had been targeted by an alien vampire, that's what the journal reveals. Many times I awoke in the night to fight away some creature that had come to attack me. This went on until it finally abated in 2014. I started getting angry, and finally found the will to fight back. I was going to die at some point anyway, what did I have to lose?

I often also had strangulation dreams. I'd awaken from a dream state being unable to breathe clearly, with spectral hands gripping at my throat. These kind of attacks became a normal part of my life, and I learned to be ever vigilant, ready at a moment's notice to just defend defend defend! By 2016 I was fully committed to a life of meds, so I could get a better quality of life, and sleep more soundly. But I still kip with one eye open, just in case.

Since 2014 I have also been tending to the word-processing of all my journal notes. It is through these that I managed to re-forge my dormant, shellshocked, spooked-out self, who simply experienced too many weird things to handle. It has been a very long and hard road. I still see weird stuff, the little figures reappear regularly. But I don't get the monstrous attacks any longer, and the voices have all but disappeared. To compare my current life with say, the me of 2004, or 2010 even, well, there's no comparison. I am in WAY better shape than in those days. I learned not to be complacent, and always maintain constant vigilance. I do wonder in closing just what the aim was in what the dark entities do? And I realised eventually that it's just for feeding. They feed on the fear and the suffering they create. There's no great mystery to any of it. And I'm not special, I was just targeted by forces way beyond my understanding. I may always be a schizophrenic, but now I can see that the best way out of any problem is to "be true to your own nature, and fear NOTHING!". Bloody good advice that is.

Now my journal is freed up to begin the next chapter. What to do after schizophrenia? Just follow that curious streak that has never let me down, and retain courage while doing so. :-)
 
Wow what a story! Am I correct in my understanding that you have gone through a process of figuring out what’s in and of your own being and what’s external?You’ve come out the other side with your sanity and equipped for what’s next.

I can relate to some of your experiences. I have had the occasional nightmare when I have dreamt of fighting demons and once a strangulation attack that also woke my husband up as I was making choking noises. I concluded it was what I have called a “thought blob” that I somehow have attracted and it attached itself to me at some point in my life. Or I inherited it. Anyway I felt that due to self work the wretched thing was not comfortable stuck to me anymore so tossed it’s toys as it left.

The other couple of attacks coincided with identifiable people and happenings in day to day life. I was able to understand where the thought blobs originated, my association to them and how I ended up dealing with them. Which was in lucid dreams, praying to Jesus(the most readily available thought) and actually commanding the thing to leave in the name of Jesus Christ. All the while terrified out if my wits but damned if I was going to cower and let it overwhelm me.

Of course your experiences are thousands of times more intense and I commend you for being able to get your head together through it. Incredible how strong the human will can be even when alone and facing the most terrifying depths of our consciousness.
 
Am I correct in my understanding that you have gone through a process of figuring out what’s in and of your own being and what’s external?You’ve come out the other side with your sanity and equipped for what’s next.

Yeah, it's been an incredible journey in all truth. What's so funny looking back, is that I had no real idea about possession or attachments existing in our realm. So for years I just thought that it was me against whatever devil it was. Finally I discovered info about attachments, and I began logging things down in writing, making the distinction between what I considered to be my authentic self, and all the other dark stuff that was plaguing me. It took me about a decade to fully make sense of things, and life is peaceful now, thank God for that!

Of course your experiences are thousands of times more intense and I commend you for being able to get your head together through it. Incredible how strong the human will can be even when alone and facing the most terrifying depths of our consciousness.

I completely agree. I found, and I know of many others who have also, an incredible depth of reserves, be it anger, defiance, strength of will, call it what you will. Just to not lie down and take such terrible experiences lying down. It may sound trite to say it, but things like books, movies and rock music really helped me; firstly to help anchor myself, then also to embolden myself too. When I realised that this was all on me, and no-one was gonna come save me, that's the moment when I really made progress. I think by journalling I managed to come to terms with 40+ years of stuff, not just paranormal activity, but just natural social stuff too. I'm as a man true to the little kid I was, but he dislikes me a bit now 'cos I won't play videogames any more. But he respects me, the inner child, because that part of me knows and remembers just how bad life got, and I went right back to basics, laying all my memories out and plotted to put my life back together again. If I can do it then anyone can do it, it just requires that drive to know, and understand.
 
It has been a very long and hard road. I still see weird stuff, the little figures reappear regularly. But I don't get the monstrous attacks any longer, and the voices have all but disappeared. To compare my current life with say, the me of 2004, or 2010 even, well, there's no comparison. I am in WAY better shape than in those days. I learned not to be complacent, and always maintain constant vigilance.
Thanks for sharing, SlipNet! The above is great to hear!

I was wondering, have you ever tried NeurOptimal? I found that it helps with quietening 'chatter' so to speak and becoming more grounded and focused, and I wonder if it may aid you in your continuous progress. I read that neurofeedback can be beneficial for people with schizophrenia.
 
I was wondering, have you ever tried NeurOptimal? I found that it helps with quietening 'chatter' so to speak and becoming more grounded and focused, and I wonder if it may aid you in your continuous progress. I read that neurofeedback can be beneficial for people with schizophrenia.

No, I haven't, thanks for the recommendation. I've bookmarked a thread on the subject, and it's a big thread, so I'll look into that next. I do still wonder just what in particular caused my collapse, and eventual recovery? I tend to put it down to force of will. Even at my craziest I was still online reading Sott, and I was a presence on this forum back then too, but I didn't contribute much of value. But I hung in there, and never gave up; not because of a special drive, but because most of life and culture seemed a bit irrelevant by that point. I had my favourite books, films and music, and that gave me my new foundation for growth. Undoubtedly my will grew, but if there had been distractions then I would still have been prone to stray. But there wasn't any, I had my core identity and memories, and I diligently plotted my path from there.

I'm still the same guy I was before, but there is a nebulous change in me. I've changed in subtle ways, and I call that soul growth. Defiance is the main thing, I think. I wasn't going to let those evil bastards do me in.
 
I've bookmarked a thread on the subject, and it's a big thread, so I'll look into that next.
There's also this H&W show: The Health & Wellness Show: Interview With Dr. Valdeane Brown - Nonlinear Dynamic Thinking With NeurOptimal Neurofeedback

Once you're ready and interested, and you try it out with a trainer who can hook you up and guide you through it, I'd be interested to read your experience! The number and frequency of sessions needed probably varies per individual and the state they're (currently) in, but I'd just see how you feel with the first one and keep at it if you're doing alright with the first one. Perhaps tell the trainer about your diagnosis and how you're doing, so they can keep an extra eye.

and eventual recovery?
Maybe it was a combination of factors: increase of knowledge (and thereby becoming more aware of possibilities, i.e. some things may be external) which may have helped with a different approach to tackle the problem, dietary changes, not engaging in addictive negative activities (porn/other), medicine, meditation, prayer, constant vigilance as you wrote, and will power. You'd probably need to be extra disciplined and adopt a lifestyle for a lifetime that keeps all the above in mind, i.e. staying on a relatively good diet (gluten/dairy free), engaging in helpful activities etc. (but you probably already know!). I think if you stay disciplined, aware, and have continuous knowledge input, you can keep 'them' at bay. You may also think about how you can 'give back' or help others, but in a way, you're already doing so by being active on the forum. :-) BTW, you can definitely be proud of yourself for getting to this point, keep persevering!
 
You may also think about how you can 'give back' or help others, but in a way, you're already doing so by being active on the forum. :-) BTW, you can definitely be proud of yourself for getting to this point, keep persevering!
Yes it’s really interesting to hear a personal account of the path to recovery from schizophrenia. We have a family friend, I have known her since primary school who has a diagnosis of schizophrenia. She experiences it all: voices, paranoia, alcohol problems, trouble with the law after trying to stab someone with a screw driver, it’s an absolutely tragic tale of a life that appears irredeemable. She seems to have no choice or ability to navigate a different path. The help that is available is so inadequate. People who have ‘been there’ have so much much to offer others.
 

Oh, this is great, because in your link there's a transcript of the interview. Thank you! For some reason I do better reading text than listening to complex subjects. I'll read this tonight and offer any response that comes to mind.

I think if you stay disciplined, aware, and have continuous knowledge input, you can keep 'them' at bay. You may also think about how you can 'give back' or help others, but in a way, you're already doing so by being active on the forum. :-) BTW, you can definitely be proud of yourself for getting to this point, keep persevering!

Discipline is the big challenge. I had a very decent Christmas, but I did drink a little. I don't specifically need to drink, but I enjoy it when the opportunity presents itself. I'm a fairly laconic person, and a wee drink makes me more loquacious. it helps me in social situations, where my core self can be a little wary of talk, which is unsurprising given my past. Thankfully my gift for self-deprecation opens many doors socially for me.

And thanks for the encouraging message. If you told me ten years ago that I'd be on here talking like this, well, I'd have never believed you. I've made real progress in this time, and I intend to go on further too. You have to love what you do, the interest you take has to be real and comprehensive. As for "them", well they seemed to have withdrawn in recent times. I'm not such easy meat for them now.

Yes it’s really interesting to hear a personal account of the path to recovery from schizophrenia. We have a family friend, I have known her since primary school who has a diagnosis of schizophrenia. She experiences it all: voices, paranoia, alcohol problems, trouble with the law after trying to stab someone with a screw driver, it’s an absolutely tragic tale of a life that appears irredeemable. She seems to have no choice or ability to navigate a different path. The help that is available is so inadequate. People who have ‘been there’ have so much much to offer others.

I feel a heavy burden reading this. What you've said is so true. A schizophrenic can be a real loose cannon, to be sure. none of the doctors I spoke to could help me with my problems. In fact, after a very intense series of sessions with one therapist, the doctor actually quit and decided to change careers. He told me I was part of the reason why, because I questioned him in our dialogues. He realised he could be more helpful in working with kids, not adults. He didn't say why, but there was warmth in his eyes when I last talked with him in a local supermarket. He seemed liberated. I think he was fed up with loading people with meds (which I don't speak against, I take mine daily) and not getting to the crux of the problems. You have to go deep into your mind and soul, and figure out not just what you think, but how and why you do it too. It's bloody tough, there is no easy way, and it does take time. Heck, it took me ten years of solid introspection, and I dare not say I'm out of the woods yet.

I can only say that the process of writing and keeping a journal is as good as you're gonna get in terms of therapy. The brain is a muscle, you have to work with it and it will grow. It's like when I was lazy and indulgent in my 20's. I was easy meat for 4d, because I wasn't working on myself. It took years to change my habits, but when I did the changes were remarkable. I think you have to want to change, not just hope for an easier life. What was it JFK said? "Don't pray for easier lives, pray to be stronger men". That's it in a nutshell.
 
I have gone through a similar process, my own demons were not as great a risk to me as yours, however my process has been similar. Looking back now on my drinking days, nihilism, paranoia, and some pretty disturbing dreams in regards to sexuality—all these things I have read are symptoms of psychological disorders.

I did not need the meds, I found a way through diet and quitting drinking. I too pursued grounding activities. In particular being choosey about my friends. I was blessed to have one friend who was like a solid rock. Steady and caring who
I was able to flat with for a few years. Then lots of physical exercise and sport to keep me participating in real life. With this came plenty of socialisation practice as I am an introvert and needed to learn conversational skills.

What strikes me, reading your story, is perhaps there is a real commonality in human experience. We all have to learn and decide to ‘become’ someone of our choosing with different weights of each challenge to our becoming. The journey is fraught, but is shared.

I often still struggle with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that is guilt and shame from how I have been or behaved in the past. I am working hard at becoming a proper person, someone I can respect that does useful things in this world. I’m doing pretty good these days, I think. I’ve just made myself cry...interesting
 
I think sharing your story, and perhaps for most of us, doing an exercise similar to the one you did is a good illustration of what JBP once said about not comparing ourselves to someone else, but to who we were yesterday.

It's important to recognize who we have been, honestly, without trying to write narratives about our behavior, but also, it's important to be able to walk away from indulging too deeply in self depreciating mindsets, or self pity. I think there's a difference between owning one's choices, even if one was less aware at the time, with today's perspective without letting them invade our current life; And falling back into the past.

Which leads me to what you're saying @gottathink, it is a human condition, or perhaps a feature of this reality, that we must learn on our own to make certain choices that will send us on a path to self realization, but while I don't mean to suggest that you should ignore how you feel about your old self, I do think that remaining stuck in your old self won't let you move forward. It's a tricky place to be, because sometimes we're shocked at the things we have done because we assume that we were then the person we are today, and that's impossible.

Although sometimes it is true that there's no other way to learn than to metabolize the emotions that come along with the experiences.
 
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